


No Tears Left To Cry

by majorhtom



Series: Lean on Me [6]
Category: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Genre: ADHD Mike, Ableism, Angst, Aphasia, Asexual Character, Autism, Avoidance, Brain Damage, Canon Compliant, Christmas, Chronic Pain, Denial, Depression, Disney World, Electrocution, Epilepsy, F/M, Flashbacks, Fluff, Guilt, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, Injury Recovery, Invention Exchange, Kinga has a brig on Moon 13, Letters, Major Character Injury, Minor Injuries, Night Terrors, Nightmares, Non sexual stripping, Pansexual Character, Physical Disability, Pity, Romance with a disabled character, Self Pity, Shit now there’s a mystery, Skeletons In The Closet, Steven Universe - Freeform, Survivor Guilt, Synthia/Erhardt if you squint, Temporary Character Death, That's right, Tresspassing, Uncertainty, accept it, adaptions, and it will never be normal, but it's not, cattle prodding, exaggerated stories, happy endings, kind of, life gets really weird sometimes, long winded apologies, more kidnappings, my bad - Freeform, not really shippy though, oh boy, sexy dreams, sorry folks, this fic is tagged 'brain damage' and 'humor', trying to pretend like everything's normal, where do i start?, which gets shot down
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-03
Updated: 2019-06-26
Packaged: 2019-09-06 07:38:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 56,262
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16828120
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/majorhtom/pseuds/majorhtom
Summary: Kinga lost her temper and shut off Jonah's oxygen, leaving him with brain damage. She also kidnapped a certain Joel Robinson and put him on the Satellite Of Love. But Joel is unwilling to see through a second captivity due to having a life of his own on Earth and tries to find a way off the satellite, stumbling upon a mystery. Mike is stuck on Earth alone and is trying to find Joel through any means, including trespassing and espionage. Jonah is busy dealing with his newfound limitations and navigating romance. And as for the bots? Well, they’re dealing with everything in their own way.





	1. Say Hello to Your New Friend

“Alright, you dumb little robots, where’s Jonah? It’s time for the invention exchange.” Kinga demanded. 

Max put his hand up. “Well, Kinga... ever since you cut off his oxygen-“

“Shut _up_ , Max!” Kinga growled. 

“Yeah, he’s still not doing too good.” Servo said. “I don’t know why you don’t just let him go, at this point.”

“And while you’re at it, you can also let _us_ go.” Crow added.

“Aha. Nice try, but no.” Kinga folded her arms. “Invention exchange. Now.”

It was at that point that Gypsum descended from the ceiling. “Actually, Kinga, we’ve been too busy looking after Jonah-“

“You mean _you_ have.” Crow said. 

“That we haven’t got an invention to exchange today.”

“Besides, Jonah usually makes the inventions anyway.” Servo added.

Kinga turned to Max. “This is useless.” She said. “Our experiment is ruined.”

“I stand by what I’ve been saying all along, if you hadn’t got angry and cut off Jonah’s oxygen, we wouldn’t be in this situation.” Max said.

“ _You’re_ the one who got him eaten by a mechanical dragon on our wedding day!” Kinga countered. 

“Hey, just saying-Crow’s right, you should let us go.” Servo said.

“No. No, I’m not going to let you go.” The amount of calm in Kinga’s voice was unnerving. “I’m going to get another test subject!” She wrung her hands as she grinned. “Bots, tell Jonah that he’s excused from watching today’s movie. It was going to be Howard the Duck, but maybe that’s best saved for another day.” She said. “Come on, Max.” 

The two of them hurried out of view and the screen suddenly went black. 

“I’m going to go and check on Jonah.” Gypsum said, disappearing back to the ceiling. 

“Yeah, I’m gonna go steal Growler’s stuff.” Crow said. “Coming, Servo?” 

“Think I’ll go to my room, actually.” Servo said. 

“You’ve been spending a lot of time in your room.” Crow observed.

“And you’ve been spending a lot of time stealing Growler’s shit.” Servo said. “Like seriously, how much stuff does he have left for you to steal?”

As if on cue, Growler appeared on the bridge. “Oh not that much. But it’s okay. I don’t mind. I’m just easygoing.”

“Shut up.” Crow said. He walked away. 

Servo hovered away without saying a word to the other robot. 

* * *

It would be a few days before the bots heard from Kinga again. 

“Hello, bots.” Kinga said. “And Heston. Finally out of bed, I see.” 

Jonah was sitting in a swivel chair at the desk on the bridge, looking half dead. Even though his left eye was drooping, he still managed to glare at Kinga, though he said nothing.

“No thanks to you, Kinga.” Gypsum said.

“Well, I have a surprise for you today, Heston.” Kinga said. “You’re not watching a movie today. Instead, say hello to your new friend.”

“What new friend?” Crow asked. 

“Yeah, you’re not sticking another ugly, smelly, clumsy, waste of space up here, are you?” Servo asked. “Because having one Jonah is already more than enough.”

Kinga chuckled humourlessly. “Max? Do the honours, would you?” 

“With pleasure, Kinga.” Max said as he pulled a lever. 

A tube descended from the ceiling and the bots all moved away, Crow pulling Jonah with him. Someone was dumped out of the tube and onto the Satellite bridge. 

Growler approached first. “Hey, do you need some help there, pal?” 

“No, I can...” The man began, but stopped and looked around, as if he’d been there before. 

Crow and Servo both gasped audibly and exaggeratedly. 

“Oh my.” Gypsum muttered. 

Jonah cocked his head slightly out of curiosity. 

The man blinked, out of pure disbelief. His mouth flapped open as if to speak, but closed again. This happened at least three times before he actually said something. “Crow? Tom? Gypsum?” 

“Who are you and why do you look so familiar?” Crow asked. 

“You idiot, that’s Joel.” Servo said. 

“Nuh uh. No way. Joel was younger than this guy is.” Crow said.

“That’s because he’s a human and humans age. It’s only been a few years.” Servo shook his gum ball machine head. 

A silence fell over the Satellite that was interrupted only by Kinga loudly saying; “Well, enjoy!” And with that, the screen went black again. 

“Joel... are you okay?” Gypsum asked. 

“Why is your voice different?”

“Jonah installed a new voice, mine kept glitching out like an old TomTom.” Gypsum said.

“Well your old voice module was almost thirty years old.” Joel agreed.

“Well, that and he didn’t like the old one.” Gypsum said.

Joel’s eyes drifted over to Jonah, still sitting down in the swivel chair. “You’re Jonah, the Mads’ latest victim.”

“Actually,” Jonah began, with a heavy slur, “you are.”

“What’s wrong with him, is he drunk?” 

“No. Kinga shut off his oxygen.” Crow explained. 

Joel paused, just trying to make sense of everything. Then the penny dropped. “And she _still_ sent him back on the SOL?” He asked. “Hm. I doubt her father would have done that if it were me or Mike.”

“‘M going... to...” Jonah paused and frowned, trying to think of the word he wanted. “Uh...” He growled in frustration. Not being able to communicate properly was really irritating. And actually depressing. At least the bots didn’t make fun of him, although they _did_ avoid him, particularly Servo. 

“Bed, Jonah?” Gypsum asked softly. “You want to go to bed?” 

Jonah sniffled and nodded, looking like he was about to cry. He stood up slowly and put one hand on the desk to pull himself up. 

“You sure you can walk, Jonah? You’re really unsteady.” Crow said. “I mean, I’d hate it if you fell. On me.” He added, hastily.

“Fine.” Jonah said almost angrily. He used his other arm, which Joel noticed was shaking and seemed to be seizing up, to wipe drool from his stubble. 

_What had happened to him?_ Joel thought to himself. This Jonah was obviously an inventor, the Gizmonics jumpsuit kind of gave it away. Now he was just... _reduced_ to _this_ , dependent on the bots for any kind of assistance. Was Kinga going to do that to him too?

“Joel, are _you_ okay?” Gypsum asked. 

“Really confused and I can’t believe I’m here again, but I’m with you, so yes, I’m okay.” Joel said. He wasn’t. He was still hoping this was a nightmare of some sort. 

Gypsum nodded, knowing that if Joel wanted to talk, he’d do it on his own terms. Instead, she turned her attention back to Jonah, who was shaking trying to walk on his own. “It’s okay, Jonah, Growler will take you back to your room.” 

Jonah, frustrated at not being able to express himself, simply nodded. 

“I don’t mind helping out.” He said. “It makes me feel good.” The green robot took Jonah by the hand-the shaking, spastic one-and slowly led him off the bridge. 

Joel tried his best not to look by taking off his glasses to clean them. The truth was, he felt so weird and awkward. Why was Jonah here? Why didn’t Kinga send him back to Gizmonic Institute? Or better yet, an Earth hospital?

After Jonah had left the bridge, Servo was the one who spoke up first. “Didn’t expect you’d be back on the SOL, Joel.” 

“I didn’t expect your voice to sound so different.” Joel said. “It’s not how I remember it.” He looked around the bridge and sighed. “ _None_ of this is how I remember it.”

“I know.” Gypsum said. “You came at a bad time as well.”

“Gyps, what’s wrong?” Joel asked her. He could tell she was holding something back from her voice. “You can tell me.” He gently put his hand on her head. 

“I should... go and check on Jonah.” She said, ascending back to the ceiling. 

Joel sighed. 

A little orange and white robot carrying a parcel entered the bridge. “I was told by one of the Boneheads that I have to bring this to a Joel Robinson.” He said. “Oh. That’s got to be you.” He handed the parcel to Joel. 

“... Thanks.” Joel took the parcel. 

“Now get out of here.” Crow said aggressively. The little robot did as it was told.

“What is it, Joel?” Servo asked. “The parcel.” 

Joel opened the parcel to find a familiar red jumpsuit and sighed. “Of course.” He muttered. 

“Ooh. Tough break.” Crow said. “The only clothes Jonah has is his jumpsuits and his t-shirts.”

“Crow, Tom, can you tell me more about Jonah?” Joel asked. 

“What do you want to know?” Servo asked. 

“What happened to him? How did he get like... _that_? How long ago was it?” Joel asked carefully.

“Well...” Crow began, “Jonah first got here three years ago in 2017. We survived all kinds of bad movies together, like Reptilicus, and Cry Wilderness and then he built that stupid orange robot, M. Waverly.”

“Kinga wanted to marry him, even though Max was hopelessly and hilariously in love with her.” Servo added. “And so she arranged a wedding ceremony and everything. Then Jonah built Growler and got eaten by a giant mechanical dragon and we thought he’d died. He was gone for almost a whole year.”

“He hadn’t died, but when he came back, we were forced to watch and riff six movies in a row.” Crow said. “Oh Joel, it was horrible. And then we had to watch even more bad movies after that. All the time, Kinga kept threatening to turn off Jonah’s oxygen.”

“Until it wasn’t a threat. And she did it.” Servo said ominously. “It took Gypsum _seven_ _minutes_ to get oxygen back to the SOL. But by that point, it was too late. We were okay, we’re robots. But Jonah... he was unconscious for days. Weeks. I don’t remember how long. Gypsum even put higher oxygen levels in his room. But when he came back, he came back-“

“Like that.” Crow finished. 

“Yeah, like that.” Servo agreed. 

“And ever since then... everything’s been weird.” Crow said. “Jonah will hardly get up out of bed anymore. We can’t make fun of him. It’s not fun to steal his stuff. Gypsum’s been acting really weird. And Servo spends all his free time in his room.”

“She blames herself.” Joel said. “For what happened.”

“No, she doesn’t.” Crow said. “I know she doesn’t.”

“Yeah, it was Kinga who did that to Jonah.” Servo said. “Not Gypsum. Why would she feel guilty?”

“Why do you spend all your free time in your room, Tom?” Joel asked. 

“Because it’s boring out here-I can’t make fun of Jonah.” Servo said. 

“That’s not all, is it, Tom?” 

“Yes.” Servo said. “It is.”

Joel frowned, not quite believing him. “How long ago was this?” 

“Couple of months ago.” Crow said. “About four.”

Joel folded his arms. “This is a nightmare. And I’m going to wake up in my own bed. I’m going to wake up. In my own bed.”

* * *

Jonah was sitting down on his bed with his head down, focusing on his breathing, drool dripping down onto his boots. He remembered Kinga shutting off his oxygen. He remembered flashing lights and panic from the bots. He remembered Max begging Kinga to put the oxygen back. He remembered Kinga freaking out when she couldn’t turn it back. He remembered collapsing down to the ground, not able to breathe. And then he remembered waking up in his bed with five worried looking bots surrounding him. But he also remembered the pains stemming from his arm and leg seizing up every god only knows how often. It felt like every other second. And then there were the seizures themselves. 

Gypsum descended down into Jonah’s room and by his bedside. “Jonah, are you okay?” She asked softly. 

Jonah simply shrugged. He knew he was never going to be normal again. He was smart enough to know what was wrong with him, even though nobody had said the words. _Brain damage_. To him, it made it worse that he understood everything that was happening around him. But he couldn’t speak properly. Couldn’t move properly. Everything made him confused, irritable or upset for little to no reason. His eye was droopy and he couldn’t see out of it. And everything sounded like he was underwater, even though he was out in space and nowhere near water. That was _nothing_ compared to the pain, dizziness and the tiredness. Every little thing was just so _exhausting_.

“Why... Kinga...” Jonah clumsily wiped his mouth again, “no doctor?” He slurred. 

“Because she’s a supervillain.” Gypsum said. “I don’t think she has anything against you personally.” 

“Good target?” Jonah asked, pointing at himself. 

“Convenient, I’d say.” Gypsum nodded. 

Jonah lay back down on his bed and Gypsum lifted the sheets over him. 

Crow burst into Jonah’s room. “Hey, Gypsum.” 

“Have you come to watch over Jonah?” Gypsum asked. “Because it’s not your turn. It’s _Tom’s_ turn-“

“We all know that Servo won’t do it.” Crow said. “Not with Joel back on the SOL. Oh you know what Joel said, he said that you feel guilty about _this_.” He gestured to Jonah, whose muscles were twitching violently under the sheets. “Is he having another seizure?” 

“I don’t think so.” Gypsum cocked her head. “Jonah? Jonah, are you okay?”

Crow tapped Jonah’s exposed hand. “Jonah?” 

“Fine.” Jonah said. 

Crow sat down in the chair next to Jonah’s bed. “You can go now, Gyps. I’ll watch Jonah.” 

Gypsum nodded and left the room. 

Everything was somehow worse now on the Satellite. Even though there were six robots, Jonah still needed round the clock care thanks to his injuries. Without access to any medications, sometimes that care was a two bot job. And Tom Servo never seemed to step up and do his part, while Jonah resented that he needed this kind of help. Because he couldn’t swallow properly and drooled a lot, _and_ because he had seizures, a bot always needed to stay with Jonah while he slept, just to ensure he didn’t choke and die or worse. He seemed to spend a lot of his time sleeping. But at least he was out of pain while he slept.

“Don’t worry, Jonah, I’ll just be working on my latest screenplay-it’s gonna be a _masterpiece_.” Crow said. 

“Fine.” Jonah mumbled, although it didn’t come out sounding like that. It came out sounding more unintelligible and garbled than anything else because he was speaking into his pillow.

“I’m sure it will be, Crow.” Joel said from the doorway. 

“Joel.” Crow said. “What are you-this is Jonah’s room.”

Joel cleared his throat. “I was just... reorienting myself on the SOL.” He looked over at Jonah who was lying on his side with his eyes closed. He could see the muscles in Jonah’s leg and arm twitching like crazy under the sheets. 

“I’ll be going now.” Joel said. 

“Joe...l” Jonah opened his eyes. “Nice... meet you.” 

“Um, nice meet you too, Jonah.” Joel said apprehensively.

“You don’t need to talk like him, you know, Joel.” Crow said. “He understands you just fine for the most part. Isn’t that right, Jonah?”

“Fine.” Jonah said. That was Jonah’s go to word. The only word he could say without slurring. Though if it wasn’t for Gypsum, Jonah wouldn’t be talking at all. 

“See?” Crow asked, as if he’d just proved a point. He picked up a pen and a notepad. “Alright. Time to work on my screenplay.” 

“Crow... you _do_ know what’s wrong with Jonah, don’t you?” Joel prodded gently. 

Crow lifted his head and shut his beak together as he put his pen and pad down. “There’s _nothing_ wrong with Jonah. He’s fine.”

“Jonah’s _not_ stupid.” Gypsum said, again descending down the ceiling. “He fixed us all up and built two other working robots. And he does those invention exchanges all the time with the Mads. He was going to notice that his brain isn’t working at full capacity at _some_ point.”

“Jonah. Is. Fine.” Crow snapped. “He’ll get better. You watch. He will.” He stood up out of his chair and glanced over at Jonah. “He will.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one basically came to me in S11, from Kinga's threats to turn off the oxygen.  
> Don't ask me why I wrote it, but I did. I know that I put Jonah up against a lot of adversity, but I promise, absolutely promise, he will have his happy ending, despite being... the way he is, needing round the clock care from the bots. And there are other things related to his brain damage that I haven’t even got into yet.  
> And Joel. Oh man, poor Joel. He’s been thrust into a familiar situation that couldn’t be more foreign to him. Yeah, he’s on the SOL, yeah he’s with the bots, yeah he’s gonna be forced to watch terrible movies by a Forrester... but the SOL is different than he remembers, his bots all have different voices, that Forrester is Kinga, not Clayton and the icing on the cake is that he has to do it all with a seriously brain damaged younger man who needs a lot of care.  
> The bots. Oh the bots. Servo and Crow can’t say they don’t care about Jonah. Gypsum is the mom friend, making sure Jonah eats and sleeps, on top of keeping the higher functions of the SOL running. Sure, Growler helps out, and Crow and Cambot, but M. Waverly just wants some semblance of normalcy, while Servo is isolating himself.  
> Maybe it’s a good thing Joel’s come back. Maybe he can help them all. Even Kinga and Max.


	2. Check Out Its Terrifying Realism

While Jonah was sleeping, Crow was writing. Every so often, he would look over at Jonah, just to make sure he was still breathing and every time, he still was. It didn’t matter that his pillow was wet. What Crow _didn’t_ see was Jonah’s breathing getting quicker, to match his heartbeat and then came the screaming and the thrashing.

Crow immediately turned his head. “Jonah?” 

After that, came the punch. 

“Jonah, what...” That was when Crow realised that this was one of his night terrors. Although Jonah had suffered with night terrors and nightmares before, since the oxygen deprivation, they’d got worse. 

After some more screaming, M. Waverly and Cambot appeared in the doorway, just to see what was going on, and Gypsum descended down to take a look. 

“What’s going on?” An even sleepier eyed Joel asked. He was standing behind the bots in the doorway.

“Jonah’s having a night terror.” Crow replied. 

“You’re just _letting_ him thrash around like that?” Joel rubbed his eye and put his glasses on. 

“Well, the book says it’s best to.” M. Waverly said. 

“Book-what book?” 

“Max sent up a book on neurological conditions.” Gypsum replied. “Actually, he sent a few.”

”That was in the early days, when we were trying to figure out what was wrong with Jonah.” M. Waverly added.

“There’s nothing _wrong_ with Jonah.” Crow said.

Jonah flopped back on the bed and his eyes closed once again. He’d fallen back asleep.

“You can go back to bed, Joel. It’s all handled.” Crow said. “Oh and don’t tell him about this in the morning?”

“Why not?” 

“It’s just best not to worry him about it.” Gypsum replied. “Goodnight, Joel.” 

“Yeah... goodnight.” Joel sighed and made his way to his own improvised room. That was preferable to hearing Gypsum and Crow arguing with each other.

He sat down on his bed and pinched the bridge of his nose. He hated that he was back on the Satellite. It wasn’t so bad when he was in his twenties and thirties. But now... he was almost sixty. He was too _old_ for this. He had a life on Earth that didn’t involve watching over a brain damaged Gizmocrat with night terrors. He just couldn’t do this-it was all too much. 

It wasn’t even that he hated it. It was more that he couldn’t believe it was happening _again_. _And_ he hated it. 

“All I wanted, Joel, was to go to Epcot and get drunk before hopping on Space Mountain.” 

“Space Mountain’s in the Magic Kingdom, Tom.” Joel said. “What are you doing in here?”

“I heard Jonah’s screaming.” Servo replied. 

“And it woke you up?” 

“No, I was already awake. I just... I don’t know. I’m glad you’re here though, Joel.” Servo hovered over to Joel’s bed and sat down on it.

“I’m not.” Joel said. 

“How did Kinga get you here anyway?” Servo asked.

“She found me on Earth. Pushed me into some sort of van thing. I don’t know what happened after that because I woke up on the moon. Then those weird bonehead people-“

“Yeah, Kinga calls them the Skeleton Crew. Individually, they’re Boneheads.”

“Well they pushed me in some kind of tube that dumped me on the SOL. And now I’m here.”

“They did that to Jonah too. Kind of.” Servo said. “Only he was a Backjack pilot who landed on the moon because of a fake distress call sent out by Kinga.” 

“Right.” Joel nodded. 

“Joel, did you _know_ that Dr F had a daughter?” Servo asked. 

“Uh... yeah, Tom. I did. It never came up when I was originally on the SOL, but we _were_ colleagues at Gizmonic Institute, so-“

“... He was your _boss_. You were a _janitor_.” Servo said. 

“Yeah. But we still worked there together.” Joel said. “Why couldn’t you sleep, Tom?” He asked after a pause. 

“I dunno.” Servo said. “It’s actually been months since I got a good nights sleep.”

“Jonah?” 

“Yeah.” Servo said. “Every time I try I just end up thinking about him passing out on the floor and turning blue.” 

“Oh Tom, honey, it’s okay.” Joel patted the smaller bot. 

“Except it isn’t.” Servo said. “Jonah’s broken. And he’s not a bot like me, Crow, Gyps, Waverly...”

“You’re worried he won’t be fixed.” 

“Yeah.”

“Well he _won’t_ be fixed. He won’t go back to how he was before.” Joel said bluntly. “If it were just that he’d broken his leg or arm, then yeah, _that_ can be fixed.” He paused to yawn. “Brain damage is a tricky thing, Tom.”

“Can I stay here with you tonight, Joel?” 

Joel inhaled sharply. He still wasn’t used to being on the SOL. Everything was completely foreign to him, even his beloved robots. But he still couldn’t stand to see one of them upset. 

“Fine, Tom. You can stay here for tonight.” He took off his glasses and put them down on the bed, next to the pillow. Then he lay down and moved over for Servo and pulled the sheet over the both of them.

* * *

“Hello, Jonah. Bots.” Kinga greeted. “I hope you’re ready and rested up for today’s experiment-or not, I don’t care, but I have a real _stinker_ of a movie all prepared for you today.”

“And when she says ‘stinker’, she’s actually being generous.” Max piped up. “It’s Manos level bad!” 

“Thank you, Max, not that I care about your opinions.” Kinga said. “Although this time you’re right. But first, invention exchange! What have you got for us, Heston?”

“Well, how often has this happened to you? You take a picture, upload it to your computer and then you have to Photoshop it yourself.” Jonah began. “But wait, you’re either really lazy or on a tight schedule.”

“Introducing the Photoshop Polaroid Camera.” Crow put a camera down on the table and pushed it towards Jonah. 

“That’s right. The Photoshop Polaroid Camera.” Servo repeated. “You simply pick it up, and take the photo. The camera does all the enhancing work for you.” He said as Jonah demonstrated the invention beside him. “Then at the end, you get a photograph of what you just took a picture of.”

“Say goodbye to black spots, red eye, dark patches, and bright lights. It even Photoshops people.” Crow said. 

“Well? What do you think?” Jonah asked. 

“What do I think?” Kinga scoffed. “I think it’s uninspired. Max!”

Max came back from off camera to push a bench with a CPR dummy on. “Presenting, the CPR Dummy!”

“I know what you’re thinking, it’s already been invented.” Kinga said. “But this the Nightmare CPR Dummy.”

“The only CPR dummy that haunts your nightmares.” Max said.

“Check out it’s terrifying realism.” Kinga gestured to the face as Max lifted the dummy up. It looked just like a real person. “And the haunting sound it makes when you start the chest compressions-it’s just like real ribs cracking!” She said with glee.

“Are you _trying_ to put people off CPR?” Jonah asked. 

“Shut up.” Kinga said. “Okay, _Heston_ , your movie today is called Birdemic-“

“Oh man.” Jonah rubbed the back of his neck. “Kinga, I _really_ don’t have any desire to see this movie again.” 

“Tough break, Heston.” Kinga said. “You agreed you’d riff on every movie I sent you or I’ll cut off your oxygen.” 

“Go ahead and cut off his ox-“ Crow was stopped by Jonah clamping his hands around his beak. 

“Ignore him and _don’t_ cut off my oxygen, please.” Jonah said.

“Then watch the movie. It’s that simple.” Kinga said. 

“He can’t watch this movie.” Servo spoke up. “He won’t go mad, his brain will melt into a big pile of nothing and then he’ll be too dead for you to experiment on and torture.” 

“Yeah.” Jonah nodded in agreement. “Well, not quite that extreme, Tom.”

”Forgive me for being dramatic.”

”Crow’s the dramatic one, you’re-“

Kinga interrupted the two. “What _I_ hear is that you’re rebelling against me and you’re not going to honour your previously arranged agreement.” 

“Well, I either watch the movie or I die a slow, horrible death. It’s not really an agreement more as it is a threat.” Jonah pointed out. 

“Of course it’s a threat!” Kinga shouted. “I _am_ a supervillain.”

“And a wonderful one at that too, your Shevilness.” Max said. 

“Suck up.” Servo muttered. 

“But do you _really_ have to cut off Jonah’s oxygen?” Max asked. “I mean... you won’t have a test subject then.”

“That’s true.” Crow agreed. 

“Then enter the nightmare fuelled world of Birdemic!”

“Wait, Kinga, no!” Jonah shouted.

Kinga growled. “What _now_ , Heston?!”

“I can’t watch this movie.” Jonah said. “I mean it. Nobody can. It’s unwatchable for a reason.”

“Okay. Then you can die.” Kinga disappeared offscreen.

“Kinga, no! Think about this!” Max cried out. “Don’t kill him!” 

The lights started flashing red on the bridge, signifying that something had gone horribly wrong.

“Wait, what’s she doing?” Crow asked. 

Jonah immediately felt the lack of oxygen in the room. Not just because he was suddenly unable to breathe, but he was already feeling dizzy and seeing spots. He tugged at the neck of his t-shirt, even though it didn’t do anything, nor did he logically expect it to.

“Jonah, are you okay?” Crow asked. 

“She did it-she cut off his oxygen.” Servo said. 

“That’s right, I did.” Kinga said. 

“We get to watch another human suffocate to death-“

“Mike’s still _alive_ , Crow.” Servo said. 

“I can’t watch this.” Crow covered his eyes.

“Kinga, _please_ , you’ve taught him his lesson-turn the oxygen back on and he’ll watch the movie, right, Jonah?” Max asked hopefully.

Jonah didn’t answer. The pain in his head was getting worse. Not only that, there was something else, a weird feeling, almost like he was high-

“Jonah.” Servo nudged him. 

Jonah nodded. At what, he wasn’t sure. He just needed to breathe at this point.

“Okay, fine. I’ll put the oxygen back on.” Kinga disappeared back offscreen and Max followed her. So did the camera, putting the two back onscreen.

Although Kinga had pressed the button, nothing seemed to be happening on the Satellite. Maybe it was a delay. Jonah couldn’t deal with a delay, he _needed_ oxygen _now_. He collapsed down to his hands and knees and opened up his jumpsuit, as if that would do anything to help. 

Cambot moved himself behind the desk to where Jonah was, continuing to broadcast to the Mads. 

“Kinga, do something!” Max begged. “He’s turning _blue_!”

At this point, Kinga started to panic. “Synthia!” She screamed. 

Her grandmother’s clone appeared. “Yes, Kinga, what do you need?” 

“There’s something _really_ wrong-I cut Jonah’s oxygen off and now I can’t get it back.” She said. 

“Gypsum!” Crow shouted. “We need oxygen or Jonah’s gonna die and I hear flesh bodies smell really terrible when they die so we can’t have it on the SOL.” He was putting on a brave act, but his voice betrayed him-he was scared.

“Already working on it, Crow.” Gypsum shouted back. She sounded just as panicked.

Great. That was just what Jonah needed to hear. His arm jerked, sending him crashing to the floor. It was such a struggle to keep his eyes open. He was twitching all over and couldn’t stop it if he tried-and he _was_ trying.

“Jonah! Dear god, Jonah, please-“ He heard Servo’s voice, overlapping Kinga’s, Max’s, Synthia’s... 

He looked up to see Growler looking over the desk at him before his vision was completely taken over by black spots and-

Jonah’s eyes snapped open and the first thing he became aware of was that he was drenched in sweat and that one of his eyes wasn’t working. “Crow! Crow!” He called out.

“Crow’s not here, Jonah.” Gypsum said. “It’s me.” 

Jonah was so close to crying that he actually _did_ cry. Gypsum simply wrapped her coils around him and nudged her head closer. A hug. One that Jonah desperately needed. 

Jonah realised that he was safe and patted his hands on Gypsum’s coils. 

“Come on. Let’s get you dry.” Gypsum said after a few minutes. 

Jonah simply nodded. With Gypsum’s help and support, he stood up out of bed. That was when Gypsum noticed something. 

“Jonah... did you... wet yourself again?” 

Jonah winced and shrunk down, as if he were expecting to be told off. He couldn’t help that he did that. It seemed to come with the brain damage. His brain no longer told him when he needed to go to the bathroom. Or when to eat. That’s why the bots had to make his meals for him.

“No no no, it’s okay.” Gypsum nuzzled closer to him. “It’s not your fault. I just need to know for laundry.”

“L...aun’ry.” Jonah repeated. What was _laundry_? He’d definitely heard that word before. But he wasn’t sure what it meant. “What... means?”

“Oh.” Gypsum said. “Laundry just means dirty clothes and bedsheets that need washing.” She explained. “Like this.” She bobbed her head at Jonah’s soiled bedsheets. 

Jonah nodded, understanding, but not really understanding. He knew that his sheets needed washing. But not much else of what Gypsum said. 

“Hey, it’s gonna be okay.” Gypsum said. “Joel’s here. The Mads don’t care about torturing you anymore.” 

Jonah still couldn’t hear properly. Maybe that was why he couldn’t understand Gypsum. Every so often she would just say certain words that he wouldn’t understand. He knew that the Mads were Kinga and Max. He knew he hated Kinga because she was the one who did this to him. Max was alright. Not great, but better than Kinga-wait, what was Gypsum saying?

Jonah growled out in frustration. He tried to move his left arm, but simply cried out in pain and then again in frustration. His body wouldn’t work for him anymore. It hurt endlessly and his arm and leg were weak, he couldn’t hold anything and they kept jerking whenever he wanted to do something. His other hand kept shaking. He couldn’t fix the bots anymore. How could he? He couldn’t even fix himself-

“Jonah, it’s alright.” Gypsum said. 

Jonah shook his head.

“Come on. Let’s get you into some clean clothes.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay. This may be slightly more angsty than I was expecting. But that’s okay.  
> Again, I promise that Jonah will be... happy, I guess. In the end.


	3. Moo-vie Sign!

Joel awoke in the morning after having the weirdest dream. He was back on the Satellite Of Love with his robots and some other guy called Jonah Heston and he’d been kidnapped by Dr F’s daughter, Kinga. What a crazy dream! 

Joel smiled to himself, knowing that it was just a dream and nothing else. He reached over on his bedside table for his glasses... only there were no glasses. Or bedside table. He put his hand on the mattress only there was no mattress either. What was he lying on?

He sat bolt upright when he realised that it wasn’t a dream. He really _was_ back on the Satellite Of Love. 

“No!” He screamed. 

* * *

In the kitchen, Jonah was jumpsuited up and sitting on a stool at the table. He had his arms stretched out and his head also on the table. Crow was making breakfast with Servo-one was using a hot plate and the other, a blender. 

“It’s not a dream, is it guys?” Joel walked in, rubbing his neck. 

“Not a chance in hell.” Crow said. 

“What-what are you two doing?” Joel asked. 

“Making breakfast.” Servo said. 

“But you don’t know how to cook.”

“We cook for Jonah every day.” Servo said. “He can’t cook for himself, can he?” 

Joel looked over at the younger man who was dribbling on the table while his left arm spasmed and shook. “Well... I suppose not.”

“Sit down, Joel, we’ll make breakfast for you too.” Crow said. 

“I... I think I’ll do some exploring, actually.” Joel said. “See what’s changed.”

“Alright. We’ll keep you something.” Crow said. 

Joel nodded. He put his hands in the pockets of his pants-not the jumpsuit the new Mads had sent up-and walked out of the room. He carried on walking until he came across a door with some wires and tubing sticking out of it. It had him curious, as the tubing looked like Gypsum’s, so he walked in. He wasn’t prepared for what he found inside. 

“Oh. My god.” Joel muttered. 

It was some kind of workshop with tools strewn around the place. At the back of the room was a 3D printer. Several half finished inventions, presumably for Invention Exchanges, lay on the worktops and workbenches. Finished inventions also occupied the worktops, but some were put in a little pile in the corner. Also in the corner were several small wooden props. On the wall above a workbench was a cork board with schematics, designs, little sketches. Below that were plans. A lone red spacesuit had been abandoned on the only chair and its helmet was on the floor next to it. 

Joel turned around to see the whole room and saw that on the inside of the door, a sign read in bold capital letters; **JONAH’S FABLAB! BOTS STAY OUT** with a small note underneath reading only; **(that means you, Crow)**. 

Joel walked to the pile of discarded wooden props and picked one of them up for a closer look. Godzilla. He presumed. Then again, it could have been a Godzilla rip off. Knowing the Mads, he couldn’t know for sure. He put it back in the pile and looked at the finished inventions. 

A giant Pez dispenser. A dollhouse desk. A box. A magazine. A small dunk tank. Lots of weird little things. Just the kinds of things he’d expected from a Gizmocrat. 

He went over to the schematics and looked at the top one-for a percussive drive on a Backjack-Tom had been right about that. The next one was for that small orange robot. Another for Gypsum, one for Crow, one for the SOL, another for Moon 13... Joel put the plans back down. He took a look in a nearby book. 

“ _There I was, face to face with Reptilicus Metallicus-_ “

What even _was_ a Reptilicus Metallicus? Joel closed the book and took a look at some of the unfinished inventions. Some were simple, while others were more complicated. And that spacesuit? That it was built out of scraps and it actually worked was nothing short of amazing.

In fact, the more he looked through Jonah’s lab, the worse he felt for the younger man. He was talented as an inventor, an engineer and apparently, a drummer too. But now his arm was wrecked, he was unsteady on his feet, he slurred and drooled, couldn’t communicate properly and had night terrors. All that talent had all been taken away from him. 

Joel sat down on one of the stools and put his head in his hands. It took everything within him not to start crying. The entire situation was completely and totally _fucked_.

* * *

A few minutes later, Joel headed back to the kitchen. There, all the other bots had gathered and were discussing terrible movies that Kinga could potentially foist on them. 

“Come on, you gotta admit Sharknado’s pretty bad.” Servo said. 

“If it was that bad you wouldn’t have seen it by now.” Crow argued. 

“Plus when movies try to be bad, it’s not good.” Gypsum said. 

“Yeah-yeah, she’s more likely to send us movies that are legitimately terrible, rather than movies that are trying too hard to be terrible.” Crow said. 

“Like The Room.” M. Waverly added.

“Where did _you_ hear about The Room?” Servo asked. 

“We _have_ a TV.” M. Waverly said. 

“Uh. Hey guys.” Joel waved awkwardly. “And girl.” 

Everyone stopped what they were doing to look at Joel. 

“I made pancakes for you, Joel.” Crow blurted out and thrust a plate into Joel’s hands. 

Joel looked down at it and found three pancakes of roughly even size. Maybe the bots really _have_ learned to cook without blowing anything up. But it’s been so long since he was on the SOL with them. If they were human, they’d all be old enough to have have graduated college, moved away and probably settled down to have their own little robot families. Maybe he just wasn’t giving them enough credit-after all, they _had_ saved Jonah’s life and kept him alive. But at the same time, they were all just acting like frightened children. 

That wave of intense sadness came crashing over Joel again. 

“Joel, are you okay?” Servo asked. 

So many times Joel’s heard that since he was dumped here. “I’m fine, Tom. It’s just that I’m... _overwhelmed_. I didn’t ever think I’d be back here.” He took a seat, slightly further down than Jonah, who had resumed eating. 

Joel looked over at Jonah. It was hard not to notice the jerky movements. Or the tremors. His food just kept spilling off the spoon and on him-he wasn’t getting most of it. No wonder he was wearing a bib. 

That made Joel think of something-could he make eating a little bit easier for Jonah? Sure, the swallowing part will still be hard, but could he get something to lift the food to his mouth? A stabilising brace on his arm or something? That might cut out the tremors altogether. 

“Joel, aren’t you going to eat the pancakes?” Crow asked. 

“Of course I am.” Joel said. 

“You need to eat, Joel. Keep your strength up.” Gypsum said. She turned over to Jonah. “No, don’t stop, you need to finish the whole bowl.”

Joel picked up his knife and fork and began to cut into his pancake. 

* * *

Down on Moon 13, Kinga was pacing. Max was carrying pills and other medical supplies in his arms. She stopped and approached Max. “Max. What the hell are you doing?”

“Oh, apparently Jonah’s run out of his medicine, so I’m sending some more up.” Max said. 

Kinga picked up a bottle of pills to examine it. “Tegretol? Car-be-mazepine? What _is_ that?”

“It’s for Jonah’s seizures.” Max said. “It’s the most effective pill we’ve tried so far.” 

“Seizures? What-“

“You... don’t know?” Max asked. “Jonah has epilepsy. Well, he’s actually got a lot more than that, but-“

Kinga grit her teeth. She never meant for any of this to happen. She wanted to drive Jonah mad, not give him permanent disabilities. What would Grandma Pearl think? What would her father have thought? Maybe reopening Mystery Science Theater 3000 was a poor decision to begin with. She listened as Max went on and on and on about Jonah’s problems. She knew it was bad, he’d been starved of oxygen for far too long for it to be okay. And she knew that it had been her fault. And even though she was a supervillain, she wished she could take it back.

“Will he be able to watch today’s movie-“

“Howard the Duck again?” Max finished. “No, probably not.” 

“Ardy’s has that movie queued up for ages now.” Kinga said. “It feels like months.”

“It _has_ been four months.” Max said with a nod. “Jonah’s probably not going to get any better. It might be worth getting him off the Satellite now.”

“And send him _where_ , Max?” Kinga asked. “It’s not like he can drive his Backjack anymore, especially if he’s got epilepsy-that would be totally irresponsible. And before you say it, I’m _not_ getting rid of Joel Robinson.”

“I don’t know.” Max shrugged. “Maybe you could and replace him with Mike Nelson. Or some other Gizmonic Institute sap.” 

“No way.” Kinga said. “I’m not doing it.” 

“Well, just send Jonah back to Earth. Or at least keep him here on Moon 13 where he can get some medical care.” Max suggested. 

Kinga sighed as loud as she possibly could. “Fine. I’ll get him down here for a medical evaluation and then he’s going right back to the stupid satellite.” 

“Alright.” Max nodded. “I’ll send these up.” 

Kings pinched the bridge of her nose as Max carried on down the hallway. Her hand dropped down to her side. Maybe she should send Jonah back to Earth where he would be his family’s burden. 

Or maybe not. 

She pushed a button and the Satellite Of Love feed came on the screen in front of her. Joel came into view, just looking around. She pushed another button. 

Joel knew that sound and his heart sank. He pressed the purple button on the desk in front of him. 

“Hello, Joel Robinson. I hope you’re settling in nicely.” Kinga said. “Where’s the jumpsuits I had sent up for you?” 

“I’m not wearing them.” Joel said. “I’ve moved past that point in my life-“

“And _that_ point in your life has moved right back to _this_ point.” Kinga said. 

“I suppose it has, Kinga.” Joel said.

“I don’t suppose you have an invention exchange?” She asked hopefully. 

“Not today, Kinga.” Joel said. “It hasn’t even been a day.” 

“How would you feel about resuming the experiment?”

“Mystery Science Theater 3000?” 

“Mystery Science Theater 3000.” Kinga confirmed. “Yes.” 

Max came up behind Kinga. “Alright, it’s all sent off-“

“Shut up, Max.” Kinga said. “I’m talking to the new blood.”

“Old blood.” Joel corrected.

“New old blood.” Kinga said. 

“Oh right. Sorry.” Max said. He waved at Joel. “Hey, Joel.”

Joel returned the wave as Jonah Servo and Crow came up behind him, Servo sitting on top of the desk as usual. Jonah leaned over on the desk.

“Hey, Max.”

“You know, I actually prefer TV’s Son of TV’s Frank-“

“Nobody cares what you prefer!” Kinga shouted in his face. She turned back to the screen and chuckled darkly. “Hello, Servo. Crow.”

“We just wanted to say that we’ve had a delivery of medicines.” Crow said. 

Max put his hand up. “Yeah, that was me.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah.” Kinga said. “Glad you got the pills, but you’ve had four months off now, we’re resuming the experiment.”

“We haven’t had _any_ time off.” Servo said. 

“ _You_ have.” Crow said. “ _I_ haven’t.”

“What do you mean I’ve had time off?” Servo asked. “I haven’t had _any_ time off!”

“Well you’re never pulling your weight with Jonah-even Growler is more useful than you in that regard and I’d still prefer if we stripped him for parts!” Crow said. 

“You’re forever working on your latest screenplay!” Servo argued.

“I’ll have you know that Snow Pickles From Space is going to be even better than Earth vs Soup!” Crow snapped. 

“What the hell even is a snow pickle and why would it be from space?!” Servo snapped back. “Get your head out of the clouds, Crow-Jonah _isn’t_ going to get better!”

“Take that back!”

“No taking back the truth!”

“Boys, boys! Please!” Joel pushed Crow to the right of Jonah, separating the two bots. “You shouldn’t be arguing.”

“Why not?” Crow asked. “Like _you’re_ my real father!”

“He _is_ your father, he built you.” Kinga said. “Now if there’s going to be no more interruptions, Joel, I want you to put on a jumpsuit before we start the invention exchanges. But for now, we’re going to be resuming Mystery Science Theater 3000. Max, tell them about the movie.”

“Well, Crow, Tom, Jonah, you’ve been hearing about this movie for months, but your movie today will be Howard the Duck. It’s really terrible and has some scenes in there that may make you want to bleach your eyeballs out.” Max said. “But you can’t do that because there’s no bleach on the Satellite.”

“Well, send one of your Boneheads up with some then.” Crow said. 

“No.” Kinga said. “Prepare to enter the nightmare fuelled world of Howard the Duck! Flush them the movie!” She cackled.

Ardy, the Hazmat suited worker of Moon 14 pulled down on the lever, sending the Kingachrome liquid movie up to the SOL. “Movie in the hole!” He announced.

All the lights started flashing on the bridge and an alarm began to blare.

“Moo-vie sign!” Jonah announced. 

Joel was taken aback-a movie sign was something he hadn’t seen in twenty years or so. Something he’d never expected to see again either. 

A big black tube came from the ceiling and Jonah looked up as it sucked him up into it.

“What the _hell_ was _that_?!” Joel asked while Crow pushed him to the theater.

“Wow. Haven’t seen that one in a while.” Servo said. 

“What do you mean-what _was_ that?” 

“Don’t worry about it.” Crow said. “He’s going to Moon 13. Just worry about the movie.” 

* * *

On Moon 13, Jonah landed on his ass after being spewed back out of the tube. Max offered his hand helping him get up. 

Up close, Kinga could see Jonah’s... problems. His upper and forearm muscles seemed stiff, despite jerking like hell. Both of his hands were shaking, which she could see as he wiped away some dribble from his chin. 

“Jonah.” She greeted. “Welcome back to Moon 13.” She spoke almost softly. Despite being a villain, she clearly felt bad. Whether that was guilt or pity, she didn’t yet know. “Synthia!”

“Yes, Kinga, I’m here.” Synthia said. 

“Great. Escort Jonah to the medical bay, would you?” 

“Of course, Kinga, will do.” Synthia said with a nod. “Come on, Jonah.”

“Kay.” Jonah said. He had to think long and hard about where he was going to put his feet. He was scared of tripping over or having his leg muscles spasm and drop him to the ground. Luckily for him, it didn’t happen. 

Along the way, he passed several Boneheads and some more of Kinga’s minions that he recognised, but couldn’t put a name to the face, including a guy in a Hazmat suit eating a sandwich in one hand and carrying his Hazmat helmet in the other. He kind of looked like Joel. There was another, a well dressed woman wearing a lab coat and a mess of brown curly hair tied up in a ponytail. She was reading a book, but looked up and frowned under her glasses, definitely seeming to recognise him. But Jonah didn’t recognise her. 

After a while, Synthia seemed to notice that Jonah was struggling to walk, mainly because he was leaning up against a wall. 

“Come on, we’re almost at the medical bay.” She said. 

Jonah shook his head. 

“No what?” Synthia asked. “You have to come. Kinga wants you to be medically examined.”

Jonah shook his head again. He wished literally any of the bots were here with him. They seemed to understand him even when he couldn’t understand himself. 

Synthia sighed. “Are you getting tired or something?” 

Jonah nodded. “Hard.” He said. “Walking... um... uh...” he flapped his hand out of frustration, not being able to think of the word. He grew increasingly agitated to the point where he was almost in tears. “It... _diffi-cult_.” He sighed in relief. 

Synthia stood there watching it all and it came clear to her that Jonah _definitely_ had problems and he wasn’t putting it on. He didn’t need a doctor to tell him that. Or Kinga. But it’s what Kinga wanted. She exhaled and nodded when Jonah found his words. “Alright. You can keep balance on me until we get there-it’s just down the hall.” 

Jonah looked at Synthia with a confused expression. He was confused. Most of what she said sounded muffled. 

“Your hand,” Synthia pointed at her hand, “here.” She patted at her shoulder. 

Jonah nodded and put his hand on her shoulder. As he walked with her down the hallway, he wondered why a Mad would go out of their way to make themselves understood to him. 

Synthia stopped upon reaching the medical bay. “Here we are.” She pointed to the examining table in the middle of the room. “You go there.” 

Jonah nodded. He walked slowly over to the examination table and thanks to his long legs, was able to sit down on it easily. 

“I’m going back. To Kinga.” Synthia said.

“Kay.” Jonah said. 

“Will you be alright?” 

Jonah nodded. “Fine.” 

Synthia nodded and walked away, leaving Jonah on his own. He really wished his mother was here right now. 

* * *

Up on the SOL, Joel and the bots came out of the theater and into the bridge.

“Oh yeah, Kingachrome is terrible.” Crow said.

“Really impractical. But she insists on using it anyway.” Servo said. 

“Alright, what exactly is Kingachrome?” Joel asked. 

“A dangerous liquid where she stores movies and sends them to us.” Crow said. 

“That’s... kind of impressive.” Joel said. “Dr F just sent tapes.” 

“That’s because DVDs weren’t a viable form of media yet.” Servo said. 

“Well, not when Joel was on here last.” Crow added. 

“Joel?” Servo asked.

“Yes, Tom?”

“How do you like the movie so far?”

“To be completely honest, Tom, I don’t.” Joel admitted. “But I didn’t expect to.”

“I know it’s rated PG.” Crow said. “But I swear that parts of that movie aren’t suitable for kids.”

“How so?” Joel asked. 

“The female presenting duck nipples.” Crow said.

“Yeah, why do ducks need breasts to begin with?” Servo asked. “They’re just animals that float on the water and go quack.”

“Unless it’s set in the same parallel universe as DuckTales.” Crow said. 

“Maybe it is, Crow.” 

The lights began flashing again and an alarm began to blare.

“Movie sign!” Servo shouted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My little Tom Servo arrived today! Yay!  
> This chapter is more humorous. Better than angsty.  
> Joel isn’t reacting well to being Kinga’s new prisoner. But even Kinga has standards.  
> Ardy looks like Joel for the most obvious reason. They’re both Joel Hodgson.  
> The woman Jonah couldn’t place was Dr Donna St Phibes.  
> Expect to see more from Dr Donna St Phibes, Ardy, M. Waverly and Growler in subsequent chapters.  
> And also expect Mike to turn up at some point.  
> I hope I’m writing the bots in character.  
> Oh and yes, the ‘female presenting duck nipples’ line is a jab at Tumblr.


	4. A Lot of Punching and Biting

It wasn’t until the end of the movie that Joel realised that Magic Voice had gone from the satellite. Jonah was still down on Moon 13, so he could only imagine the kinds of tests that Kinga and her goons were carrying out on him. 

“That movie was a _killer_.” Servo said.

“Yeah, when Lea Thompson thought Howard was dead, he should have stayed dead.” 

“Now, Crow, that’s not a very nice thing to say.” Joel said. 

“But it’s true.” Crow said. 

“Even if it’s true, you shouldn’t say it.” Joel said. 

“I will say this, that ending was the most Eighties thing I’ve ever seen in my life.” Servo said. 

“That _hair_ was the most Eighties thing I’ve ever seen in my life.” Gypsum said.

“The _music_ was the most Eighties thing I’ve ever heard in my life.” Growler said.

“ _All of it_ was the most Eighties thing I’ve ever seen in my life.” 

That was the little orange and white robot again. 

“Can I just ask, Joel, if Lea Thompson was in love with Howard the Duck-which she was-wouldn’t that be against the law? Given that he’s a duck and she’s a person?” Crow asked. 

“Uh-um-ah...” Joel stammered, unable to answer the question. “Well, he’s an alien. So I suppose that makes it okay.” 

“But it is a bit _freaky_ , you’ve gotta admit.” Servo agreed.

“No freakier than Ator marrying his not biological but still sister.” The little orange and white robot pointed out.

“I-I’m Sorry, who are you?” Joel asked. 

“I’m M. Waverly.” He said, sticking his hand out.

“Jonah built him.” Servo said as Joel shook M. Waverly’s hand. 

“And Servo _re_ built him.” Crow said bitterly. 

“I’m sorry, _rebuilt_?” Joel asked. 

“It’s a long story.” Servo said. 

“I’m hoping that film was torture for you!” Kinga said with a dark chuckle. “I’ve been waiting to show that for months!”

“Yes, Kinga, it was torture.” Joel said. 

“Well, there’s a lot more where that came from.” Kinga smirked. “Hope you enjoy your new old life on the Satellite... or don’t. I don’t really care. Max!”

“Right here!” Max said. He had been standing next to her the whole time. 

“Push the button.”

“Wait!” Crow blurted out.

“What now, Crow?” Kinga asked. 

“Where’s Jonah?” 

“Still under medical evaluation.” Kinga said. 

“When will we get him back?” Crow asked.

“Will we _ever_ get him back?” Servo asked. 

“I don’t know and yeah, probably.” Kinga said. “Now if that’s all, push the button, Max.”

Max nodded and the jetscreen turned black. 

“I’ll be in my room.” Servo said and hovered away.

“I’ll be in Jonah’s lab.” M. Waverly walked away.

“I’m going to go and cook.” Crow said. He walked away too, but in a different direction.

“I’ll go and read that one John Grisham novel.” Gypsum said, ascending back to the ceiling.

“Oh, I’ll just hang out here on the bridge playing music.” Growler said. 

Joel waited to hear from Magic Voice, before remembering there was no Magic Voice anymore. He walked through the hallway, to get a better look at everything. 

* * *

A few days later, Jonah was still being poked and prodded in the medical bay down on Moon 13. Kinga’s doctor was a lot nicer than Kinga was, which surprising to Jonah. He wasn’t sure what to expect, but the thought everyone on Moon 13 would be as nasty as Kinga. Who walked into the medical bay for the third day running. 

“Well?” Kinga asked. “I heard you finished your tests. How is it?”

“It’s not good, Kinga.” The doctor said. She looked down at Jonah’s notes. “We’re looking at a global brain injury caused by anoxic anoxia along with cerebral infarction-“

“What does that mean?” Kinga asked.

“His brain was starved of oxygen and he had a stroke which means his brain is damaged all over.” The doctor said. 

“How badly?” 

“ _Very_ badly.” The doctor glanced over at Jonah, who was lying on the examination bed with his eyes closed. She looked back at Kinga. “He seems to understand written information better than spoken-that part of his brain is damaged.”

“Are there any parts that aren’t?” Kinga asked. 

“From his MRI scan, I’d say no.” The doctor said. “He’s got several classic symptoms of anoxic brain injury-he has a lack of coordination, he presents with paresis in his right arm and leg, his left arm and leg however, I’m spotting a lot of involuntary muscle movements and spasticity. In fact, I’m seeing that in most of his muscles. In both hands, I see tremors. He struggles to move. It takes a while for him to plot out movements and sometimes even then it doesn’t work out.” 

The doctor paused as she turned over the page on Jonah’s medical notes. “There’s also epilepsy-he’s had three seizures since he was brought in here. Difficulty swallowing, hence the dribbling. And that’s without mentioning the night terrors, incontinence, fatigue, chronic pain, vertigo, and blindness in the left eye. I’m also seeing signs of depression, agitation, anxiety, frustration... Kinga, how did this happen?”

“Never mind how it happened, can you fix him or not?” Kinga demanded.

“Kinga... there’s no fixing Jonah. He’s like this forever now.” The doctor said. “Did you do this?”

“I... I didn’t mean to.” Kinga said in a soft voice. “I just-I lost my temper. I didn’t think. And I didn’t imagine for one second that this would happen to Jonah.” She paused. “What do we do about it?”

“My recommendation is that he goes back to Earth for physical, occupational and speech therapy. But I know you’re not going to send him back there.” 

“No, I’m not.” 

“Then I don’t know if you can do anything about it.” The doctor said darkly. “Kinga, he needs specialist help. More specialised than Moon 13 can give him.”

“He has six robot pals and a human up on the satellite.”

“It’s not like it’s a broken leg. You can’t bandage it up and it’ll be fine in a few weeks-Kinga, this is his brain.”

“So what do I do then? Stick him in a wheelchair, put a bib on him, hand feed him, and give him Depends?” 

“Kinga, _no_.” The doctor said firmly. “He needs adaptions to live among the abled, not to be holed away. I firmly believe that with the right care, we could get the best out of him, but he has to be among people who understand his specific disabilities-“

“Got it, send him back up to his robot jerks.” Kinga nodded. 

“No, Kinga, that’s not what I’m saying.”

“Skeleton Crew!” Kinga howled. 

* * *

Joel was getting more used to the way the Satellite was laid out-and the way the bots were talking now. He’d taken over Jonah’s fablab for his own uses (as well as the other workshops in the rooms numbered 1 and 2) and was tinkering away at something. He’d modified one of Jonah’s unfinished inventions onto a fork, like he’d seen for those with Parkinson’s back on Earth, and was just starting work on the arm brace when-

“Joel! Joel! Joel!”

“Yes, Crow?” 

“Why are you in Jonah’s lab?”

“Well... I think it’s become _my_ lab now.”

“You don’t think Jonah’s coming back?”

“I don’t know, Crow, it’s hard to say.” Joel admitted. “But even if he did, he wouldn’t be able to make anything anyway.” 

“Why not, Joel?

Joel sighed. “Because he’s got brain damage.” 

“But he’ll get better.” Crow protested. 

“Crow, honey, he’s _not_ going to get better.” Joel said. “But he’s probably not going to get worse, either.” He put down the screwdriver and stood up from the stool he’d been sitting on. 

“So what you’re saying is that Jonah will be fine.” Crow nodded. “Cool.”

“No, that’s not what I said at all.” Joel said. “Jonah... look, Crow, it’s complicated. But how Jonah is now, that’s how he’ll stay.”

“Can’t... can’t you fix him, Joel?” Crow asked. “When Servo or Cambot or Gypsum or I got damaged, _you_ were the one who fixed us.”

“I...” Joel inhaled deeply as he thought about what he was going to say next. “I can’t, Crow. I can’t fix him. But I can help him.”

“So you _can_ make his brain better?” 

Joel shook his head. “No. I can’t help him like that.”

“How can you help him then?” Crow asked. 

“I want to make the Satellite Of Love more accessible to him, so he can look after himself a bit better, rather than having to rely on any of us.” Joel said. “Like the other day, I noticed Gypsum helping him eat. I’m inventing something here so Jonah can eat by himself.”

“Oh.” Crow nodded in understanding. “So can you stop him peeing the bed?” 

Joel frowned. “You know, I’ve seen things on Earth that help with that problem.” He said. “So I could probably whip something up in the workshop.” 

“Can you stop his weird movements?” 

“I can’t stop them, but with some bracing, I _might_ just be able to stabilise them.” 

“Wow.” Crow said. “So how are you going to solve his walking problems?”

“Well, there’s already an invention for that, Crow, it’s called a wheelchair.”

“Like in Mac and Me!” 

Joel blinked and looked down at the robot. “Yes, I suppose so.” He said. He’d had the misfortune of coming across Mac and Me on cable back in 1997. Some part of him felt he had to watch it as if the Mads were still forcing him to, but the rest of him knew better. Five years out from the experiments and he hadn’t deconditioned himself to them. Now that he finally had, he was back on the SOL again and every morning he thought he was back home and then remembered that he was actually there. It was nothing short of nightmarish. 

“How are you going to build a wheelchair then?” Crow asked. “Is the SOL even wheelchair accessible?”

“Well... one, I’m not. And two, I don’t know, which is why I’m not.” Joel answered. “But I am going to figure out a solution to the problem. That’s what Gizmocrats do.”

“But you’re the manager of a Hot Fish Shop.” Crow pointed out. 

“True.” Joel nodded in agreement. “But I _used_ to be a Gizmocrat.”

“You used to be a _janitor_.” Crow said.

“Does _everyone_ need to keep pointing that out?” Joel asked. “I made you, Gypsum, Cambot and Tom. I doubt most other Gizmonic Institute employees could say the same-“

“Jonah built two robots.” Crow said. “I hate them. But he built them. Do you think he’ll build any _more_ robots?”

“No, Crow, he won’t.” Joel walked out the door and exited into the hallway. 

Crow followed him out. “Oh man, what a relief. This place is crowded enough as it is, you know.” 

“Crow... he won’t. Because he can’t.” Joel said. “As in _physically_ can’t. His hands aren’t steady enough anymore.” 

“Oh.” Crow said in almost a disappointed tone. He didn’t know quite what to say so he simply tapped his hands together as he walked alongside Joel.

“Crow, honey, do you mind not doing that?” Joel asked. 

“Oh sure. Sorry.” Crow said. 

They arrived on the bridge where nobody else was, except Cambot. Joel still felt bad for not initially recognising him. How was he supposed to? The little robot had changed so much since Joel last remembered. They all had, but Cambot had definitely changed the most radically. 

“Hey, Cambot.” Joel greeted. 

The little recording robot beeped in response. 

Crow stood at the desk as if he were expecting something to happen. 

“Crow?” 

“I was just thinking. I don’t know.” Crow moved his arms in a way that indicated a shrug. 

“You know you don’t have to be so guarded with me.” Joel said. “I can’t say I know you better than you know yourself, because it’s been so long now that it’s simply not true.”

“I spent so long on here without you.” Crow said. “I lived with Mike for a long time.” 

“I know.” Joel said. 

“And now I live with Jonah. And he’s not the same. Joel, I was just starting to _like_ him too.” 

Without thinking about it, Joel removed Crow’s netting and patted his head. “It’s okay. But if you don’t mind me asking, how did you get up here again?”

“Oh, well it’s a long story and it involves a lot of punching and biting and-“

Gypsum chose her moment to descend from the ceiling. “Joel, I made you some lunch. It’s ready in the kitchen if you want it.”

“Oh, thanks, Gyps.” Joel said. “But you don’t need to cook for me. I can cook for myself.”

“Oh yeah.” She chuckled awkwardly. “Force of habit, I suppose.”

“I’ll be in the kitchen in a minute.” Joel said. “Crow, why don’t you head to the kitchen ahead of me? I’ll catch up, I promise.”

Crow grunted. “Alright.” He agreed. “But don’t take too long.” He headed through the doorway and Gypsum ascended up to the ceiling, leaving Joel alone with Cambot. 

Joel leaned over and rested his elbows on the desk. “So, Cambot.” 

Cambot whirred excitedly at Joel’s acknowledgement. 

“Do you know exactly what happened to Jonah-is it stored in your memory banks somewhere?”

Cambot bobbed up and down to indicate yes. 

“Can I see it?” Joel asked carefully. He wasn’t sure whether he _wanted_ to know or not, all he knew was that he _had_ to know. There were lots of things he had to know, but he wasn’t quite sure whether the bots were quite ready to open up yet. They were hardly opening up about Jonah, how could he expect them to open up about the Mads?

Cambot bobbed up and down again and began to project some footage. 

“ _Okay, Heston,”_ Kinga’s voice _, “your movie today is called Birdemic-“_

_“Oh man.” Jonah rubbed the back of his neck. “Kinga, I really don’t have any desire to see this movie again.”_

_“Tough break, Heston.”_ Kinga said _. “You agreed you’d riff on every movie I sent you or I’ll cut off your oxygen.”_

_“Go ahead and cut off his ox-“_

_Jonah put his hands around Crow’s beak, stopping him saying anything further. “Ignore him and don’t cut off my oxygen, please.” He said._

_“Then watch the movie. It’s that simple.”_ Kinga said. 

“ _He can’t watch this movie.” Servo said. “He won’t go mad, his brain will melt into a big pile of nothing and then he’ll be too dead for you to experiment on and torture.”_

_“Yeah.” Jonah nodded. “Well, not quite that extreme, Tom.”_

_”Forgive me for being dramatic.” Servo said._

_Jonah rolled his eyes. “Crow’s the dramatic one, you’re-“_

_“What I hear is that you’re rebelling against me and you’re not going to honour your previously arranged agreement.”_ Kinga’s voice again.

_“Well, I either watch the movie or I die a slow, horrible death. It’s not really an agreement more as it is a threat.” Jonah said._

_“Of course it’s a threat!”_ Kinga shouted. _“I am a supervillain.”_

_“And a wonderful one at that too, your Shevilness.”_ That was Max’s voice _._

_“Suck up.” Servo mumbled._

_“But do you really have to cut off Jonah’s oxygen?”_ Max asked. _“I mean... you won’t have a test subject then.”_

_“That’s true.” Crow said._

_“Then enter the nightmare fuelled world of Birdemic!”_

_“Wait, Kinga, no!” Jonah shouted._

Kinga growled. _“What now, Heston?!”_

_“I can’t watch this movie.” Jonah said. “I mean it. Nobody can. It’s unwatchable for a reason.”_

_“Okay. Then you can die.”_ Kinga said.

_“Kinga, no! Think about this!”_ Max cried out. _“Don’t kill him!”_

_Lights started flashing red on the bridge._

Joel winced. He instantly knew that that was the point where Kinga had shut off the oxygen.

“ _Wait, what’s she doing?” Crow asked._

Joel could clearly see that Jonah was in distress and was gasping for air, despite there being none.

_Jonah clawed at the neck of his t-shirt as he tried to breathe._

_“Jonah, are you okay?” Crow asked._

_“She did it-she cut off his oxygen.” Servo said._

_“That’s right, I did.”_ Kinga said. 

_“We get to watch another human suffocate to death-“_

_“Mike’s still alive, Crow.” Servo said._

Joel’s heart sank. Kinga had got the idea for the punishment of cutting off oxygen from her father. After saying that Dr Forrester wouldn’t have cut off his or Mike’s oxygen... he _had_ cut off Mike’s oxygen. Why hadn’t Mike told him about that?

“ _I can’t watch this.” Crow covered his eyes._

_“Kinga, please, you’ve taught him his lesson-turn the oxygen back on and he’ll watch the movie, right, Jonah?”_ Max asked desperately.

_Jonah said nothing and his eyes glazed over as he continued to gasp for air._

_“Jonah.” Servo nudged him._

_At Servo’s prompting, Jonah nodded._

_“Okay, fine. I’ll put the oxygen back on.” Kinga said._

_Around half a minute with nothing happening onscreen, Jonah developed a blue-ish tint to his skin, especially in his lips, and collapsed down behind the desk. Cambot moved his position to that Jonah was in view once again. He was on his hands and knees, opening his jumpsuit and sweat was dripping off him._

_“Kinga, do something!”_ Max’s voice again _. “He’s turning blue!”_

_“Synthia!”_ Kinga screamed in panic.

_“Yes, Kinga, what do you need?”_ An oddly familiar voice asked.

_“There’s something really wrong-I cut Jonah’s oxygen off and now I can’t get it back.”_ Kinga said. 

_“Gypsum!” Crow shouted. “We need oxygen or Jonah’s gonna die and I hear flesh bodies smell really terrible when they die so we can’t have it on the SOL.”_

Joel could tell that Crow was scared. It was obvious in his voice and the way he looked down at Jonah.

“ _Already working on it, Crow.” Gypsum also sounded scared._

_Jonah’s muscles began to twitch-his arm jerked out from under him and he fully dropped to the floor with all of his muscles jerking and twitching._

This was quickly becoming a difficult watch of a different type for Joel, who was questioning his decision to even watch this. He felt terrible for the bots who actually had to watch this live and in person. 

Offscreen, Kinga, Max and the other voice were having an argument and Joel couldn’t quite work out what they were saying. He could barely work out what Servo said onscreen, but when he did, his heart sank further. 

“ _Jonah! Dear god, Jonah, please-you’ve got to hang on! No Jonah!”_

_Jonah’s eyes closed as he fell unconscious. Servo tried to poke him awake, but he suddenly started shaking more violently._

_“Is there anything I can do to help?”_ That was either Rowlf the dog from The Muppets or Growler, Jonah’s robot. 

_“I don’t know what’s happening.” Crow was upset and would definitely be crying if he were a human._

_“Gypsum!” Servo shouted. “Jonah’s making weird movements!”_

_“He’s having a seizure!” Gypsum declared. “I need to restore oxygen right now or else he could end up with permanent brain damage!”_

_“Oh nonono, I didn’t want this to happen.”_ Kinga’s voice. Sounding somewhat... remorseful?

_“What do we do though?” Servo asked._

_“Nothing!” Gypsum shouted. “Just keep him away from anything that could hurt him. I have to go deeper into the satellite-I’ll be back as soon as I can.”_

_“How long has it been since the oxygen-“_

_“Nearly four minutes, Kinga.”_

Kinga and Max again.

_“Are we any closer to getting oxygen circulating again?”_

_“Not yet, Kinga.”_ The familiar voice said. 

_“You should have learned not to do this after the last time.”_ Max’s panicked voice. 

Joel felt physically ill. She’d done this _before_. To who though? Was he ever going to find out? How much more of this video could he take? 

After a few minutes more of panicked talking and shouting from the Mads-and watching Jonah turning bluer as he twitched uncontrollably-the twitching suddenly stopped. 

_“It’s been six minutes. What if Jonah dies?” Crow sounded very upset._

Joel wanted to reach out and hug his bot, but he couldn’t because it was just a recording. 

“ _The twitching’s finally stopped.” M. Waverly pointed to Jonah’s lifeless body._

_Wait-lifeless body?!_

_“That’s because Jonah’s... dead.” Servo buried his gum ball machine head into the desk._

_“You’re going to have to do CPR.”_ An unfamiliar voice said _._ Someone on Kinga’s side _. “I know there’s no oxygen yet, but you do chest compressions, that’ll keep Jonah’s heart going.”_

_“How do we do that?” M. Waverly asked._

_“Get him on his back.”_

_“Crow, you’ve got working hands, you do it.” Servo said._

_“But Growler has working fingers-“_

_“Both of you do it! We can’t afford to waste time!” Servo snapped._

_Together, the two robots turned Jonah from his side and flipped him onto his back._

_“Now you go by his head and put your hands in the center of his chest. And push down as hard as you can.”_

_Crow looked down at Jonah before doing exactly as he was told._

_The lights went back to normal on the bridge and Gypsum descended from the ceiling down to examine Jonah on the floor._

_“I managed to restore the oxygen.” She said. “I think it took me too long.”_

_“Gyps, Jonah died.” Servo said. “Crow’s trying to raise him from the dead.”_

_“Do I stop?” Crow asked._

_“Don’t stop!” Gypsum blurted out. “Just keep going and put all your upper body weight into it. I’ll monitor him if his heartbeat comes back.”_

Joel couldn’t help but feel a sense of pride in his bots. They were saving a life. They didn’t just save Jonah’s life, they brought him back from the dead. Crow finally did get to decide who lives and who dies. And he decided that Jonah wouldn’t die. 

“Cambot, honey, I don’t want to see any more. That’s okay. You can stop now.” Joel said. 

Cambot beeped in acknowledgement and stopped projecting the footage. 

Joel sighed and looked down at his feet. Jonah had literally _died_ in that very spot. It was a grim thought. But he was alive again now. And someone on Moon 13 had helped save him. 

“I’m going to go to the kitchen and get my food now, the others will probably be wondering where I am.” Joel chuckled, almost in an empty way. “You should come too.” 

Cambot bobbed up and down and beeped excitedly and the two headed down the numbered hallway together. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My little Crow arrived today and reminded me I needed to update.  
> So I renamed the story after the Ariana Grande song of the same name. I feel like the song matches the tone of the story.  
> I actually subjected myself to Howard the Duck for you guys.  
> I can’t imagine Kinga wouldn’t have a Doctor and limited medical supplies on Moon 13. I mean, if she has a Mesozoic Barbecue Ranch down on Moon 14, she probably has at least one doctor on Moon 13. Even if it’s for herself.  
> There’s got to be more to the Satellite that we don’t see. After sleeping in one of the spare rooms, Joel’s sleeping in room 3 in the countdown, where Jonah used to occupy, but no longer can.  
> So Joel’s in touch with Mike. Or is he?  
> Yeah, during this flashback and Jonah’s nightmare, everything described happens during oxygen deprivation.  
> What has or hasn’t Kinga done? And what has she got planned for Jonah? Who from Moon 13 told Crow how to do CPR?  
> I love CPR. Everyone should learn it. The very idea of it is that if it works, you’ve raised the dead. I wanted to put that point forward here.  
> Will Jonah make it back to the Satellite Of Love or will-nah I’m not going to even bother with that one, of course he makes it back. Or rather, Kinga will dump him back there.


	5. Are You Going to Make Those Pancakes?

Mike was sat at home watching the Packers game when he realised that he hadn’t heard anything from Joel in a few days. He knew that Joel was taking the loss of his bots pretty hard and for him not to text or bitch on Facebook, WhatsApp, Twitter or Snapchat about it was uncharacteristic. It just wasn’t like him. 

He picked up his phone and opened Snapchat. He took a selfie watching the game with the reindeer filter and captioned it; **Lions vs Vikings, Packers vs Jets, who wins?** before sending it to Joel. 

Ten minutes passed without a reply, so Mike opened up Facebook. The last time he’d sent a message to Joel had been only a few days ago. But Joel hadn’t seen it. On Twitter, it was a similar story; his last Tweet had been on the 17th. It was the 22nd now. That struck Mike as a bit odd, so he called Joel on his phone. 

“ _Hey, you’ve reached Joel Robinson. I’m not here right now, but if you leave a message, I’ll get right back to you! Have a great day_!”

Mike grunted in frustration and hung up before trying again. 

“ _Hey, you’ve reached Joel Robinson. I’m not here right now_ -“

He hung up again. Maybe he was being overly dramatic. Maybe Joel was just in the shower or something and didn’t have his phone on him. 

“Alright. Relax, Mike, relax.” He told himself as he wandered into the kitchen to get himself a beer. “What’s the worst that could have happened?” 

There were a few ‘worst things’, but Mike did his best to put them out of his head. He twisted the cap off his beer and took a long gulp, setting the bottle down on the kitchen counter. He took out his phone and called Joel again, only to get the same answer message.

“ _Hey, you’ve reached Joel Rob_ -“

Mike hung up and instead, dialled Joel’s home number, rather than his cell. Ringing. Ringing. More ringing. Mike picked up his beer and walked back to the living room. 

“ _Hello?_ ” Joel’s voice.

“Oh my god, Joel, you had me so-“

“ _Just kidding, I’m actually not here right now. So leave a message for Joel Robinson, Crow T Robot or Tom Servo at the beep._ ”

Right. Joel wasn’t there. He could still be taking a shower. But Mike highly doubted it at that moment. Could he report Joel to the police as a missing person?

Mike turned the game off-he was too concerned about his friend to care about it-besides, the Packers were winning. He had a few theories as to Joel’s disappearance.

1) Joel died and nobody told Mike. 2) Joel got into some horrible accident and nobody told Mike. 3) He finally went to find his bots. 4) The same person who kidnapped the bots went back to kidnap Joel. 

If it was the last one, he had to get Joel and the bots back. But how would he do that and what if they came for him next?

* * *

Joel found himself unable to sleep, even in the hammock. He wandered out on the bridge in one of Jonah’s much too big jumpsuits that he’d been using as pyjamas and was surprised to find the little orange and white robot, M. Waverly, sitting on the desk and talking to Cambot.

“I’m not interrupting anything, am I?” Joel asked. 

“Why are you wearing Jonah’s jumpsuit?” M. Waverly asked. 

“No reason, M. Waverly. Just I don’t have pyjamas is all.” 

“ _That’s_ a _reason_.” M. Waverly pointed out. 

Cambot whirred in agreement with M. Waverly. 

“Jeez guys, it’s...” Joel looked down at his watch, “half one in the morning. Give me a break.”

Cambot beeped. 

“Apology accepted, Cambot.” Joel said with a yawn. 

“So, Joel Robinson, what brings you to the bridge?” M. Waverly asked. 

“Can’t sleep.” Joel replied. 

“It used to take Jonah ages to get to sleep too.” M. Waverly said. “Now he can barely stay awake.”

“Yeah, so I’ve heard.” 

“He still screams a lot though. So that hasn’t changed.”

“You know, I’m very sorry that you had to see what you did when Kinga...” Joel trailed off. 

“Oh. _Oh_.” 

“Yeah.” 

“That.” M. Waverly said. “I... try and put it out of my mind. Not to dwell on it. Tom doesn’t like that I’m trying to carry on like it all was before. I mean, I know it isn’t. But I don’t know what else to do.” 

Joel sighed. He didn’t know what to say that could be of any comfort to the little robot. He didn't know if anything even would. Just like he was a father to Tommy, Gypsum, Crow and Cambot, Jonah was a father to M. Waverly and the weirdly outgoing Growler. But he did know that he wouldn’t know about any other test subject of Kinga’s, so he decided not to broach that subject with him. 

“It was supposed to be _my_ turn to watch him tonight.” 

“You should go and get some sleep.” Joel said. “Since he’s not here.” 

“I can’t sleep either.”

Of course he couldn’t. “Well, I’m going to and get a hot chocolate or something. Do you want to come?”

“Jonah doesn’t drink hot chocolate.” M. Waverly said. “He’d spill it.” 

“Well here _has_ to be something.” Joel said. 

“Lots of pancake mix.” 

“Then let’s have pancakes.” 

“Can _you_ make pancakes? Only Crow knows how to make pancakes.”

“I can make pancakes.” Joel said. “But do you mind if I have a moment alone with Cambot first?” 

“Oh. Yeah, sure.” M. Waverly slid himself off the desk. 

Joel made sure M. Waverly was gone before asking Cambot for his request. He wasn’t sure that the little robot would be able to handle what he was going to ask.

“Cambot.” 

Cambot beeped in response. 

“Do you know what Reptilicus Metallicus is?” He asked. He’d seen it in Jonah’s writings a few times. If it happened on the SOL, Cambot would probably know about it.

Cambot whirred and began to play some footage. 

_“Jonah, I’m confused.” Servo said._

_“What’s your deal, why don’t you shave?” Crow asked._

_Jonah frowned. “What?!”_

_“Ha, yeah yeah that too. But I thought giant monsters came from Japan, not Denmark.” Servo said._

_“Well Asia clearly has the most monster credibility.” Jonah lifted up what looked like a sheet of plywood with a map of the world on it. “But there”s a beautifully diverse array of global monsters all over the planet.” He smiled at the bots as he pointed around the map._

“Alright, Cambot, that’s enough of that.” Joel said. 

Cambot beeped in acknowledgement.

“So Reptilicus Metallicus is a B movie monster? From Denmark?”

“No, that’s just Reptilicus.” Servo’s voice came out of nowhere and startled Joel, who nearly jumped a foot in the air. 

“Jeez, Tommy, don’t do that!” Joel said, clutching his chest. 

“Oh yeah, you’re old now. You could have a heart attack.” 

“I’m not _that_ old, Tom.” Joel said. 

“Sure you are, you’re sixty.” 

“There’s a couple of months before I turn sixty. I’m fifty-nine.” Joel took a breath as he realised what Servo had said that startled him. “Tom. You know what Reptilicus Metallicus is.”

“I sure do. It’s the robot dragon monster that lives down on Moon 13 and ate Jonah.” Servo said. 

“It _ate_ Jonah?!” Holy crap, Jonah really caught the short end of the stick. Compared to him, Joel was treated quite cushy by Dr F. So how was Kinga going to treat him?

“Yeah, I told you this when you first got here.”

“I think I was too much in shock at being here again to take anything really in, Tom.” Joel said. “And hoping that this was a nightmare.” 

“It’s not a nightmare.” 

“Wait, why are you awake?” 

“Can’t sleep.” Servo replied. “Everyone on here’s got trouble sleeping.”

“So I can tell.” Joel sighed. 

“It’s weird not to hear Jonah’s screaming.” 

“You really like this Jonah guy, don’t you?” 

“What? Pfft. No.” Servo shook his head. “No, he’s just a guy we live with. But now you’re back, Joel. You’re back and you can fix everything. You can get us back to Earth again.” 

“I... don’t think I can.” Joel said. “I’ll try. But I don’t think I can.” 

“I knew you couldn’t fix it anyway, Joel.” Servo said. “Jonah’s really messed up now. More messed up than Mike ever was.”

“I know what you saw that day, Tom.” Joel said. “And I’m really sorry.”

“Eh. It’s not the first time.” Servo said, trying to put on an air of bravado. There was a reason he didn’t talk about it, but Joel had to drag it back up. But... how was Joel to have known.

“Come on, I’m making pancakes for M. Waverly in the kitchen.”

“I want some pancakes too, Joel.” Servo said. 

“Well I was going to ask you if you wanted any.” 

“Yes please.”

Joel chuckled. “Then come on. You too, Cambot.”

Cambot whirred excitedly.

“You know, Jonah’s got a crush on a B movie monster wrangler.” Servo said as they went down the numbered hallway together.

“Really? You don’t say.” That actually amused Joel. Of course the little red robot would know about people’s personal lives. 

“Yeah, Kinga sent us all to Earth for a tour-“

“What? Why?” Joel asked. “Why didn’t you escape?” 

“Boneheads with cattle prods.” Servo said. “Oh and Synthia. Jonah tried to escape a few times, but Synthia just wouldn’t allow it.” 

“Who is Synthia? I’ve heard a lot about her.” 

“Dr F’s mother’s clone.” Servo said nonchalantly. 

“... Right.” Part of Joel had forgotten just how weird life could get up on the Satellite Of Love. The clone thing must have been why Synthia’s voice sounded familiar. He’d never actually met Dr F’s mother, but he’d heard her voice more than a few times when she called in on him at Gizmonic and Deep 13. He knew enough about her that the mere mention was enough to turn Dr F into a quivering mess.

“So are you going to make those pancakes?” Servo asked as they approached door four, the kitchen. 

Cambot whirred and beeped in agreement with Servo. 

“Alright, boys, alright.” Joel said. 

However, in the kitchen waiting for him was not only M. Waverly, but Gypsum and Growler. 

“What...” 

“Oh hey.” Growler waved. “I heard something about pancakes.”

Joel nodded. “And you wanted some?” He looked over at Gypsum. “And you, Gyps? What about Crow?”

“Crow’s sleeping.” Gypsum replied. “And he’s only one of us who is.”

“Right. So you all want pancakes?” Joel asked. 

“Yeah, and don’t worry about the hot plate. M. Waverly already turned it on.” Gypsum said. 

Joel did a quick headcount (five bots and one man) and dug in the cupboards for pancake mix. “Great. We’re having breakfast at two in the morning.”

“More like a midnight snack.” Servo said. “Or a two hours after midnight snack.” 

“Does time even exist up in space?” M. Waverly asked. 

“Hey yeah, Joel, does time exist on the SOL, if the sun doesn’t rise or set?” 

“Time exists up here.” Joel said, carefully measuring the pancake mix. “I wear a watch for a reason.” 

“How do you know when to sleep though?” 

“I don’t know, Tom, it’s too early for you to be asking questions I can’t answer when my brain isn’t working at full capacity.” Joel said.

“Besides, Tom, you _know_ full well that I maintain the satellite to match Joel’s and Mike’s and Jonah’s sleep-wake cycles.” Gypsum said. 

“Thanks, Gyps.” Joel reached out to pat Gypsum, forgetting that she was rigged on the ceiling now. He was so used to her being on the floor, so he ended up patting the thin air.

“Joel, the pancakes.” M. Waverly pointed to the pancakes that Joel wasn’t paying attention to. 

“Yep. Don’t worry about it, Waverly, I got it.” Joel grabbed the nearby spatula and flipped the pancake over. 

“You think Crow will notice you’re making pancakes?” Servo asked. 

“I don’t think so. He’s pretty out of it.” Gypsum said. “It’s for the best really. He hasn’t had a good night’s sleep since August.” 

“I know.” Joel said. “But I don’t think any of you have had a good night’s sleep since then.”

Crow walked into the kitchen. “I smelled pancakes.” 

“We need to _really_ work on sleeping.” Joel said. “But you’re welcome to join us, Crow.” 

“Yay! Night pancakes!” Crow cheered. 

* * *

The next morning, Kinga called up, despite it not being an Experiment Day, which surprised Joel and the bots. 

“Where’s Jonah?” Crow demanded. 

“Being disposed of.” Kinga replied. “He’s of no use to my experiment anymore.”

“So you’re just going to discard him like an unwanted Christmas present?” Joel asked. “Kinga, he’s the only other person here, besides you and Max-“

“There’s also Ardy, but go on.” Kinga said. 

“You’re _way_ more insane than your father ever was.” Joel said. 

Kings smiled happily. “Thank you.” She said. 

“I didn’t mean that as a compliment.” Joel put his hands on the desk and tried his best to lean forward authoritatively, but adjusted his glasses first. “Kinga. What did you do with Jonah?” 

“What _did_ I do with Jonah?” Kinga said. 

“This isn’t a game.” Joel said. “I know you had a previous test subject. And I know you killed them.” 

“Wait, what?” Crow turned to Joel.

“Seriously?” Servo asked.

“I didn’t kill _anyone_.” Kinga said nervously. “Pfft what are you talking about?!”

“ _KINGA_!” Joel shouted. 

The bots jumped back. Joel hardly ever lost his temper, but when he did, it was unnerving. 

“I’ll just get Cambot to show me, shall I?” Joel asked. 

“No!” Kinga blurted out. 

“Then are you going to tell me?” Joel asked. “You’ve trapped me back on the Satellite Of Love and I’d like to know why.”

“You know why.” Kinga said. “Jonah broke so I caught you on Earth, drugged you and put you up there.”

“You... _drugged_ me?” Joel was furious. And his fury was entirely justified. “Kinga, I have a _life_ down on Earth. Friends. My own business-you think Mike’s not going to notice I’m gone, huh? He noticed the bots were gone, so he’s going to notice that he can’t call my iPhone.”

“What do you want, Joel Robinson?” 

“You _know_ what I want, Kinga Forrester.” Joel said. “Who did you kill before Jonah?” 

“Yeah, tell him!” Crow shouted. 

“Tell _us_!” Servo said. 

“I didn’t kill anyone.” Kinga said. “I disposed of him.”

“You shut off his oxygen, Kinga.” Joel said. “Cambot showed me what Max said.” 

“He’s still alive.” Kinga said.

“Is he... is he living like Jonah?” Servo asked.

“No.” Kinga said. “Perfectly healthy in the brain. And that’s all I’m willing to say.” 

“Alright.” Joel was satisfied for now, he would have to get the rest of his answers another way. “Send Jonah back up here.” 

“Why?” Kinga asked. “He’s defective.” 

“I can fix him.” Joel said. 

“You said you couldn’t-“

“Crow.” Joel said firmly. 

Crow closed his beak. 

“You can’t fix him, Robinson, we both know that.” Kinga said. 

“He deserves to be happy.” Joel said. “He can be happy on Earth or he can be happy up here. There’s no need to feed him to that robot dragon thing again.”

“That was Max.” Kinga said quickly. 

“That was horrible.” Crow said.

“Don’t dispose of him, Kinga.” Joel said. “Just send him back to the Satellite.” 

“Fine.” Kinga snarled. “And don’t think of getting rid of him to Earth. There’s no escape capsule hidden in a box of Hamdingers this time.” 

“Wait, what?” Joel asked. 

“Hope you enjoy him.” The jetscreen turned dark. 

“Kinga _killed_ someone?” Crow asked. “Oh man, that’s news to me.” 

“Yeah, the only person Dr F ever killed was _Frank_ and even he came back.” Servo said.

“Well, until he _didn’t_.” Crow added.

“Joel, I understand how you’re feeling.” Gypsum said. “Kinga kidnapped me away from my business and my life on Earth as well. But we’ll get through it.”

Joel nodded as a familiar black tube descended from the ceiling, dumping Jonah out. 

Gypsum picked him up off the floor with her coils. “Hey, Jonah.” She greeted. “Welcome back to the SOL.”

Jonah realised that Gypsum was talking to him, he was away from Moon 13 and safe-for now-from Kinga, and threw his arms around her big purple head. “Missed you.” He said in his usual slur. 

“I missed you too.” Gypsum said. “We all did, right boys?” 

“Oh yeah, we sure did.” Crow said. 

Cambot whirred and bobbed up and down. 

“Absolutely. Not that we didn’t like it without all the screaming-“

“Tom! Be nice.” Joel said. “Look at him-he’s practically a toddler-“

Gypsum and Crow both gasped like they couldn’t believe what had just been said and Cambot beeped in offence. 

“Oh boy.” Servo muttered. 

“What?” 

“Joel... he’s not a toddler. He’s a thirty six year old man-“

“Th’ sev’n.” Jonah said. 

“Thirty seven.” Gypsum corrected herself. “He’s still got his intelligence and even if he didn’t, he’s still an adult. Why treat him like a kid?” 

“Yeah, why do people do that?” Crow asked. “Treat adults with learning disabilities like they’re kids? Like sure, treat the kids like kids, but the adults like adults?” 

“How can a grown thirty seven year old man with a beard have the brain of a toddler anyway, Joel?” Servo asked. 

Joel hadn’t really thought about it before. He supposed the bots were right. But when everyone talked that way, how was he supposed to know it was wrong? He couldn’t even begin to count the amount of times he’d heard stuff like that being said in those crappy medical dramas like ER and General Hospital. Or on the news whenever an adult with intellectual disabilities or autism went missing.

“Oh, I suppose they could though.” Crow said, snapping Joel from his thoughts. “If they cut it out and carried it around everywhere in a Petri dish like Brain Guy.”

“Haha, yeah, eew.” Servo agreed. “But wouldn’t that be murder?” 

“Not if the toddler was already dead.” 

“I can’t believe you’re discussing this.” Gypsum said.

Jonah nodded in agreement. “Food.” He said. 

“You’re hungry? Alright. Let’s get you something to eat. I can’t imagine Kinga had you eating all that much, did she?” 

Jonah shook his head. 

It almost amazed Joel that Gypsum and Jonah were having a normal-ish conversation. As he watched them, he realised that all of his preconceived notions were wrong. Jonah’s talent, his intellect, his skills-they were all still there. They hadn’t gone at all. He could, for the most part, make himself understood by the bots. Was he just seeing what Jonah _couldn’t_ do, rather than what he _could_ do? Could Jonah still make an Invention Exchange? Since he was marooned in space with the guy, he had to learn sooner, rather than later, just what Jonah was still capable of. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those of you keeping track at home, the date is December 23rd 2019. It’s almost Christmas.  
> Yeah, I know the Lions and the Vikings and the Packers and the Jets are playing this year, but hey, it’s just a fic.  
> A bit of Joel and M. Waverly bonding.  
> A throwback to Jonah’s first episode as host, right before Every Country Has a Monster.  
> Night pancakes. A favourite midnight snack.  
> It always unnerves me when Joel loses his temper. But he’s perfectly justified in how secretive Kinga’s being-also she drugged him.  
> Poor Jonah. Getting treated like a child. He’s not a child. Just because he has trouble eating, peeing and walking, doesn’t take away from the fact that he’s still an adult. As someone with developmental disabilities, this is something I get a lot. Oh I’ve got the mind of a twelve year old in an adult body-no, I’ve got the mind of a 25 year old in a 25 year old body. I’m autistic, not twelve. So the ‘mental age’ thing had to come up here. Because all Joel knows about Jonah before the accident is what he’s seen in the labs and projected from Cambot. As much as he doesn’t want to admit it, he has his prejudices, and while it’s not ‘bad’, it can be harmful. He just doesn’t know better. But he will.  
> I’m just going to say it right now, the person Joel is looking for is Matt Claude Van Damme.  
> And will Brain Guy, Bobo and Pearl show up? Maybe. Who knows yet. Well, I do. Expect to see them soon. Or not. You don’t know that.


	6. Christmas Eve Eve Isn’t A Thing

“ _Open up your heart and let the Patrick Swayze Christmas in-_ “

Joel’s eyes snapped open. He’d been taking an afternoon nap in the hammock, having not slept all night, when Crow started singing as he walked through the bedroom carrying a box of Christmas decorations. 

“Crow, honey, you mind not singing so loud?” Joel asked, 

“ _We’ll gather at the Road House with our next of kin_!” Crow sang louder. 

“Crow!” Joel said loudly over Crow’s singing. 

“What?” Crow said. “I’m only singing, Joel. It’s Christmas Eve Eve and we haven’t decorated the Satellite Of Love yet. Forgive me for wanting to get in the Christmas spirit.” 

“Christmas Eve Eve isn’t a thing, Crow.” Joel said. 

“Sure it is. It’s December 23rd.” Crow said. “Tomorrow is Christmas Eve for real.” 

“I didn’t get you anything.” 

“I didn’t get you anything either.” Crow said. “I was fully expecting never to see you again in my life. After all, you are _old_ now.”

“Thanks.” Joel said dryly. “Everyone keeps pointing that one out too.” 

Servo hovered through the room. “ _Open up your heart and_ -Oh. Hey, Crow. Joel.” 

“Well, _I’m_ not getting any sleep.” Joel swung his legs out of the hammock and lowered himself down to the floor. “Might as well get up then.” 

“Sorry for waking you up, Joel.” Crow said. 

“You’re not sorry and that’s okay.” Joel said. 

“You know, you could really do with a shower. Or a new jumpsuit.” Crow said. “You know you can’t keep wearing Jonah’s as pyjamas. He goes to the bathroom in those things.” 

“What? Number two?” 

“Oh sure.” Crow said. “Sometimes I regret that you put smell sensors in me.” 

“Gee, I’m sorry Crow.”

“Also, your last name isn’t Heston. It’s Robinson.” Crow paused. “Hey, have you ever noticed that your last name ends in ‘o-n’, Jonah’s last name ends in ‘o-n’ and Mike’s name ends in ‘o-n’?”

“Can’t say I have, Crow.” Joel said. 

“Why do Servo and I have last names, but Gypsum and Cambot don’t?” 

“Because you do.” Joel said. “There’s no profound reason.”

“Why do _you_ have a last name, Joel?” 

“My father’s last name was Robinson and his father’s last name was Robinson and so on down the line until there was a guy called Robin and around the time they invented last names, his son needed a last name, so it became Robinson.”

“Really?” 

“I don’t know. But it sounds right.” 

“Why’s Jonah’s last name Heston?” 

“Because his father was Charlton Heston.” 

“Really?”

“No.” Joel said. “Charlton Heston isn’t the only man out there with that last name.”

“Oh.”

“So what do you want for Christmas, Crow?” 

“To decide who lives and who dies.” 

Joel inhaled deeply. “You already have though.” He said. “Cambot showed me what happened when... he showed me Jonah’s accident.” 

“Oh.” 

“I’m actually very proud of you, Crow.” Joel put his hand on the gold bot. “You managed to raise the dead. Not many people can say they’ve done that.” 

“I-I raised the dead?” Crow asked incredulously. “Oh my god, yeah, I did, didn’t I?! I raised the dead!” He chuckled. More like a cackle. “I bring life! I bring death! I am the _Decider_! Worship me, for I am the god of the Satellite Of Love!”

Joel’s lower jaw dropped. He didn’t quite know what to say. In trying to cheer Crow up, he’d started... well, he’d started _this_. 

Crow dropped the box full of tinsel. “I should team up with Mike-Mike Nelson, Destroyer of Worlds and Crow T. Robot, Decider of Life!” He turned to Joel. “Oh thank you, Joel, this is going to be the best Christmas ever!”

Crow ran off, leaving Joel standing there, wondering exactly what had just happened. 

Servo hovered through, dragging a Christmas tree behind him. 

“Do you need some help with that, Tom?” Joel asked. 

“No, I’ve got it.” Servo said. 

“Are you sure?” 

“I’m sure.” 

“ _Open up your heart and let the_ -Oh hey.” M. Waverly stopped in front of Joel and Servo in the laundry room. 

“How do _you_ know the Patrick Swayze Christmas song?” Joel asked. 

“Crow.” Servo said. “He still busts it out every Christmas.” 

“Oh god.” Joel shook his head. 

“Well, not just at Christmas. So what’s everyone doing?” M. Waverly asked. 

“Decorating for Christmas.” Servo said. “It’s in a few days. I didn’t get you anything, sorry.” 

“Yeah, I didn’t get you anything either.” Joel said. “I was busy... not knowing you...* _ahem_ * existed.” He said awkwardly. 

Servo hovered through the doors to the bridge. “Nobody got anyone anything, I don’t think, though. Been too busy with Jonah.” 

“Where is Jonah?” Joel asked. 

“In his room.” M. Waverly said. 

Joel stepped out onto the bridge to see tinsel and lights adoring the walls and the desk. A fibre optic miniature tree sat on one side of the desk while a snow globe with Santa in it sat on the other side. It looked surprisingly festive. 

“Wow, boys. Gyps. It looks great.” Joel said. 

“Like we can’t put up decorations.” Crow said. “I put decorations up every December for five hundred years while everyone else was a ball of pure energy-“

“Wait, what?” Crow hadn’t told Joel this story before. 

“Uh, never mind.” Crow looked around. “What do you think so far, Joel?” 

“It looks like Christmas.” Joel said. 

“Now all we need to do is put the tree up and the wreath and we’re all set.” Servo said. 

“Can _I_ put the wreath up?” M. Waverly asked. 

“You’re too small.” Servo said. 

“Tom Servo, you’re small too.” Joel said. “Let him put the wreath up if he wants-“

“Joel, Joel, Joel.” Servo shook his head. “I can fly. Waverly cannot.” 

“Were you going to let _me_ help?” Joel asked. 

“To be honest, we were hoping to have it done as a surprise for you and Jonah.” Gypsum said. 

“Wait, who’s watching over Jonah?” Crow asked. 

“Growler said he’d do it.” Servo said.

“Oh so _that’s_ why he’s not here.” Crow said.

“Yeah, he’s covering for me.” Servo added.

“Who _hasn’t_ covered for you at this point?” Crow muttered.

“Shut up, Crow.”

“No, I’m gonna just come out and say it, you have been avoiding Jonah and leaving me and Gypsum and Growler and Waverly to pick up the slack!” Crow said loudly. “That’s why we haven’t been able to put the Christmas stuff up earlier!”

“Boys, it’s almost Christmas. Stop fighting!” Joel said desperately. He’d heard them bickering ever since he’d got on the Satellite. It had never been this bad before.

“You wanna know why I won’t go near Jonah?” Servo asked. “You really wanna know?”

“I’d love to!”

“I’m ashamed!” Servo shouted. Everyone stopped what they were doing and looked at Servo. 

“I’m ashamed, okay?” He said in a much more quiet voice. “I know what it means for Jonah. He’s broken and he won’t be repaired like we can be. He’s always going to walk funny, move funny and talk funny. And I couldn’t do anything to help him when he was dying.” He paused. “I know I couldn’t do anything to make him breathe again, but I-I froze up. And that _is_ my fault.”

“Tom Servo, I had no idea _you_ were the one carrying around this guilt.” Joel said. “I thought it was Gyps-“

“I don’t feel any guilt.” Gypsum said. “I just know that it’s my fault. If only I could have rerouted the oxygen quicker-“

“Gyps,” Joel stroked Gypsum’s head, “honey, it’s not your fault either. It’s _Kinga’s_ fault. You shouldn’t feel guilty. Look, all of you did the best you could, given the circumstances.”

“But you just seem so angry now, Joel.” Crow said.

“I’m not angry, Crow.” Joel said. “I’m... pissed off. I have a life back home that I’m desperate to get back to. But I can’t. Because I’ve been kidnapped. _Again_. And if I _am_ angry at anyone, it’s at Kinga.” 

“I don’t know how I feel. I hate Kinga, but Growler and I wouldn’t exist if it wasn’t for her.” M. Waverly said. 

“And that’s fine too, M. Waverly.” Joel said. “Cambot, Gypsum, Crow and Servo wouldn’t exist if it wasn’t for her father.”

“Yeah and we hated him.” Crow said. “Sending us all them Gamera movies.”

“And the _rest_ of the Sandy Frank collection.” Servo added. “Just be grateful you haven’t seen any of _those_ yet. After all, I’m sure there are a few Gamera movies sitting unriffed somewhere.”

Crow took that as his opportunity to sing. “ _Sandy Frank! Sandy Frank_!”

“ _He’s the source of all our pain_!” Servo sang along. 

Joel let out a little chuckle, but disguised it as a cough. “Alright, boys, alright.”

“Come on, Joel.” Crow said. “Lighten up a little.”

“I’m not singing the Sandy Frank song.” Joel said. 

“Why not?” Servo asked. 

“Yeah, we taught it to Jonah.” Crow said. 

“ _Sandy Frank! Sandy Frank!_

_Gads about the house all day_!” M. Waverly sang. 

“And M. Waverly.” Joel added. 

“ _Sandy Frank! Sandy Frank!_

_Thinks that people come from trees_!” Gypsum sang. 

“ _Sandy Frank! Sandy Frank_!” Crow, Gypsum and M Waverly sang.

“ _Gets horrid movies from Japan_!” Servo sang. 

“Alright, no more.” Joel was trying so hard not to laugh at this point. He’d almost forgotten about the Sandy Frank Song, since he hadn’t seen a Sandy Frank movie in almost thirty years and never by choice.

“ _Sandy Frank! Sandy Frank_!” Servo sang. 

“ _Films are always poorly dubbed_!” Crow shouted. 

“ _Sandy Frank! Sandy Frank_!” The robots sang and all looked to Joel, expecting him to sing the last part. 

Joel sighed. “Spielberg won’t return his calls.” He said with a wry smile.

“Yay!” Crow cheered. “Now you’re getting it, Joel!”

“You can’t say you didn’t miss this.” Servo said. 

“Even if I did, I have no interest in doing it all over again.” Joel said. 

“Joel...” Crow began. “Do you think Mike knows you’re gone?” 

Joel sighed. “I don’t know, Crow. I _hope_ he knows.”

“Who’s Mike?” M. Waverly asked. 

“A friend.” Gypsum said. 

“One of my best friends.” Joel said. “And another former captive of the Satellite Of Love.” 

“How many of you were there?” M. Waverly asked. 

“Just Joel, Mike and Jonah.” Gypsum said. 

“Actually, there was another, Gyps.” Joel said. “Kinga quote-unquote ‘disposed of him’.”

“Oh wow.” Gypsum said. “Would Cambot know who it is?” 

“I tried asking him.” Joel said. “All I saw was a few seconds of footage with a guy in a purple jumpsuit alongside Crow and Tom. He _does_ exist, Gyps.” 

“Do you think he was...” Gypsum closed her jaw. What could she say about Kinga’s depravity? She knew what Kinga would have done with him. She knew _exactly_ what Kinga would have done with him. Forced him to reenact his own kidnapping every week and then six times in one day after almost killing him. Cattle prod him. Shock him. _Suffocate_ him. 

“I don’t know _what_ happened to him, that’s what I’m trying to find out.” Joel said. 

“Could we try finding out?” Crow asked. 

“Yeah, two heads are better than one.” Servo said. 

“Ooh can you install another head on me for Christmas, Joel?” Crow asked. “That can be my present this year.” 

“No, Crow, I’m not doing that.” Joel said. “The saying isn’t about having two heads on one body. But you are welcome to help look for the mystery guy. Just don’t say anything about him to Kinga because I don’t think we’re supposed to know about him.”

“I had no idea there was anyone else.” Gypsum said. 

“I didn’t either.” Joel said. “I just watched the footage of Jonah’s... accident, and noticed Max saying something like ‘you’ve done this before-“

”Oh yeah, she cut Jonah’s oxygen off before when he refused to go into the theater.” Servo said. 

“What.” Joel inhaled sharply. 

“To be fair, we _were_ watching Plan 9 From Outer Space.” Servo shook his head. “So unwatchable.” 

“That was before she cattle prodded him.” Crow added. 

“Cattle prod.” Joel repeated. “Geez. How depraved _is_ Kinga?” He asked. 

“Extremely.” M. Waverly said. “She’s unreasonably cruel. She forced us to watch Atlantic Rim.” 

Joel pulled a face. “Eugh.”

”I know, right?” Crow said. “Dr F and Pearl were never this evil to you and Mike.”

“Joel... _will_ Mike come for us?” Servo asked. 

“I don’t know, Tom.” Joel said. “If he can find a way, he probably would. But he’d have to know about Kinga, that we were on the SOL and that the SOL was orbiting the Moon now.” 

“He won’t find us, Servo.” Crow said. “It’s been four years now since we got back into the MST3K program. If he hasn’t found us by now-“

“Were _you_ looking for us, Joel?” Servo asked. 

“What kind of silly question-of _course_ I did, Tom Servo.” Joel said. “You’re my robots. And don’t get me wrong, I am _so_ glad to be back with you. I just hate that it’s... _here_.”

An awkward silence fell upon the bridge. 

Jonah emerged onto the bridge, carefully looking down at his feet and their jerking motions as he tried to take a step. He almost fell when one of his legs jerked from under him, but he was caught and steadied by Joel. 

Jonah simply nodded as if to say ‘thank you’, clearly embarrassed that he stumbled. He didn’t like that he needed help to do the simplest of things. And he didn’t like that Joel had called him ‘practically a toddler’ earlier on. Biggest case of ‘never meet your heroes’ that Jonah had ever experienced. 

Jonah put his hand on the desk, keeping himself steady, and looked around the bridge. Lights and tinsel everywhere. He hadn’t been told the date, so he could only assume it was Christmas or nearby. His shoulders dropped. He’d missed Turkey Day. And Halloween. And nobody’d told him. 

He tried to say ‘it’s Christmas’ but it came out as garbled nonsense. He hated how he talked now. Hated it. He always sounded like he’d had a few too many. That was when he remembered words at all. 

“What?” Crow asked. 

“It C’ushuhmuss.” Jonah winced. 

“Yep. Sure is. Christmas Eve Eve.” Crow said. 

Jonah was grateful that the bots never made anything of his lack of speech fluency, his always forgetting words, his lack of understanding of words-they would always have to repeat and repeat and repeat and he still wouldn’t get it. But there was Joel who had called him ‘like a toddler’ earlier. Though Jonah didn’t fully understand what that meant, he knew it was bad by the bots’ reaction and now he was totally self conscious. 

“Now, Crow, that’s not a thing.” Joel said. 

“Sure it is.” Crow said. “It’s a thing in that that thing is today.” 

“Thing.” Jonah said with a nod. “Now.” 

“Thank you, Jonah.” Crow said happily. “Even Jonah says it’s a thing.”

”Oh well... I don’t know.” Joel pushed his glasses up his nose. 

“Jonah, Christmas Eve Eve is a thing, isn’t it?” 

Jonah paused as he thought about Crow’s words. It was Christmas. Eve? Who was Eve? There were no other women he knew here other than Gypsum, Kinga, that weird blonde lady and Kinga’s doctor. Were one of them Eve?

”Eve... who?” Jonah asked. 

“Christmas.” Crow said. “The night before.”

”Now?” Jonah asked. He hadn’t realised it was so close to Christmas. 

“Tomorrow.” Crow said, pointing ahead. 

“C’ish’muss... mor’osoon?” 

“It sure is, Jonah.” Servo said. 

Jonah nodded happily. 

“What the heck?” Joel simply frowned. He didn’t understand Jonah’s new way of speaking, but the bots clearly did. “What did he say?” 

“Is Christmas the day after tomorrow.” Gypsum translated.

”How did you get all that from what Jonah said?” 

“You learn to understand him.” M. Waverly said. 

“It’s easier for _us_ to understand _him_ than to force _him_ to understand _us_.” Gypsum said. “But we do try and teach him words again.”

”You mean _you_ do.” Crow said. 

Joel nodded. That made sense, of course it did. “That’s good.” He said. “Maybe I can understand him too.” 

Growler was on the bridge now too. “It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas.” He said.

”Of course _you’d_ be the one to say that.” Crow muttered. 

“Be nice, Crow, it’s almost Christmas.” Joel admonished.

”So in the spirit of Christmas, we should sing a traditional Satellite Of Love Christmas song.” Crow said. 

“You know the drill, Growler.” Servo said. 

“ _Open up your heart and let the Patrick Swayze Christmas in_ ” Growler sang as he started playing the piano.

“ _We’ll gather at the Road House with our next of kin_ ” Servo sang. 

“ _Santa can be our regular Saturday night thing_ ” M. Waverly joined in. 

Of course Crow had taught Growler how to play Patrick Swayze Christmas on the piano. 

“ _We’ll decorate a bar stool and gather ‘round and sing_ ” Oh not Gypsum too. 

“ _Le’ss Pa’ack Sways C’ush’muss year_ ” Jonah got through as best he could. 

“ _Or we’ll rip your throat out and kick you in the ear_ -“ 

“Crow!” Joel’s voice stopped the singing and piano playing. 

“What?” 

“You _know_ , what.” Joel said. 

“Forgive me for being happy and merry, Joel Robinson.” Crow said. “At least I wasn’t singing about murdering Canadians.” 

“Who sang about _that_?” 

Everyone pointed to Servo, who raised his hand. 

“Me.” 

“I don’t even want to know at this point.” Joel said. 

“Anyway, Crow, the throats you were singing about ripping out, might have been Canadian throats.” Servo pointed out. “Therefore, you _were_ singing about murdering Canadians.”

“Okay, I never explicitly made a song up about how I wanted to blow up Prince Edward Island, bomb Ontario and destroy all of Canada and it’s culture.” Crow said. 

“I’m going back to bed.” Joel said. 

“Me too.” Jonah said. 

“Who’ll help me put up this tree, then? Servo asked.

“I’ll do it.” Growler said. “I don’t mind.”

“We could rip your head off and you wouldn’t mind.” Crow muttered.

“Don’t rip his head off, Crow.” Joel said as he walked back through the numbered hallway and disappeared out of view. 

“Come on, Jonah. It’s about time you went to the bathroom.” Gypsum said. 

That was another thing Jonah hated. Having to be told when to use the bathroom because he couldn’t tell when he needed to go anymore. He simply nodded and Gypsum wrapped her coils around him and helped him walk off the bridge, leaving Servo, Crow, Growler and M. Waverly alone. 

“Do you know any Christmas music?” Servo asked. “Other than Let’s Have A Patrick Swayze Christmas? No offence, Crow.”

“None taken, Servo.” Crow said. “In fact, in the spirit of Christmas, I’ve written a new song.” 

“You have?” M. Waverly asked. 

“It’s called All I Want For Christmas is Kinga.” Crow said. 

“Is that just Mariah Carey’s All I Want For Christmas is You but with Kinga’s name in it?” Servo asked. 

“You didn’t let me finish-All I Want For Christmas is Kinga Not to Send Us Bad Movies.” 

“Oh. Can’t wait not to hear it.” Servo said. 

“Oh you’ll hear it alright.” Crow muttered. “Let’s put up the tree.” 

* * *

Mike had been to Joel’s house often enough, he knew where it was. He’d wrapped up warmly before leaving his own apartment because after all, the temperature was well below freezing. It was sunny. But it was very, _very_ cold. The cold was stinging all of Mike’s exposed skin, mainly that on his face. 

As he walked down the snow covered path to Joel’s house, it became obvious that his neighbours had shovelled their snow away, but Joel hadn’t. A further indication of him not being in. And that alone set alarm bells ringing in Mike’s mind.

Mike came to a stop on Joel’s doorstep and knocked on the door. No answer. So he knocked again. “Joel? You there?” He opened the letterbox and crouched down to look inside. “It’s me, Mike.” The lights were all off and there had been a few letters skidded across the floor. 

Mike sighed and dug into his pocket for a key. Joel had long ago given Mike a key to his house based on how often the younger man seemed to be crashing over with the bots. Well, with Cambot, Crow and Servo. Gypsum always made it a point to call ahead. 

When Mike opened the door, he wasn’t prepared for what he saw. It was decorated for Christmas, but none of the lights were on and some boxes of tinsel and baubles still lay on the floor, ready for Joel to finish decorating. 

“Joel?” Mike closed the door after him and picked up all the letters from the floor-so many letters, at least twenty. All with different date stamps on them. Joel hadn’t been home since the 18th at the _earliest_. Mike set the letters down on a nearby table and carried on exploring the house. 

He went into the fridge and sniffed the milk-which had gone bad. A lot of things in the fridge had gone bad. Half evaporated coffee still left in the coffee maker. Plates still in the sink. And then it hit Mike that Joel’s house was cold. If Joel were here, the house would be heated. He pulled up a chair at the table and put his head in his hands. What would he do now? He’d been to Joel’s Hot Fish Shop and his employees hadn’t seen him in almost a week. By the looks of it, neither had his house. 

There was only one thing left for Mike to do. He walked back out of Joel’s house and back to his car. He was going to report Joel as a missing person. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ho Ho Ho, merry almost Christmas! Well... there is only a week to go.  
> Of course Crow would be trying to get Let’s Have a Patrick Swayze Christmas in somehow. He managed it in Atlantic Rim.  
> Christmas Eve Eve was a thing me and my friend joked about when we had to go to school on the 23rd of December-that’s when school broke up for Christmas. We spent the entire day whining about being in school on Christmas Eve Eve and everyone kept telling us ‘that’s not a thing’. It sure is a thing!  
> Mike Nelson, Destroyer Of Worlds!  
> They’re decorating ready for Christmas. Most people in my area are also decorating for Christmas about now, including my family.  
> So Servo is carrying around some guilt as well. And he’s taking it a different way to Gypsum. Think of Gypsum more like Marlin in Finding Nemo. And Servo as the complete opposite.  
> The Sandy Frank Song. Sometimes when I’m bored or sad, that will pop into my head and I can’t help but laugh at it. The bots just wanted to remind Joel of the fun times they had together.  
> So what is the deal with Matt Claude Van Damme? Joel is going to find out. Just like he’s going to find out what the wrong end of Kinga’s cattle prod feels like.  
> References to The Canada Song.  
> It was kind of funny until Mike showed up. But he demanded I carry on his story. So there’s some depressing imagery of Mike looking through Joel’s cold and empty house and having to report him missing two days before Christmas. You’re welcome.


	7. Kingachrome is Dangerously Unstable

It was Christmas Eve and Max walked around Moon 13 wearing a Santa hat and carrying a sack handing out identical presents to each passing Bonehead. 

“Ho Ho Ho! Merry Christmas!” He cried out. 

A Bonehead took a parcel from him and looked at it and back at Max with a curious expression. 

“It’s a present.” Max said. “Because it’s Christmas.” 

“Yeah, thanks.” The Bonehead said. He carried on walking down the hall. 

Max saw another Bonehead passing, reached into the sack and shoved a present into the Bonehead’s hands.

“Ho Ho Ho!” Max said happily. 

“Max!” Kinga’s shrill voice. “What are you doing?” 

Max turned to face her. “Handing out presents to the Skeleton Crew.” 

“You are _not_ Santa.” Kinga swiped the hat from Max’s head. “I need you to help me set up tomorrow’s experiment.”

“Have you got the Invention Exchange ready?” Max asked. 

“Yeah, I got the Skeleton Crew working on it.” Kinga said. 

“Then why do you need my help?” Max asked. 

“I just do, okay, Max?” Kinga snapped.

“Alright, alright.” Max nodded. “Fine. Just let me take this present down to Ardy-“

“Tell him to load up Jingle All the Way.” 

“Not the Star Wars Holiday Special?” Max asked. 

“Hm...” Kinga folded her arms. “I know!” She exclaimed. “Ask him if we have Santa With Muscles and show Robinson, Heston and their stupid little robots that one.”

“Well... you weren’t going to go with National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation.” 

“Are you kidding right now, Max?” Kinga growled slightly. “That’s a Christmas classic. A _good_ film.” 

“Well, good is rather subjective-“

“Are you telling me you don’t like Christmas Vacation?” Kinga asked. 

“Yyyyyes?” Max said.

“And what do you think is a good Christmas movie?” 

“Bad Santa.” 

“Oh. Well actually that one’s not too bad.” Kinga agreed. “Go and tell Ardy to load up Santa With Muscles if we have it and Jingle All the Way if we don’t. Both movies suck.”

“But they’re not sci-fi movies.” Max pointed out.

“They’re Christmas movies. Therefore, they’re fantasy movies.” Kinga said. “Like that stupid film we showed Jonah the year before last.” 

“Oh man, that _was_ terrible.” Max agreed. “And there were no Martians in that one.”

“Exactly.” Kinga nodded. She pushed the Santa hat into Max’s chest with such force that she ended up winding him. 

Max let out a pained noise. 

“Tell Ardy to find those movies.” Kinga said. “Or it won’t be the hazelnuts going into the nutcracker this year.”

Max put his hands down over his groin, instantly understanding what Kinga meant. “Got it.” He said sheepishly. He put on his Santa hat and dragged his sack with him as he walked down the hall. 

Kinga walked in the opposite direction. More like she stormed off in the opposite direction. She huffed as she passed through a group of Boneheads-they parted like the Red Sea to let her pass because they knew it was never worth getting on Kinga’s bad side, but especially when she was angry. 

* * *

Max made the call to Moon 14, but nobody was there to answer. Ardy must have been taking his break, Max figured, so he headed off to the Break Room which Kinga was nice enough to grant after only a year and a half of begging. 

A group of Boneheads were playing Minecraft with the Xbox in the corner (Max’s Xbox, not that he cared. Okay, he cared a little). Two more were messing around with the coffeemaker (again, Max’s). And another was sleeping on the couch. 

But it didn’t take Max too long to find the Hazmat suited Moon 14 worked that he was looking for, standing in the corner, wolfing down a sandwich. 

“Hey, Ardy.” Max greeted. “Kinga’s set on having the experiment tomorrow.” 

“She’s chosen a movie?” Ardy asked. 

Max cringed. “Santa With Muscles.” 

“Eurgh.” Ardy grimaced. “I’ll see what I can do, with what movies we have in the Kingachrome. But I don’t really recall seeing that movie.” 

“If you don’t, then she wants Jingle All the Way.” 

“Now that movie, I _have_ seen.” Ardy said. “It’s somewhere in the Kingachrome vats where we once stored the dinosaurs for that Mesozoic Barbecue Ranch thing that Kinga demanded we have.” 

“Man, that was a disaster.” Max said. 

“You can say that again.” Ardy put the rest of his sandwich in his mouth and picked up his Hazmat suit helmet. “I almost got eaten.” 

“Yeah, sorry about that.” Max said. 

“I’m going to go and check on the Kingachrome, see if the movie _Her Majesty_ wants is in there.” 

“No need to be so sarcastic.” Max said. 

Ardy simply responded with an eye roll. If he rolled his eyes any harder, his optic nerves would have severed. 

“Okay, point taken.” Max cleared his throat. 

Ardy walked out of the room. 

Max followed, still dragging the Santa sack behind him. 

“You are not following me down to Moon 14 are you?” Ardy asked.

“No.” 

“Max, you can’t come.” Ardy said.

“Why not?” Max asked.

“You’re not wearing a Hazmat suit for starters.” Ardy said. “That Kingachrome is dangerously unstable and it might kill you if you touch it. I mean, I don’t know. Nobody’s ever really touched it besides the Skeleton Crew. So that is to say no _human_ has ever touched it. Boneheads are... are different.”

“So if I put my hand in it, my fingers might melt off?” 

“Yeah. No. I don’t know. I don’t want to find out either.” 

“What about that Kingachrome drink?”

“The what?” 

“It was last year, I think.” Max said. “Idiot Control Now.” 

“Yeah, yeah. From Pod People.” 

“That’s it.” 

“That was different. Synthia made that into a drink from what was actually probably toxic waste.” Ardy said. 

“Is Kingachrome toxic waste?” Max asked.

“I don’t know. I haven’t gone to Moon 15 and measured the radioactivity with a Geiger Counter yet. I mean, if something happens down there, we could all die horribly.” 

“So make sure that nothing happens down there then.” Max said. 

They stopped at the elevator doors, the elevator that took passengers down to Moon 14 and Moon 15. 

Ardy turned to Max. “That’s why I’m not letting you anywhere near the Kingachrome.” 

“What, and you trust Synthia, that dumb clone, around the Kingachrome?” Max asked. 

Ardy pressed the call elevator button. “Of course.” He said. “Synthia never got anyone eaten on their forced wedding day.” 

“Why does everyone _always_ bring that up?” Max asked. 

“Because it happened, Max. Because it happened.” 

The elevator pinged and the doors opened, letting out a few Boneheads. Ardy turned away from Max and walked into the elevator. 

Max hurried into the elevator after him. 

Ardy simply sighed. “Max. You have to go back up to Moon 13.”

“After I help you find the Christmas movie.” Max said. 

“I will break your neck and leave you for dead.” 

“I know you won’t.” 

The elevator pinged and the doors opened in Moon 14. 

Ardy stepped out and turned back to Max. “Go back to Moon 13, Max.” He turned back around. 

As the doors were about to close, Max put his hand out and the doors opened again. He stepped out too. 

Ardy frowned and looked over his shoulder to see Max following him again. 

“I told you, I don’t trust you around the Kingachrome.” 

“But it’s _Christmas Eve_.” Max pleaded. 

“I don’t care if it’s your birthday, Christmas Day, New Year’s Day, Valentine’s Day, Halloween, Easter and Thanksgiving all rolled into one fantastic holiday, you are _not_ going near the Kingachrome.” 

“But you let Bonsey, your dog, near the Kingachrome.” Max said. 

“Bonesy never attempted murder.” 

“I didn’t either.” 

“You did.” Ardy said. “You had Jonah eaten by-“

“I-that wasn’t me!” Max protested.

“I was there.” Ardy said. “I saw it on the Kingachrome. You found a key, put it in a slot, turned it, causing a metal monster to come from the ceiling and eat Jonah.” 

“But he didn’t die.” Max said. “And Kinga _also_ attempted murder on him-she turned off his oxygen, leaving him like... brain damaged and shit. _I_ never left him brain damaged.” 

“No.” Ardy agreed. “But you could have left him _dead_.” He came to a stop by the door to the Kingachrome room and put on his Hazmat helmet. 

* * *

Up on Moon 13, Kinga went into the break room. “Skeleton Crew!” She shouted to the Boneheads playing Xbox. “Has anyone seen Synthia?” 

“Last I heard, she was calling some guy.” 

“Her Internet boyfriend, I think.” 

“Who was that guy?” Kinga asked. “Tell me, Boneheads.”

“Um. I don’t know who it is.” 

“Yeah, neither do I.” 

“None of us do.” 

“Yeah, she never told us who it was.” 

“So I have to do _everything_ myself, do I?” Kinga demanded.

“You don’t do _anything_ yourself.”

“It’s always _us_.”

“You know I can always _decommission_ you.” Kinga said as darkly as she possibly could.

“Try the Quarters.” 

“That’s where I last saw her too.”

“Thank you, Skeleton Crew.” Kinga said, not at all actually sounding thankful. She walked out of the room.

“Merry Christmas.” One of the Boneheads called after her. 

“And a Bah Humbug to you too.” Kinga shouted back. 

* * *

Down on Moon 14, Ardy had begun to look through the Kingachrome video fluid, while Max simply stood at Ardy’s console, watching over him. 

“You know, I almost wondered why you need that Hazmat suit when you do your ‘movie in the hole’ thing.” Max said. 

“I’m handling the movie.” Ardy said. “It’s unstable. It could explode or something.” 

“What would happen if it did explode when you were doing that thing?” Max asked. 

“We would all die horribly and Jonah and now Joel would die up in space all alone having run out of food, water, oxygen and terrible movies.” Ardy said. 

“Wow.” Max blinked. “What a picture to paint on Christmas Eve.” 

“Well, you were the one who asked.” Ardy said. 

“Oh hey, I got you and Bonesy something for Christmas.” Max reached inside the Santa sack and pulled out two presents-one of them identical to the ones he’d been handing the Boneheads, and another dog bone shaped present. He walked over to Ardy to hand them over.

“That’s a dog bone, isn’t it?” Ardy said, not looking away from the Kingachrome fluid. 

“It... is.” Max said. 

“Can you... not?” Ardy asked. “At least not while I’m handling this _dangerously unstable_ video fluid?” He emphasised on ‘dangerously unstable’. 

“Oh, sorry.” Max backed away and into a vat of Kingachrome. 

Ardy heard the noise and his head jerked up so fast, it was a Christmas miracle that he didn’t get whiplash. “Whoa, careful!” He shouted. “You _don’t_ want to smash that. Even if the video fluid didn’t kill you, it still wouldn’t be worth Kinga’s wrath if you did something to her Kingachrome.”

“Oh yeah, that’s true.” Max nodded and moved away into the middle of the room. “She wouldn’t be happy. She’s a total Humbug today.” 

Ardy, satisfied that Max wasn’t going to break anything, went back to sorting through the Kingachrome vats. 

“Can you find it?” Max asked. 

“I’m trying now, if you don’t mind not talking.” Ardy said.

“Should I put some music on?” Max asked. 

“I’d prefer if you went back to Moon 13.” Ardy sighed. “This is no good. I’m going to have to go down to Moon 15.” 

“Moon 15?” Max said excitedly. “Oh I’ve never been down to Moon 15-“

“And you’re not going either.” Ardy said. “I’m going alone. If you’re going to stay here, do not _touch_ anything. Do not _go near_ anything. And especially do not _look_ at anything. Otherwise, go back to Moon 13.”

“You can count on me.” Max said, salute included.

“No, I can’t.” Ardy said. 

* * *

“Synthia!” Kinga screamed as she entered the living quarters. 

The living quarters were big enough for only Kinga, Max, Synthia, Ardy, some other humans scattered around Moon 13 and a couple of Boneheads. Kinga, of course, had the biggest room as the Queen of All Media. 

“Yes, Kinga?” Synthia asked, emerging from her room. 

“Who’s in there with you?” Kinga demanded. 

“Nobody, Kinga.” Synthia replied. “There is literally nobody in there with me.” 

“Not even that stupid Bonehead-“

“Nobody is in here with me.” Synthia repeated.

“I want to see.” Kings pushed past Synthia and barged into her room. 

“No, don’t-“ Synthia protested.

“Uh... hello, Kinga.” 

“Doc-Dr Erhardt?” Kinga frowned. Of all the things she suspected of Synthia, she hadn’t expected a video call from Dr Erhardt.

“Merry Christmas.” Dr Erhardt said. 

“Yeah, Humbug to you too.” Kinga muttered. “Did you ever get around to scattering my father’s ashes?” She asked. 

“Of course I did, Kinga.” Dr Erhardt said. “And TV’s Frank’s.” 

“Why are you video calling Synthia?” Kinga asked. 

“Because we’re friends.” Dr Erhardt replied. “Not that you’d know what that word means, what with how you treat Max and Synthia and Jonah.” 

“You know about Jonah? _How_ do you know about Jonah?” Kinga asked.

“I know _all_ about Jonah.” Dr Erhardt shook his head. He pointed towards Synthia. 

Kinga turned to Synthia with a furious expression on her face. “How dare you!” She screamed. “How dare you tell outside people what I do with my test subjects when I don’t even tell most of the Skeleton Crew-“

“I also know about _Joel_.” Dr Erhardt said loudly over her, just to ensure he was heard. 

Kinga growled at Synthia, who backed down slightly like a frightened dog. Kinga could be very intimidating when she wanted to be and this was certainly one of those times. 

Dr Erhardt, however, refused to back down and carried on standing there, looking almost peaceful. Maybe it was because he was on the screen and could not be hurt by Kinga-except his feelings. But having spent a few years with Clayton and having known Kinga as a young child, he probably knew that Kinga _wouldn’t_ hurt him anyway. 

“What do you want me to say?” Kinga hissed. 

“I want you to let him go.” Dr Erhardt replied. 

“I’m not going to do that.” Kinga said. “Why would you want me to let him go anyway-you were a Mad yourself! You tortured Joel personally!”

“Yeah.” Dr. Erhardt nodded. “That’s why you should let him go.” 

“What’s changed in you?” 

“As I’ve told you, I was on an ongoing journey of self discovery and it turned out pretty nice-“

“Shut up.” Kinga snapped. “What are you now? The Ghost Of Christmas Past?”

“Just think about it this way, Kinga,” Dr Erhardt began, “would your father want you to be torturing a disabled man with language processing issues and attention problems? Or would he just let that person go and find a new test subject-one that he hadn’t experimented on before?” 

Kinga stopped to think about what Dr Erhardt was saying. She looked at Synthia and then again as Dr Erhardt before storming out of the room. 

“Larry, I’m so sorry about that.” Synthia said. “So where were we?”

* * *

Max was wandering around the Kingachrome room, looking for a mop. He hadn’t listened to Ardy, who had been right-he shouldn’t have touched anything and he totally regretted having touched something. He’d found the vat for Jingle All the Way. He’d also broken the vat for Jingle All the Way and Kingachrome video fluid was leaking all over the floor. 

Max had to do it, he had to call Ardy down in Moon 15. 

“What have you done?” Ardy’s voice came before his Hazmat suited up body appeared on the screen. 

“There’s been a leak in the Kingachrome video fluid.” 

“What have you done?” Ardy repeated, this time more forcefully. 

“I found the vat for Jingle All the Way.” Max said. “That’s the one that’s leaking.”

“Oh for...” Ardy grunted as if he was going to say something else. “Stay there. Do not move. I’ll clean it up.”

“What do we do now though?” Max asked. 

“You do nothing.” Ardy said. “I’ll find another Christmas movie.”

“Santa With Muscles?” 

“We don’t have that one.” Ardy said. “Look, just don’t move. Don’t touch anything. Don’t even blink. I’ll be right up.”

True to his word, it was less than five minutes before Ardy came running into the Kingachrome room in Moon 14 with a mop and a bucket. 

“ _You_ are in a lot of trouble.” Ardy said as he set the empty bucket down under the leak and started to mop up the orange-y yellow liquid. It was still leaking and oozing from the vat, which made the clean-up even more difficult. 

“I’m sorry, it just sort of... happened.” Max said. 

“Shut up. I don’t want to hear another word.” Ardy wrung out the mop into the bucket. “I told you to go back to Moon 13, but you didn’t listen and now we have video fluid leaking out onto the floor.”

“Kinga told me to help you set the experiment up and find the movie.” Max said. 

“How did you break the vat?” Ardy asked, still mopping the video fluid up. 

“I dropped another vat into it.” Max said. 

Ardy stopped to lean on the mop. “Did _that_ one leak too?” 

“No.” Max said. 

“Which movie is it?” Ardy asked, wringing the mop out again. 

“Uh, I think it was Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny.” Max said. 

“Perfect.” Ardy signalled some passing Boneheads. “That’s totally awful and unwatchable. We’ll send that one up tomorrow.” 

The three Boneheads walked over. 

“Clean this up and don’t play in it.” Ardy said. 

“Sure.” 

“Come on, Max.” Ardy moved away from the puddle and placed a call to Moon 13. 

Kings answered. “What is it, Ardy? And Max?” 

“Well, there was an accident with the Kingachrome video fluid.” Ardy explained. “Max smashed the vat for Jingle All the Way and we don’t have Santa With Muscles-“

“We have no Christmas experiment for tomorrow, is that what you’re telling me?” Kinga asked. 

“No, we found another one-Santa and The Ice Cream Bunny.” Ardy said. 

“Oh.” Kinga nodded. “Yes, that’s _so_ much better-I didn’t even think of that one!” She chuckled deviously. “We’ll send that one up to Joel and Jonah tomorrow.”

“Good.” Max nodded. “That’s all sorted-“

“Ardy, get some Boneheads to test it, make sure it’s the right movie. And that it’s as unwatchable as I remember.” Kinga said. 

“Yeah, sure thing.” Ardy said. 

“And you, Max, get yourself back to Moon 13 without breaking any more vats of Kingachrome fluid. And bring your stupid Santa sack with you.” Kinga said. “We have a lot more prep to cover for tomorrow’s experiment.” 

“Yes, Your Kinganess.” Max nodded. 

Kinga hit a button and the screen connecting Moon 13 to Moon 14 was disconnected and went black. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First thing’s first, if you follow Joel or Jonah on Twitter, you may have seen a badly made Tom Servo cake. It’s mine. I baked it. It doesn’t look great, but it tastes just fine.  
> Alright, now since the last chapter took place exclusively on the SOL and on Earth, I wanted to do a chapter focusing on the Mads. Kinga’s going to go through a bit of a loose Christmas Carol (mainly because the only Christmas movies I’ve been watching this month have been Christmas Carol adaptations) and Dr Erhardt is indeed the Ghost Of Christmas Past. What about the Ghosts Of Christmas Present and Future? Read on and find out.  
> The movies named are flat out the worst Christmas movies. I like Christmas Vacation though and Bad Santa.  
> I just kind of liked the idea of Max accidentally causing trouble down in Moon 14. He means well though. And he is technically just following Kinga’s orders.  
> I hope I did the Mads right.


	8. Jonah’s Tiny Tim Now, Is He?

It had been a day since Mike had reported Joel missing and it was also the day before Christmas. He kept trying to call Joel’s phone and got no answer. That was until Joel’s phone was found by one of his employees at the Hot Fish Shop. Although Mike held it together at the time, he broke down crying in his car for at least a half hour before he turned the phone over to the police. 

Nothing on his Twitter or Facebook feeds. Nothing on WhatsApp. Nothing on Snapchat. Not a trace of him on the Internet for almost a week now. Nothing from any hospitals in the city or in the state. And no cards used or money gone from his bank account. It was almost as if Joel had disappeared from the face of the Earth. 

Mike was tempted to head to Gizmonic Institute just to see if they’d heard anything about Joel there, but he concluded that revisiting the very distant past wasn’t a good idea. It had been more than thirty years since Joel was under their employment after all. But he didn’t know what else to do, where else to look. 

First it had been Gypsum. Then Servo. Then Crow. Lastly went Cambot. That was over four years now. Almost half a decade. And now Joel had gone. Just gone. And Mike was left feeling extremely conflicting emotions. But for the first time in his life, he felt completely alone. 

Mike wandered the streets among the workers, the revellers, the alcoholics and the last minute shoppers unable to feel a single emotion besides sadness. The one person who truly understood what he was going through had gone. His best friend. The robots. And yet life on Earth was carrying on as normal and it didn’t seem fair. 

He put his hands in his pockets and did some more walking. He knew that he’d have to start making ‘missing person’ posters, just as he’d done for the bots. And he knew that nobody would have seen him. He walked and walked until he arrived at Joel’s house again. Typical. Of course his feet would take him there. His mind too. 

As he walked down the path, he heard a voice calling out. 

“Hello, Mike! Merry Christmas!” It was Joel’s elderly neighbour. 

“Hello, Mr Cooper.” Mike greeted with a forced smile on his face. “Merry Christmas to you too.” He walked back up the path to meet the old man. 

“I was just going to deliver Christmas cards.” Mr Cooper handed a card to Mike. “I was wondering, could you please give this to Joel? I haven’t seen in in a few days. I hope he’s well.” 

Mike bit his lip and took the card. “Uh... Mr Cooper.” He had to rip it off like a band aid. “Joel’s missing.” 

“Missing?” Mr Cooper was taken by surprise. “Oh dear. Is there anything Mona and I can do to help?” 

“I don’t think so.” Mike said. “I don’t even think there’s anything _I_ can do. I’ve reported him missing to the police. But it’s like he’s just vanished right off the Earth. And it’s Christmas.”

Mr Cooper put his hand on Mike’s. “It’s very hard when your loved ones aren’t around to celebrate the holidays with you.” He said. “It’s harder still when you have no idea if they’re alive or dead.”

Mike opened his mouth to say something, after all, he didn’t like to think of Joel as being dead. He simply nodded instead. 

“You’re very welcome to spend Christmas with Mona and I.” Mr Cooper said. “We were always fond of Joel. I do hope he’s alright and that a Christmas miracle has him turn up home, safe and sound.” 

“Me too, Mr Cooper.” Mike said. “And thank you for your kind offer.” He hadn’t really wanted to go back to Wisconsin for the holidays with his parents and brother and seeing the bots’ empty room. This just gave him an excuse to stay in Minnesota. Sure the bots had empty rooms here, but there was more warmth here. He was around people who knew Joel. 

“It’s terrible. The last person who disappeared around here was that Hawaiian boy, Jonah Heston. Nearly three years he’s been gone.” Mr Cooper shook his head and brought Mike in for a hug. “Mike, I am very sorry.”

Mike felt that urge to cry again. He wanted to know that Joel would be alright, not that he’d be missing for another three years or more. Or worse, that he’d never come home. “Mr Cooper-“

“Joel is a smart man. Always tinkering around the house. He fixed my TV a few times too. Oh and those delightful robots.”

“Mr Cooper.”

“I didn’t expect Joel to go missing.” Mr Cooper said. “He was always very happy. Funny. Kind. Took everything in his stride, you know? Of course you know. You were his friend.” 

“I _am_ his friend.” Mike corrected. “Could you please let me go now?” 

“Oh, I’m sorry.” Mr Cooper let go of Mike. “I suppose you want to process Joel’s disappearance in your own way.” 

“I don’t know _how_ to process it, to be honest.” Mike said. “Every emotion-it’s just so intense. My mind wanders but it always comes back to Joel’s missing.” Now he felt angry. He felt like punching something-or someone. The person who kidnapped Joel would be a good target, if he only knew who it was. Instead he resorted to punching Joel’s prize rose bush, knocking off the snow. 

Quickly, Mike realised what he’d done and stroked the bush. “I’m sorry. It’s not your fault.” He said to it. He turned to Mr Cooper. “It’s not your fault either.” He said. “I just-“

“You miss Joel.” Mr Cooper nodded. “I understand. Though that was a heck of a temper explosion I just witnessed.” 

Mike shrugged. “Like I said, I don’t know how to process this.” 

“If you need to talk or vent, Mona and I are always here.” 

“Isn’t, uh, Andrew coming home for the holidays?” 

“Not this year, no.” Mr Cooper replied. “He’s gone with his wife and their kids and grandkids to Hawaii.” 

“Nice on them.” Mike said halfheartedly. He sighed, knowing that his Christmas would be spent looking for Joel. 

* * *

Jonah was in the workshop alongside Growler. He knew that experiment day would be the next day and was rushing to get his Invention Exchange sorted. Except for the fact that his hands wouldn’t do what he wanted them to do and his arms kept jerking and the muscles kept stiffening and it all hurt so much. 

He looked over the invention. There was something he was missing. He didn’t know what and it was just so annoying. He picked up a nearby pen and hurled it as far as he could (not very far) and screamed out in frustration. 

“Hey, you’d better watch yourself there.” Growler said. “I don’t mind if you hit me, but you don’t want to get too tired you miss out on Christmas.” 

Jonah glared at the green robot as best he could. “Sh’up.” He said. He shook his head and looked back at the invention. “That.” He pointed to a wire. “Move.” He pointed to a free space on the circuit board. 

Growler carefully moved the wire and put it in the free space on the circuit board that Jonah had pointed to. 

Jonah moved his finger up and down. “‘Lik thing. ‘Lik thing.” He repeated. 

“I’m sorry, what?” 

“‘Lik thing. Offon.” Jonah said. 

“The switch?” Growler asked. He flicked the switch and nothing happened. 

Jonah growled and pounded the workbench with his fist. 

“Hey, be careful!” Growler exclaimed. 

Joel walked in to see Jonah having some kind of temper tantrum and Growler trying to help him calm down. 

Jonah wasn’t having a temper tantrum. He was deeply frustrated because all the things that cam easily to him before, like inventing, tinkering, walking, moving, talking, getting his point across, were now harder to do than ever. And it seemed that nobody else could see that. 

“Is everything alright in here?” Joel asked. 

“Yeah, yeah, everything’s fine.” Growler said. “And even if it isn’t, don’t worry about us. It’s no problem.”

“Oh, alright then.” Joel nodded, not entirely convinced. “I just came in here to see if there was a particular screwdriver. I can’t seem to find it in the fablab.” He started to look through the toolbox that was on the floor, but stopped as he thought about something. Why was Jonah in the workshop? Wasn’t he physically and mentally disabled? It would be dangerous for him in here. 

He stood up and turned around. “Why’s Jonah in here?”

“Work.” Jonah said. He pointed at his invention. “Mads. The... um... uh... make stuff... ‘n trade.” 

“Invention Exchange.” Joel supplied. 

Jonah nodded. 

“I’m taking care of that, don’t worry.” Joel said. 

Jonah simply stared right ahead at Joel- _through_ Joel. He knew something was wrong. He could _feel_ it. But he didn’t know what that something was. “G’owler.” 

Growler looked up at Jonah. “You okay there, buddy?” 

Jonah shook his head and patted at his belly. “Feel sick.” He said. He tried to speak again, but ended up flapping his hands and grunting at his frustration at not being able to be understood. 

“Jonah?” Joel asked. 

“We’d.” Jonah said. 

“You feel weird and sick?” Joel asked. “Do you want me to-?”

Suddenly and without warning, Jonah let out what appeared to be a cry of pain, and fell backwards onto the floor, unconscious. 

Joel’s first thought was that Jonah had fallen because of his poor motor functions, but quickly realised this wasn’t the case when the younger man in front of him started jerking worse than he’d ever seen him before. His arms and legs twitching, jerking and bending, made it look like he was having some kind of frenzied night terror and was thrashing out or that he was a turtle stuck on its back. But Joel knew better because he’d seen this before.

“He’s having a seizure.” Joel said to nobody in particular. His first aid training kicked in. “Growler, help me move anything that might pose a danger to Jonah away from him-that means everything in this workshop.” He said. 

“You got it.” Growler said as he dragged the stool by Jonah’s head away. 

Joel took off his ugly Christmas sweater, folded it up and with one hand, put it under Jonah’s head while he swiped Jonah’s glasses with his other hand. Then he quickly cleared away some of the tools and a pen, pushing and kicking them to one side as he crawled around, looking for anything else that might hurt Jonah, like a loose nail. He would much rather take a nail to the knee and have it scratch him than have that nail puncture Jonah’s knee. 

“What’s going on?” Crow appeared.

“How long have you been there?” Joel asked. He was still on all fours on the floor. 

“Since before Jonah turned blue.” Crow said. 

Joel looked at Jonah-his lips had indeed turned blue and his skin had taken on a sort of mottled blue-ish tint. 

“Aren’t you scared?” He asked. 

Crow shook his head. “This has happened before.” He said. “It was absolutely horrifying at first but... it’s pretty normal now.” 

“This isn’t normal, Crow.” Joel said. “This is-“

“Epilepsy.” Crow said. “I know.” 

Joel watched Jonah convulse on the floor as he glanced at his watch. This had been going on for three minutes now and Joel didn’t like it one bit. But the convulsions began to stop, save for the regular spasms in Jonah’s arm and leg. Three and a half minutes, roughly, in total. 

“Growler, do you know the recovery position?” Joel asked. 

“I sure do.” Growler said. “I’ve done a lot of first aid reading this past year.” 

“Great. Help me get Jonah into the recovery position then.” Joel said. 

Carefully, the two put Jonah on his side in the recovery position, despite the spasms in his arm, and surely, the colour returned to his face once again. Joel knelt closer to Jonah in order to examine him for injuries, but despite the blood trickling from his mouth-Joel presumed from biting his lip or cheek during the seizure-found no evidence of any injury. However, Jonah _had_ soiled his jumpsuit and presumably his boxers. But that could be sorted when he woke up. 

“Jonah. It’s okay.” Joel rubbed circles into Jonah’s shoulder. “I’m here. Growler’s here. Crow’s here.” He said. “It’s alright. Take your time waking up. But not too much time.” 

Jonah grunted to let Joel know he was listening. 

“Jonah?” Joel asked. “You’re with us?” 

Jonah’s eyes opened and they looked sleepier than Joel’s. Jonah grunted again. He didn’t feel like _talking_. He felt like _sleeping_. 

“Jonah? Do you know who I am?” Crow asked. 

“‘Row.” Jonah mumbled, letting out a mouthful of blood and spit which dribbled down his cheek and onto the floor. 

“Do you know where you are?” Crow asked. 

“Moon.” Jonah said. “Ki’a.” Everything felt hazier than usual. Why was Crow asking questions he couldn’t answer?!

“No, Kinga’s not here.” Growler said. “You’re in the workshop.” 

Jonah moved his hand from the floor and felt around his eyes. His glasses were gone. 

“It’s okay, Jonah.” Joel said. “I have your glasses.” 

“‘Kay.” Jonah mumbled. In honesty, he could be left there to sleep and he wouldn’t care. 

“I’m going to try and get you to sit up now, okay?” Joel said. “Don’t worry. Gyps is on her way.” 

“Gyps.” Jonah mumbled. “Fine.” 

* * *

On Moon 13, Kinga was less happier than usual and that had everything to do with Synthia and Dr Larry Erhardt. 

“Who _does_ he think he is, Max?” Kinga snarled. “I’ve been on an ongoing journey of self discovery and it’s worked out real nice.” She said, imitating him. “Useless person. Just ran off one day and left our dads to mad science alone. I mean, who leaves mad science? It’s a well paying profession!” 

“Well, uh, Kinga...” 

“Yes, Max?” 

“Maybe he didn’t want to be a mad scientist’s second banana any more.” 

“Are you saying you don’t want to be here any more?” Kinga asked. “Because that can certainly be arranged. I know a few people here who’d be my second banana.” She began to count on her fingers. “Synthia. Ardy. Bree. Dr Donna.”

“Bree’s your doctor.” Max pointed out. “She can’t be your second banana.”

“ _Dr_ Clayton Forrester. _Dr_ Laurence Erhardt. The _original_ Mads.” Kinga said. “Your father was _TV’s_ Frank! That’s not a mad scientist name. And what would you know about mad science? You’re _not_ a scientist.”

Max opened his mouth to say something, but was interrupted by a weird beeping-blooping noise. 

“We’re getting a call from the Satellite Of Love.” Kinga frowned. 

“Oh no, maybe Jonah died or something.” Max said. “I’d hate that. He may have trapped us in the movie vault, but-“

“Yeah, he did.” Kinga nodded. She pressed a button and the feed from the SOL came onto the screen. “What do you want, Hest-oh.”

“It’s Joel Robinson here, Kinga.” 

“Yeah, I can see that.” 

“Did something happen to Jonah?” Max asked. 

“Yeah, actually, it did.” Joel said. 

Max bit his fist.

“Well?” Kinga asked impatiently. “Are you going to tell us what happened?” 

“He had a seizure, Kinga.” 

“Did he die?” 

“He’s sleeping it off.” Joel said. “The bots are with him.” 

“Then why call me?” 

“To tell you to let him go.” Joel said. “Or give me some more help.”

“You wanted him. Now you don’t.”

“Kinga, he has epilepsy. He had a seizure in his workshop. He could get seriously hurt.” 

“That’s no problem of mine.” Kinga said. 

“He’s _your_ test subject!” Joel said.

“ _You_ wanted him, _you_ deal with him.” 

“Kinga, I-“ Joel stopped himself from saying what he was about to. “Kinga. I don’t know how much I can help him. His life will _definitely_ be easier here than it would be on Moon 13. But at some point, you’re just going to have to let him go. Look, it’s Christmas-“

“Humbug.” Kinga snarled. 

Joel didn’t let his interruption bother him. “It’s Christmas, it’s the time for giving and peace and goodwill towards all men. And he’s got disabilities now-“

“So what?” Kinga shrugged. “Jonah’s Tiny Tim now, is he?” 

“I think Tiny Tim had rickets, not brain damage-“

“That’s not the point!” Kinga screamed and stamped her foot. 

Max jumped out of the way. “She does this a lot.” He said. 

“Yeah, really taking after Clayton there.” Joel said. 

“I’m not letting him go.” Kinga said. “That’s the end. Push the button, Max.” 

“Wait, Kinga!”

Max pushed the button and the screen went dark. 

“Max, check up on the other guy.” Kinga said. “I’ve got stuff to do.” 

“You got it, Kinga.” Max nodded and scuttled off, still wearing his Santa hat, in the opposite direction.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for all the angst in this chapter, but that’s what the angst tag is for.  
> Joel’s neighbours. Mainly to highlight that Joel has a life back home and he has people who will-and do-miss him. And they know Mike.  
> It’s my personal headcanon that Mike has ADHD. Having ADHD myself, I can see a lot of me in Mike when I watch the Mike episodes. If you want to know more, just ask. But this bit shows the emotion regulation issues, made entirely worse by the sudden disappearance of his closest friend.  
> Where I am, it’s pretty much required by law to know first aid if you have your own business. Not sure about laws in Minnesota though, but I do know that for someone to be declared legally dead in absentia, they have to be missing for four or more years and Jonah’s rapidly approaching that amount.  
> Joel here takes the role of the Ghost of Christmas Present and Jonah, the role of Tiny Tim.  
> Oh and Jonah will have more to do in the labs and workshop. He might have to think a bit more and work a bit harder than he did before, but he’s not completely useless. And he’s going to show it.


	9. There Must Be A Santa For Tardigrades

It was the night before Christmas and all through the Satellite, not a creature was stirring... except maybe Joel.

 __He lay in the hammock, gently swinging from side to side, wondering whether Jonah would like his invention for tomorrow’s Invention Exchange. That wasn’t all he was wondering, however, as he was nervous for the experiment. Although he’d watched Howard the Duck, tomorrow would be his first actual experiment since Mitchell way back in 1993. That was over twenty-six years ago now.

Twice now, he’d left the SOL without thinking he’d actually make it. The first time was completely out of his control. The second time... that was much worse. He made it up to the Satellite. He met Mike. They practically begged him to take them back to Earth. He had to refuse because he genuinely believed he wouldn’t make it back to Earth. And he might not have if he’d brought Mike and the bots along with him. He honestly had thought he was dead, even when he woke up in the hospital. But he’d made it. 

He remembered thinking that he had abandoned Mike and the bots. He threw himself into his work. When he heard about the crash, he got depressed for a while, actually thinking that Mike and the bots hadn’t survived that. But after a while, he heard about Gypsum forming her own company and concluded they had survived. Not long after that, Mike sought him out and brought Tom and Crow with him. 

Mike quickly became Joel’s best friend because of their shared experience. Whoever Mike was dating, Joel was always the first to meet them. Mike even helped out at his Hot Fish Shop when he wasn’t temping. And they always spent Christmas together. Just Mike, Joel, Cambot, Crow, Gypsum and Servo. Even though Crow was constantly asking to decide who lives and who dies, every year he would be happy at what Joel and Mike got him. Servo’s requests were much more reasonable and easier to fulfil. Cambot was happy to document it all. And Gypsum just enjoyed the company of her family.

But then the bots disappeared. It was an awful time. Both Joel and Mike searched all over the Midwest for them, but they’d gone. That Christmas was a terrible one. A lonely one. Although Joel had Mike and Mike had Joel, the bots had nobody. When Joel found the sheet music to Let’s Have a Patrick Swayze Christmas in Crow’s room, he actually burst into tears. He loved his bots so much. It hurt that he had to leave the first time round. The second time round, he thought he was on a suicide mission. The third time round, the bots had been taken from him and Mike. But it didn’t stop Joel feeling guilty. 

The next Christmas wasn’t much better. Joel hadn’t even bothered putting up Christmas decorations. He tried to take it al in his stride, but he was bereft and taking Prozac and Zoloft after he told his therapist that his kids were missing and presumed dead. The drugs stopped the random crying. And after some time, he was weaned off them. Going through it with Mike helped. But he could never be truly happy without his bots. He didn’t dare give up though. He always hoped he’d see his bots again.

And he could only imagine how Mike was feeling at that time. Mike was alone. No bots. No Joel. When the bots disappeared, Joel and Mike leaned on each other. But now Joel had the bots and while he was immensely grateful for that, he felt terrible that there was nobody left for Mike to lean on. 

Joel sat up in the hammock and put a pair of socks on. He slid out of the hammock and walked out into the kitchen for a drink of water. 

“Hey, Joel.” Crow said. 

“Can’t sleep either?” Joel asked. 

“Nah.” Crow shook his head. “What were you thinking about?” 

“I was just thinking about stuff.” Joel said. 

“I was worried about Jonah.” Crow said. “He’s still foggy after that seizure earlier.” 

“Who’s watching him?” Joel asked. 

“Cambot.” Crow answered. “It’s Christmas Eve. Joel, Santa’s not coming, is he?” 

“No. Santa isn’t coming.” Joel said. 

“Will he visit Mike?” 

Joel still hadn’t got round to telling Crow and Servo that Santa wasn’t real, though Gypsum and Cambot knew. So Joel nodded. “I’m sure he will, Crow.” 

“Will he tell Mike how to find us?” Crow asked. “And give him a spaceship big enough to carry all nine of us in?”

“Crow, there’s only eight of us.” Joel said.

“Nine including Mike.” Crow pointed out. 

Joel nodded. Crow was right. Six bots, three humans-that made nine. 

“And ten including Santa.”

“Santa can’t breathe in space, Crow.” 

“But he’s Santa.” 

“Nothing can survive the vacuum of space, honey.” 

“Tardigrades can.” 

“Santa isn’t a tardigrade now, is he?” 

“He might be.” 

“Crow.” Joel said in his father-like tone. 

“Well... there _must_ be a Santa for tardigrades.” Crow reasoned. “What if Tardigrade Santa was also Human Santa and Dog Santa and Cat Santa and Pigeon Santa?” 

“I suppose there’s also a Reindeer Santa?” Joel asked sarcastically. 

“Of course not.” Crow said. “That’s Rudolph.” 

“Rudolph. Alright.” Joel muttered. “So, Crow,” he said aloud, “what would you ask Santa for, if he were here?” 

“I’d ask him if he could make Jonah better.” Crow said. 

“Oh wow.” Joel was surprised. “Crow-Crow, that’s so sweet.” 

“So I could steal all his stuff.” Crow finished. 

“That’s... _less_ sweet.” Joel admitted. 

“I mean, I’ve already stolen all of Growler’s stuff and Waverly’s stuff. And Servo’s stuff isn’t worth stealing at all.”

“Well, Santa definitely isn’t coming now.” Joel said.

“Why not?” Crow asked. 

“Well, you’ve been stealing other peoples’ stuff.” Joel said. “You’re on the Naughty List. Like Kinga is.” 

“Is Servo on the naughty list?” 

“Does he steal peoples’ stuff too?” 

“Yeah.” 

“Then yes.” 

“But I brought Jonah back to life.” 

“Crow, one good act doesn’t automatically put you on the Nice List. You have to be nice all year round for that. And stealing peoples’ stuff isn’t nice.” 

“It’s naughty.” Crow said. “I know. But it’s fun. Way more fun than not stealing stuff. So I’m not going to get any Christmas presents at all? Not from you or Jonah or Santa?” 

“I’m afraid not, Crow.” 

“This Christmas is going to suck. But at least you haven’t died in the last five years.” Crow said. 

Joel nodded. Truthfully, he was very glad to be back with his robots. The ones that he loved very much. But he couldn’t help thinking about Mike down on Earth. Alone. 

“And neither has Mike, right?” Crow asked. 

“No, Crow.” Joel said. “I talked to him last week to make Christmas plans. Mike’s fine.”

“Christmas plans?” 

“Well, we still spend Christmas together, even without you bots.” Joel said. “We’re best friends.”

“You mean you _spent_ Christmas together.” Crow corrected. “Since you’re up here and Mike’s back on Earth I think.” 

“Yeah.” Joel said wistfully. 

“Joel, do you _miss_ Mike?” Crow asked. 

“I-Yeah, I do, Crow.” Joel said. 

“Oh.” Crow said. “I miss Mike too. Shall we miss him together?” 

“Sure. Sounds like a plan.” Joel said.

* * *

Mike was crashing in Joel’s guest room, as he often did at Christmas time. He’d managed to fall asleep, but woke up in the middle of the night to go and pee. After going to the bathroom, he knew that Crow still believed in Santa, so he pulled up NORAD Tracks Santa on his phone and excitedly went into Crow and Servo’s room to tell Crow where Santa was. 

“Hey, Crow! Crow, wake up! Santa’s over Casper now, that means he’s been here-“ When he got no response, reality set in for Mike and his shoulders fell.

Crow had been missing for, this would be the fourth Christmas. Same with Servo. Cambot. Gypsum. 

Mike sighed and walked to Joel’s room. For a moment in his half asleep state, he thought the bots were with them again. He knocked on Joel’s door. “Joel?” 

No answer. 

“Hey, Joel? You okay in there?” 

No answer again. 

Mike panicked and burst into Joel’s room, fearing the worst-that Joel had died in his sleep or something, but then seeing the empty bed was a painful reminder that Joel had just gone missing too. 

Mike let out an agonised howl and threw his phone at the wall. Not only were the bots gone, but Joel was too. He was alone. Totally and completely alone. And with his phone smashed, Joel had no way of getting hold of him-Joel knew Mike’s number by heart, just as Mike knew Joel’s. Why did he have to throw his phone at the wall and smash it? There was no way to get it repaired or even replaced on Christmas Day, which it now was. 

Mike dropped down to his knees, that emotional rollercoaster had taken the wind right out of his sails. He breathed heavily as he thought about what could have happened to Joel, where he could have gone. Why would he just leave him?

Instead of getting up, Mike let himself drop to the floor and the tears started coming yet again. This wasn’t right. None of this was right. He shouldn’t be lying on Joel’s bedroom floor at one in the morning on Christmas Day without Joel there. Without the bots. Instead of celebrating Christmas Day, in the morning, he would be putting flyers up all around town with Joel’s face on them. What else could he do? 

It was upsetting enough that they’d gone. He’d never give up on them. But he didn’t know what else he could do to find his friends and that was what hurt Mike the most.

* * *

Kinga was asleep in bed when she woke up thirsty. She got up for a glass of water, leaving her room and walking out to the kitchen. It was on her way that she could have sworn she saw Jonah Heston standing there in a Grinch Santa costume, carrying a Christmas tree. She shook her head, reminding herself that Heston was brain damaged now and how could he get down to Moon 13? He couldn’t. It was her imagination. 

She got her drink of water and lingered in the kitchen for a few minutes before cleaning the cup. She turned around and in her face was indeed, Jonah Heston in a Grinch Santa costume. Naturally, of course, she screamed. 

“Hey, keep it down, Kinga.” Jonah said. 

“You-you’re supposed to be up on the Satellite Of Love.” Kinga said. “You’re supposed to have brain damage. But you’re normal? You’ve been faking this whole time to get out of experiments! Oh Heston, I’m _onto_ you! Tomorrow’s experiment is going to be brutal! You hear me?! _BRUTAL_!”

“Are you done yet?” Jonah asked, taking off his Santa hat. “I haven’t got all day.” He looked at his watch. “Night.”

“Nuh-uh, Heston. You can stop your drooling, your peeing yourself and your stupid talking and moving-I know it’s all a fake-“ Kinga put her hand on Jonah’s shoulder as if to push him out of the way, but her hand went straight through him. “Wuh-what?”

“Kinga. You killed me.” Jonah said. 

“No, I didn’t kill you.”

“Just like you killed Matt Claude Van Damme.” 

“I didn’t-I didn’t kill Matt, I swear-“

“I _know_ what you did with him.” Jonah said. 

“I-I...” Kinga didn’t know what to say. “Why are you dressed like The Grinch wearing a Santa costume?”

“Because I’m a _ghost_ , Kinga, I can do what I want.” Jonah said. 

“Is that why you’re normal sounding?” 

“... Yes.” Jonah said. “Like I said, I can do whatever I want.”

“Did you have a seizure and die because I told Joel Robinson to deal with you by yourself?” Kinga asked. 

“Uh... sure, let’s go with that.” Jonah nodded. “Only the Jonah that’s up on the Satellite Of Love right now is still alive.”

“How are you here as a ghost then?” Kinga asked. “Are you magic or something? Did that Alchemy Glue do something to you?” 

“That was Tom’s-“ Jonah grunted. “No, Kinga. I’m here to show you what _could_ happen. Look, you killed Matt Claude Van Damme. That’s fact is indisputable. But you have a chance here to save Jonah. If you don’t help him, then he’s going to die and then you have me haunting you for the rest of your miserable life on this... Moon.” 

“Then I’ll go back to Earth-Deep 13, where my Daddy raised me.” 

Jonah facepalmed. “Did you, like, not listen to a word Dr Erhardt said?” 

“How do you know what Dr Erhardt said?” Kinga asked accusingly. 

“Uh... I’m a _ghost_.” Jonah gestured at his form. “So what was it Dr Erhardt said?” 

“Nothing that concerns you.” Kinga said. 

“Oh, I think you’ll find it does _concern_ me, because it’s _about_ me.” Jonah said. “You know what he said? He said ‘would your father want you to be torturing a disabled man with language processing issues and attention problems? Or would he just let that person go and find a new test subject-one that he hadn’t experimented on before?’. Can you answer that question, Kinga?”

“There’s no question to answer.” 

“Do you want my death on your hands as you have Matt Claude Van Damme’s?” Jonah asked.

“Get out of here, Ghost Jonah! You... you... Ghost of Christmas Future!”

”You know, I actually prefer ‘Ghost Of Christmas Yet To Come-“

”Nobody cares what you prefer!” Kinga screeched.

Jonah disappeared, which caused Kinga to sit bolt upright in her bed. In her bed? 

“Wait? That was a dream?” She said to nobody in particular. “No wonder Jonah knew so much about Dr Erhardt.” 

“Ho Ho Ho!” Max’s cheery voice came from outside the door. “Merry Christmas!” 

Kings grabbed hold of her digital clock from her bedside table. 07:00. “Experiment Day!” She called out happily. “I didn’t miss it after all!” 

A knock on Kinga’s door had her jump out of bed. She opened it to see Max fully dressed up as Santa.

“Merry Christmas, Kinga!” He said happily. 

“And a Bah Humbug to you too.” Kinga said. “Come on. Get out of that ridiculous Santa get-up. It’s Experiment Day.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright. So this chapter is a little short. But that’s only because I’ve been horribly ill these last few days and unable to look at a screen for very long. I’m doing better now, but my whole body aches from the retching.  
> So. Lots of sad going on. I tried to interject that with some humour. I don’t know how well I managed it, since my brain is still a little fuzzy from the fever.  
> That was my argument about Santa when I was younger. ‘Is there a Dog Santa for our pet dogs or is it just Human Santa who delivers all the presents? How does he deliver presents to all the Ant or Fly or Bumblebee kids? They don’t get presents? That’s not fair.’  
> Mike forgetting the sadness of his situation in his half asleep state. Painful.  
> I can’t tell which is more painful actually, Mike or Joel.   
> Ghost!Jonah saying he prefers ‘Ghost Of Christmas Yet To Come’ is based on the fact that most people seem to know the third Spirit in A Christmas Carol as ‘The Ghost Of Christmas Future’, but it’s real name is ‘The Ghost Of Christmas Yet To Come’.  
> And after all this, has Kinga changed her ways?  
> Ha no.


	10. Well, I Had Amazon Prime

Joel woke up on Christmas morning and found himself wanting to sleep in an extra... day. He wasn’t looking forward to the experiment at all. He pulled the blankets up over his head. If the bots thought he was dead, would they leave him alone?

“Joel!”

“Joel!”

“Joel! Joel!”

“JoelJoelJoelJoelJoel!”

“Jooooooeeeeeeelllllll!” 

Joel quietly groaned and sat up as the blankets fell from him. “What?” 

“Happy Christmas.” Crow said. He was standing over Joel’s bed. Servo was hovering. 

“Yeah. Happy Christmas.” Joel yawned. He was tired from not having had much sleep last night. Too busy thinking about Mike. 

“It’s also Experiment Day.” Servo said. “We should think about what we’re going to do about Jonah.”

“Not now, Tom.” Joel mumbled. “I can’t do this now.” He flopped back onto the bed and pulled the blankets up. He turned over on his side. 

“But you have to.” Servo said.

“Yeah, it’s Christmas.” Crow said.

“Go away, please.” Joel mumbled.

“Come on.” Servo said. “Kinga’s getting her Christmas special come hell and high water.”

“She’ll do anything for a quick buck.” Crow added. “Or _any_ buck.” 

“Go away and leave me alone.” Joel said. 

The bots didn’t do that, however. Servo hovered up to the top of the bunk beds, which is where Crow also climbed up to. He crossed his long legs, so they wouldn’t dangle over and Joel wouldn’t see them. 

* * *

Over in Jonah’s room, Gypsum was starting out Jonah’s daily routine. According to Cambot, he’d had only two night terrors, which was pretty good going. And he hadn’t even wet himself this time. 

Gypsum brought Jonah over to the bathroom, and put him in front of the toilet to do his business. Though her coils were still wrapped around him, supporting him, she had her head turned away because she really didn’t need to see him doing his business. As long as he was reminded at certain times of the day, they could avoid accidents. It didn’t always help, but it did sometimes help. And sometimes was better than never. 

“Right, Jonah, you need to brush your teeth and trim your beard.” Gypsum said. “You can brush your teeth by yourself, but wait for me to help you with your beard.” 

“Fine.” Jonah said. With his hands still shaking, he picked up the yellow toothbrush (Joel’s was red, of course) and the toothpaste. His arm spasmed at entirely the wrong moment, sending a big blob of toothpaste exploding over the bathroom. “Oh no!” 

“Jonah, it’s fine. We can always get more toothpaste from Kinga.” 

Jonah nodded and with his least shaky hand, began to brush his teeth. Just as it had taken Gypsum three months to teach him, it took Jonah a lot longer than two minutes to brush his teeth. He was slow, but effective. His teeth were always clean at the end of it. 

It had taken Gypsum an equally long time to learn to trim Jonah’s beard. At first, she had been tempted to shave it all off, but Jonah didn’t want that. He kicked up a fuss when she tried, so she had to learn to use his beard clippers. It started out... messy. Especially thanks to hIs involuntary muscle movements and her lack of hands. But she eventually got the hang of it.

“How’s that?” Gypsum asked. 

Jonah looked at himself in the mirror. He looked just like he had before all... this happened. His beard was really the only thing he had left of that. And the jumpsuit. But the difference was that he would give _anything_ to get rid of the jumpsuit at this point to go and manage a Hot Fish Shop in Osseo Minnesota-wait, was he turning into _Joel_? 

“Fine.” Jonah said with a nod. 

“That’s good.” Gypsum said. She pulled Jonah in for a hug. “Merry Christmas, Jonah.” 

“Mer C’ushmus, Gyps.” Jonah said, hugging her back. “No stuff. Sorry.” He said. Some words came out easier than others. He knew what he wanted to say, but he couldn’t alway say it. What was it that Kinga’s doctor said? Expressive aphasia? Every now and then he would forget words. Some words had no meaning to him any more. Was that normal? What was normal any more? 

He wondered what his family were doing back on Earth. Were they celebrating without him? Did they miss him? Did they even know he was missing? Of course they did, they had Netflix, right? Did they? Does Gizmonic Institute have Netflix? Why haven’t _they_ tried finding him? Why didn’t anybody at the live tour help them? Will anybody find him or will he, the bots and now Joel be stuck up here until they finally find a way to escape or Kinga lets them go?

“Jonah, are you okay?” Gypsum asked. “Jonah?” 

“Fine.” Jonah answered. 

“Oh. Good. For a moment there, I was worried you might be having an absence seizure.” Gypsum said. “But you were just thinking, right?” 

Jonah frowned as he processed what Gypsum was saying. Then he nodded. 

“Good, good.” Gypsum said. “Well, it’s Christmas Day. It’s also Experiment Day!”

“Oh no!”

“I know. I know. So let’s get you out of your pyjamas and into your jumpsuit.” 

Jonah leaned heavily on Gypsum’s coils as they left the bathroom. Not for any ‘can’t walk properly’ related reason, but because he didn’t want to do an experiment for Kinga on Christmas Day. The idea alone made him very miserable. 

In the laundry room, Gypsum picked out a clean yellow jumpsuit, a white t-shirt and some clean underwear and socks, passing them to Jonah each time. 

After a few minutes, Joel walked in. “Don’t mind me. I’m just looking for a red jumpsuit.” He said. “Kinga said she’d shut off _my_ oxygen if I don’t wear it for the experiment today.” 

Jonah paled and his eyes went wide. He didn’t want oxygen to be cut off again. He let out a sort of whimper. 

“I wouldn’t let her do that.” Joel said. “I know my way around the Mads.” 

“Kinga’s much more depraved than Dr F ever was.” Gypsum warned. “She’s only in it for the money.”

“Well Dr F was in it for the torture of me.” Joel said. “I don’t know what Frank or Erhardt were in it for.” He found a red jumpsuit and sighed as he dragged it out of a tumble dryer. “Well, Happy Christmas, Gyps. Jonah.” He said and walked off. 

* * *

“Places everyone!” Gypsum called out! “Crow, Tom, Joel and Cambot-get to the bridge! Growler, M. Waverly, get Jonah into the theater! Hurry up!” 

There was five minutes left until showtime and everyone was running around the satellite. Servo had figured since the oxygen was turned off on the rest of the satellite while the movie was on and the easiest way for Jonah not to get cattle prodded, was for him to already be in the theater while Joel was setting up the Invention Exchange. 

“Actually, Tom, I’d like to keep Jonah here with me for our part of the exchange and while the Mads are presenting _their_ exchange, Growler and Waverly can take Jonah to the theater then.”

“Do you think there’ll be enough time?” Servo asked. 

“I hope so.” Joel said. “I really have to show him my exchange.” 

“Alright. Let’s go.” Servo hovered as quickly as he could to the bridge with Joel following close behind. Servo put his hand up before they got to the bridge however, as they could hear Crow singing Jingle Bells. “The show’s started-get out there, Joel!” Servo hissed. 

Joel walked out onto the bridge and joined Crow singing Jingle Bells. He turned to Cambot and sighed, completely in disbelief that he had to do this all over again. “Hello and welcome to the Satellite Of Love. My name is Joel Robinson and I’m stuck up here again and for goodness sake, Mike, get Netflix.” 

Crow cleared his throat as if to make a point. 

“Oh yes. These are my robot friends Crow T. Robot, Tom Servo and Gypsum... and Jonah Heston who is _not_ a robot.” Joel said. “And in the spirit of Christmas, we’re singing Christmas carols.” He turned to Servo. “Tom, would you like to choose a carol?” 

“Yes, Joel, I’d love to choose a carol.” Servo said. “ _Deck the halls with boughs of holly_ ”

As they were singing, the black tube descended and Joel didn’t notice it, while the bots did. They stopped singing when it sucked up a screaming Joel, rather than a screaming Jonah. 

“You think we should have warned him about that?” Gypsum asked. 

“Eh.” Crow said. “Probably, but it’s too late now.” 

“Poor Joel.” Servo said. “At least we’ll see him in a few minutes.” 

* * *

Joel had been dumped into Jonah’s Backjack by the tube. “What the heck?” He looked around and saw Jonah’s drumkit and various other small tokens he had in the Backjack. On the screen ahead of him, it was purple with yellow text reading; **SHOW OPEN IN PROGRESS** and in smaller writing underneath; **TRY TO HAVE FUN WITH IT** The signature? Kinga’s. 

“Mayday, mayday! We need your help!” Max’s voice. 

Now there was singing? 

“What the heck is going on?” Joel asked. 

Kinga’s voice came out of nowhere. “Just go with it, Robinson! Ugh we’re going to have to start again.”

“Start what again?” Joel asked. “What am I supposed to do?” 

“Do what Jonah did.” Kinga said. 

“What did Jonah do?”

Kinga growled. “Do you not have Netflix?” 

“No, I have Amazon Prime.” Joel said. “Well, I _had_ Amazon Prime.” 

Kinga opened the door to Jonah’s Backjack, brandishing a cattle prod. “You don’t want me to have to use this.” 

“Kinga, what’s going on?” Joel asked, this time more forcefully. 

“Kingachrome can’t record, it can only stream.” Kinga explained. “So since Jonah can’t do it, I need _you_ to do it.” 

“Do _what_?” 

“The show open.” Kinga said. “You’re in Jonah’s Backjack.”

“Yeah, I... I gathered.” Joel said. “But what I want to know is what I’m supposed to do.” 

“Do what Jonah did.” Kinga said. 

“What did Jonah do?” Joel asked. 

Kinga, without warning, jabbed the cattle prod into the back of Joel’s knee, shocking him and sending him down to the floor. 

Joel shouted out in pain and grabbed his leg. “Kinga, geez, did you _have_ to do that?”

“You weren’t co-operating.”

“I’m not co-operating because I don’t know what the heck you want me to do.” 

“Do what Jonah did!”

“I don’t know what he did!”

Kinga jabbed the cattle prod into Joel’s back as he was getting up. 

Joel fell back to the floor with a scream. “God, Kinga!” He was fuming. As he was sitting down, he saw where Kinga was about to poke next. “Nonono, Kinga please, not th-AARGH!” He screamed out again. Kinga had just shocked him in his groin.

Joel whimpered in pain. He couldn’t help but think that Dr F did many things to him, but he never cattle prodded him in the balls. Once the acute pain had subsided, Joel tried getting up again.

Kinga kept prodding Joel in various places-the ribs, the neck, the bum, even the armpit. Joel could easily see why Jonah and the bots couldn’t escape when they were on Earth. 

“Kinga, Kinga, stop!” Max ran up to Kinga, stopping her, just as she’d cattle prodded Joel’s thigh. He took the cattle prod from her. “Cattle prodding Joel isn’t going to solve anything-just get Ardy fo find one of Joel’s opens from when he was on MST3K.”

“Fine.” Kinga sighed. “Skeleton Crew, get him back up to the Satellite.” 

* * *

Joel was dumped back on the bridge, aching all over from being cattle prodded everywhere, but particularly his balls. 

“Joel, you don’t look so good.” 

“She cattle prodded me over and over.” Joel said, angrily pointing to the jet screen with Kinga and Max standing in front of the heart shaped doors. “By the way, thanks Max for taking the cattle prod from her.” 

“Should I get the burn cream?” Gypsum asked. 

“Yes.” Joel said. 

Gypsum ascended into the ceiling.

“Alright, Robinson. Invention Exchange time.” Kinga said. “What have you got for me?”

“You shocked me in my... You expect me to...” Joel shook his head. “You’re messed up, Kinga.” Joel reached under the desk and took out... something. 

“What-what is that?” Kinga asked. 

“It’s for Jonah.” Joel took Jonah’s left arm and felt as the muscles relaxed and contracted. He ran his fingers down Jonah’s forearm, just to feel the contracted muscles and concluded it must be more than an inconvenience for Jonah, that it must also be... painful. 

“It’s okay.” Joel said. He put Jonah’s arm inside the device he’d made and strapped it in. “This will stop the shaking.”

“What is that?” Kinga repeated. 

“It’s a brace.” Joel said. “It vibrates to counter Jonah’s arm movements.”

“Is that it?” Kinga asked. “Is that _seriously_ it? That’s not going to help _me_.”

“It’s going to help Jonah.” Joel said. “And people like him. People with brain damage. Parkinson’s. Cerebral palsy.” He turned a tiny switch on. “It vibrates to massage the muscles as well as providing a counter to the tremors that steadies the hand.”

Growler put a bowl of soup and a spoon in front of Jonah. “Try this.” He said, nudging the spoon towards Jonah. 

Jonah gingerly picked up the spoon, and dunked it back in the soup. He lifted it out and up to his lips with minimal spillage. Sure, the some of the soup rolled down onto his chin due to his inability to swallow properly, but he could lift the soup out of the bowl with little to no problem. And best of all, his arm didn’t hurt him nearly as bad as it did without the brace on. He looked over at Joel and wrapped his arms around him. 

“What do you think, Kinga?” Joel asked. 

Growler and M. Waverly pulled Jonah off Joel and escorted him off the bridge.

“I think it isn’t going to bring me profit.” Kinga said. 

“Is money the _only_ reason you want to do Invention Exchanges?” Joel asked. “Kinga, Invention Exchanges are a way of life at Gizmonic Institute. We do it because-“

“I’m going to stop you there. I know what Invention Exchanges are for, _nitwit_. Like you and Jonah here _and_ my father, I was once an employee of Gizmonic Institute. But then I figured, nah, this isn’t getting me anywhere, I’m going to reopen Mystery Science Theater 3000. So I did. And that’s when I kidnapped your precious little robots.” 

“Of course you did.” Joel said. “They’re here.” 

“For what it’s worth, Joel, I liked your invention.” Max said.

“Don’t get too friendly with him, Max. He’s our prisoner.” 

“What shall we do with the-“

“Forget it, Max. Just... the movie.” 

“Alright.” Max nodded. “Well, your movie today is a real stinker. I hope you like movies that have no real plot, gratuitous cameos, stock footage, tuneless singing, wooden acting and the _worst_ editing skills known to mankind.”

“Enter the nightmare fuelled world of Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny!” Kinga said with a menacing cackle and a flourish of her hands. “Flush then the movie!” 

“Movie in the hole!” On Moon 14, Ardy pulled down on a lever that sent the hot pink liquid up to the Satellite Of Love. 

“Max is the same as Frank, but he’s different and I can’t pinpoint how.” Joel said. 

“Maybe it’s because Max is the biggest suckup since Dr Erhardt and not even Frank was as bad.” Servo suggested. 

“Did they ever find out what happened to Dr Erhardt?” Joel asked. 

“Oh yeah.” Crow said. “He’s-“

Crow didn’t get to finish his sentence as they were all interrupted by flashing lights and an alarm on the bridge. 

“Movie sign!”

“We’ve got movie sign!” 

And just like that, Joel, Crow and Servo scattered. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright. Full disclosure. I really hate Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny. If I could get rid of one thing, it wouldn’t be poverty or nuclear weapons, it would be Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny.  
> Joel and Jonah both of them are having the worst Christmas. At least Kinga’s having fun.  
> And to everyone reading this, I’d like to wish you a Merry Christmas... if that’s okay.


	11. Human Legs Don’t Do That

He was only five minutes into the movie and Joel felt like killing someone. Kinga would be a good person to start with. The nonsense of the movie and the tuneless singing was already giving him an actual headache. He closed his eyes and tried to block out the pain. He knew the Mads couldn’t see if he was actually watching for a few minutes. 

“Oh this song is sucking the life _right_ out of me.” Servo said. 

“And what the heck’s going on with Santa’s hands there?” Crow asked. “He’s not conducting an orchestra, he’s singing on his own.”

“I’m glad that’s over. I’ve never heard such tuneless singing.” Servo said. 

“Even Mike was better than that.” Crow added. 

Joel opened his eyes to see Santa sitting down on his sleigh with his head in his hand. 

Gypsum descended from the ceiling carrying a box. She set the box down on the floor and out popped M. Waverly.

“You could set yourself free, Santa!” Gypsum said. “Oh wait, never mind. He fell asleep.” 

“Wait, what?” Joel muttered. _Gypsum_ was riffing now?

“Hey, Santa, try telepathically calling out for help!” M. Waverly said. 

“No, not to kids!” Growler said. 

“Alright, I’m tragically lost here.” Joel said. 

“Yeah, and so is Santa!” Growler said, eliciting chuckles from Servo and Crow. 

“So those kids are all going to go and help Santa, even though they don’t know where he is?” Joel asked. 

“And those three girls don’t even get names.” Servo said. 

“This is worse than Manos.” Joel said. 

* * *

Mike woke up on Joel’s bedroom floor with the sickening realisation that Joel was missing. For a few glorious seconds, he thought everything would be alright and as it was before. But it wasn’t. He knew that. He was crashing in an empty house. Was he technically squatting? Or was it okay because he had a key and there were framed pictures of him all around the house? 

Mike knew he wasn’t going to be able to afford the mortgage and bills on Joel’s house if Joel stayed missing and that Joel’s Hot Fish Shop would have to find a new manager. All of this would be gone. It would be like Joel never existed. As if he’d died. But what if he was dead and they just hadn’t found the body?

He pushed himself up off the floor and dragged himself to the bathroom. No matter how worried he was about Joel, he didn’t want to miss out on putting posters up because he was in the ICU with an exploded bladder. 

* * *

After the movie, Joel simply put his hands on the desk, hung his head and sighed. 

“You okay, Joel?” Crow asked. 

“Come on, Joel, we survived Manos, Mac and Me, Monster A Go-Go, Red Zone Cuba, Hamlet, Cry Wilderness-“

“I’ve only forcibly seen Manos and Monster A Go-Go, Tom.” Joel said. 

“You’ve _willingly_ seen the others?” Crow asked. 

“Not willingly, but not forcibly either.” Joel said.

“Well, now we’ve survived... whatever _that_ mess was.” Servo said. 

“Well this is easily the worst Christmas I’ve ever had.” Joel said. He lifted his head. “But you’re right. We survived it and we didn’t lose our minds.”

Everyone muttered in agreement. 

“So take _that_ , Kinga.” Joel said. “You tried to show us the worst movie. You succeeded there. But we watched it and we’re still sane. Because despite you being a Forrester, we’re made of stronger stuff than you are.”

“Oh whatever, Robinson.” Kinga snarled. “We’ll be back. And we’ll send you worse movies. Because that’s the whole point of what we’re doing. Your pathetic tiny minds may not have broken _this_ time... but it’s only a matter of time. Because even if I have to do another Gauntlet...” She said with a menacing flourish of her hands. “Your minds will break. And all that sweet Disney cash will be mine.” 

“Push the button, Max.” 

The screen went dark. 

“Oh man am I glad that’s over.” Servo said. “Happy Christmas, guys. I’ll be in my room.” He hovered off the bridge. 

“Joel, are you okay?” Crow asked. 

“I hated that movie and I never want to see it again.” Joel said. “But besides that and the burns I received from all that cattle prodding, yes, I’m okay.”

“How _are_ your burns?” Crow asked. 

“Not gonna lie, Crow, I think I need medical attention.” Joel said. “I was shocked in my knee, my thigh, my back, my neck, my ribs, my armpit and my groin.” 

“Ow.” Crow said.

“Yeah, ow.” Joel nodded. 

“Joel, would you like me to look over your injuries?” Gypsum asked. 

“If you wouldn’t mind, Gyps.” Joel said. 

“I’ll watch Jonah.” M. Waverly said. 

Joel had almost forgotten that Jonah and M. Waverly were even there. “No, no.” Joel said. “Just all of you stay here together. It’s Christmas. We don’t have any presents, but we have each other.” 

“Oh no.” Crow said. “You just ruined Christmas for me.”

“Don’t start anything until I come back.” Joel said. He walked off the bridge accompanied by Gypsum overhead. 

“I can see the burn on your neck, Joel.” Gypsum said. “It’s really blotchy and red.” 

Joel lifted his hand and touched it, wincing in pain. It was very sore and hurt a lot, despite being relatively superficial. 

“Don’t worry, we’ll get some burn cream on that.” Gypsum said. 

They stopped outside a room on the other side of the satellite and Gypsum pushed it open with her head. “Go on.” 

Joel walked in and the lights came on. Judging by the gurney in the corner of the room and all the medical equipment strewn around, this had to be the first aid room. He took a few steps into the room and looked closer at this one piece of medical equipment. It looked fairly sophisticated with the tubes, the screen and the buttons, knobs, switches and gauges. He wasn’t sure what it did, but at the same time, he was sure he’d seen it before. He ran his fingers down the snakelike coils of the clear tubing. 

“Joel.” Gypsum said gently. “Forget about that, it’s not for you.”

“What is that, Gyps?” Joel asked. 

“It doesn’t matter.” Gypsum said, looking away from it. 

Whatever it was, it was clearly a sore point. “Gyps, are you okay?” 

“I’m fine.” Gypsum said in a tone that suggested she was less than fine. “We’re here to treat your burns.” 

“It’s okay. You don’t have to tell me.” Joel said. 

Gypsum nodded. “Can you take your jumpsuit off, please?” She asked. “I need to look at your burns.” 

Joel nodded and unzipped his jumpsuit, exposing his t-shirt. He sat down on the gurney and kicked his shoes off, pulling the jumpsuit down his legs. It felt strange to have a full jumpsuit once again since when he was on the SOL, he enjoyed the free feeling that came with having the legs cut off to his knee. It allowed for more freer inventing, without the worry that something was going to get trapped in an invention or caught on fire. How Mike and now Jonah did it with a full jumpsuit, he would never know. 

“Joel, I need you to take your t-shirt off too.” Gypsum said. 

“Oh right.” Joel pulled his t-shirt up and over his head. It was white, so he could easily see the scorch marks where Kinga shocked him. “I’m not taking my underwear off.” He said. 

“Why would you do that?” Gypsum asked, examining the burn on his back. 

“Because Kinga shocked there.” 

“Oh my. Maybe I should look-“

“Gypsum!” Joel shrunk down in embarrassment. He was already showing her his fifty-nine year old man physique. His dad bod. He didn’t need a bot that he created and had fatherly inclinations towards, to look directly at his man parts.

“Joel, burns to the hands, face and genitals are the ones that need the most urgent medical attention.”

Joel sighed. He knew she was right. “Fine. But focus on the currently exposed burns for now before I strip down to nothing.” 

Gypsum went back to examining the burn on Joel’s back. She was sure that there was a blister there, but couldn’t tell for certain. She picked up a cotton swab in her jaws and lightly touched it. 

Joel hissed in pain and winced slightly. “Can you warm me if you’re going to touch them please, Gyps?” 

“Sorry Joel.” Gypsum mumbled, still holding the cotton swab. She set it down on the table. “Your back’s blistered. It’s not ‘call a doctor’ bad, but it’s still ‘I’m going to need to put some burn cream on it or you won’t be sleeping tonight’ bad.”

“Is Kinga always like this?” Joel asked. To make Gypsum’s job easier, he smeared the burn cream on a fresh cotton swab and handed it to her. 

Gypsum spread the cream on the burn on Joel’s lower back and handed the swab back. “Oh, I mean... she’s shocked Jonah a few times.”

That explains how Gypsum knew what to do for cattle prod induced injures. “When you say ‘a few times’...?”

“More than a few.” Gypsum clarified. 

“Geez.” Joel sighed. 

“She’s always punching Max. Threatening everyone else. Just... she’s too entitled.” Gypsum said. “Her first solution was to shock Jonah out of his coma. It didn’t work, of course. It just messed with...” 

“Messed with what, Gyps?” Joel asked, gently. 

“Kinga sent her doctor and a few Boneheads up here. Jonah lay where you’re sitting and he was totally unconscious. He wasn’t breathing.”

“A machine did it for him?” Joel asked. “That one?” He pointed at the thing he was looking at earlier. He’d realised where he’d seen it before and he’d seen it before because once upon a time, twenty years ago, one of those tubes had been shoved down his own throat. “It’s a ventilator, isn’t it?”

Gypsum nodded. “I didn’t know how scary it was for someone you care about to suddenly not respond to anything. He just lay there, not doing anything, but that was the scariest part. Growler seemed to take it in his stride. Waverly kept the satellite running. But Crow suddenly seemed to be in denial about everything and we just wouldn’t see Tom for hours. And it went on for days. Eleven days, Joel, until Jonah started opening his eyes and responding. It wasn’t consistent, but he was getting there. We _really_ thought we would have Jonah back. Until...”

“Until you didn’t.” Joel nodded. “Oh, Gyps, I’m so sorry. I’m sorry for all of you. Nobody deserves to see their friend, their companion, go through anything like that.”

“We had each other, Joel.” Gypsum said. “And now we have you.”

“It would be perfect if we had Mike.” Joel said. “And we were back on Earth.” 

“Yeah.” Gypsum agreed. “Now come on, I still need to tend to the rest of your burns.”

* * *

Mike had stapled more ‘Missing’ flyers to telephone poles and taped to streetlights than he cared to count. He knew how many though, since he’d printed out five hundred copies and still had three hundred left at Joel’s house and another fifty in his bag. The cold stung his face more than ever and his head was throbbing, but he wasn’t going to give up on his best friend-Joel would be doing it for him, after all. 

Mike missed Joel more than anything-except maybe the bots. He took an aspirin and a bottle of water from his bag, hoping it would alleviate the headache somewhat, so he could get on with his task. 

But his mind wandered. He couldn’t stop it. He thought about Dr F knocking him out and shooting him into space, which is where he could pinpoint the headaches starting. He thought about the first time he met Joel aboard the SOL. He thought about the second time he met Joel, back on Earth and neither of them were wearing their jumpsuits. And he thought about the time Joel called him on as a temp worker at the Hot Fish Shop. 

* * *

Mike had woken up that day at five in the morning, thanks to Crow and Tom having a screeching argument. Cambot was over at Joel’s, which was the last place Mike expected a phone call from. 

“Joel, what’s up?” Mike asked as the two robots bickered in the kitchen over who had the last slice of Eddie’s birthday cake. 

“ _Oh nothing much, Mike_.” Joel said on the other side of the line. 

“Look, I get the feeling you didn’t call to check up on the bots.” Mike said. “Are you okay? Is there anything I can do for you?” 

“ _Well, there is something, actually_.” Joel said. 

“Shoot.” 

“ _Look, I had an accident yesterday, at work_.” 

“Did you cut your thumb off or something?” Mike asked, worried about what the answer might be.

“ _No. I uh..._ ” Joel cleared his throat. “ _Mike, I slipped at work and broke my wrist._ ” 

“What?” Mike asked in disbelief.

“ _I got my arm in a sling now, waiting for the swelling to go down so they can put a cast on it. So you know, I can’t do much_.” Joel explained. “ _And I’ve got a lot to do_.”

“You want me to help.” 

“ _I’ll pay you_.” 

“Joel...” Mike rubbed the back of his neck. “You need to go through my temp agency for that.” 

“ _Oh I forgot you’re a temp_!” Joel giggled. 

“Joel, buddy, are you... are you high?” Mike asked. 

“ _Yeah, they got me on the good stuff_.” Joel said. 

“Where are you right now?” 

“ _I’m at the hospital_.” 

“You’re at the hospital?!” Mike couldn’t stop himself from blurting it out, but it got the attention of the two bots. 

“Who’s in the hospital, Mike?” 

“Yeah, who?” 

Mike put his hand over his phone’s receiver. “Joel.” He mouthed. 

“Joel’s in the hospital?!” Crow shouted.

“He’s dying! He’s dying! He’s dying!” Servo cried out. 

“I’m sorry, Joel, can you hang on a sec?” Mike said. Again, he put his hand over the receiver. “Joel’s fine, guys. He’s just a bit hurt-“

“Come on, ‘a bit hurt’ isn’t ‘fine’, Mike.” Servo said. 

“Yeah, what if he’s been mauled by a dog and needs stitches because his nose got ripped off?” Crow asked. 

“That’s ‘badly hurt’, Crow and he hasn’t-“

“What if he caught his leg in a wood chipper and it got cut off and he’s just bleeding all over the place and his leg never grows back?” Servo asked. “Because human legs don’t do that.”

“That’s ‘seriously hurt’ and you shouldn’t worry because Joel’s not near any wood chippers-“

“What if he was crossing the road and got hit by a truck and broke every bone in his body so he needs a full body cast and you have to take care of him?” Crow asked. 

“Well, now you’re just being ridiculous.” Mike said. 

“So you wouldn’t take care of him?” Crow folded his long arms in a way that only Crow could. 

“He fell over and broke his wrist.” Mike said. “You can talk to him, if you want.” He handed the receiver over to the robots and Crow snatched it. 

“Joel! Joel! Joel!” The robots chanted.

“Are you okay?” Servo asked. 

“Did you get your nose eaten off by a dog?” 

“Did you lose your leg in a wood chipper accident?”

“Did you break all your bones being hit by a truck?”

Mike could hear Joel’s reply.

“ _No, no, none of those things_.” Joel said. “ _I just had a little accident at work, is all, and I broke my wrist_.” 

“Oh.” Crow said. 

“ _You sound disappointed that I didn’t get my nose ripped off by a dog_.”

“It would be cool, you’d look like Voldemort.” 

“That’s why it _wouldn’t_ be cool, Crow.” Servo said. “Who wants to go around looking like Voldemort? Joel is nice. Voldemort is not.” 

“So it would be cooler for him to lose his leg in a wood chipper accident?” 

“He would be part robot then.” Servo said. 

“ _I want to keep all my body parts on me for now though, boys._ ” Joel said. 

“Are you up for breaking every bone in your body then, Joel?” Crow asked hopefully.

“ _I think a weekend long repeat doubleheader of Manos and Monster A Go-Go would be less painful than that sounds_.” Joel said. “ _And more interesting than being stuck in a hospital bed again_.” 

“But when you break a bone, it grows back stronger-you could have superpowers, Joel.”

“ _Then I’m happy having one super powered wrist._ ” Joel said. 

“Will we be able to see you in the hospital, Joel?” Servo asked. 

“ _No, because I’m going home this afternoon_.” Joel said. “ _I’m not badly hurt. It’s just three little bones_.”

“Well, okay.” Crow said sceptically.

“ _Can you pass me back to Mike, now_?” Joel asked. 

Crow reluctantly handed the receiver back to Mike. He and Servo went back to the kitchen to continue their argument. 

“Robots.” Mike chuckled. “Can’t live with them.” 

“ _Can’t live without them_.” Joel said. “ _So, Mike... will you help me_?”

“I’ll see what I can do, Joel. No guarantees.” Mike said. 

“ _I know there was a reason I chose you to be my best friend_.” 

“Oh there’s a reason alright.” Mike said. “Alright. I’ll pack my things and Tom and Crow’s and we’ll head out to Osseo. If we head out soon enough, we’ll get there later today.” 

“ _I’ll see you later then, Mike Nelson_.” 

“You sure will, Joel Robinson.” 

And with that, Mike hung up the phone. 

* * *

Mike sat down on a bench and put his still aching head in his gloved hands. The sun was setting and he needed to be doing more to find Joel. Wait, what was the time? Didn’t he promise dinner with Mr and Mrs Cooper? He took out his iPhone and saw the time as being almost four in the afternoon. Why did Joel have to go missing? Where did he go? Who took him? 

Mike was worried he’d never get the answers. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here, have some Christmas angst. And a bit of fluff. Followed by some more angst.  
> Was Joel just not wanting to get back into riffing movies or did he just suffer as a result of being cattle prodded? Both?  
> I tried to include some of the riffing. If you’ve seen that movie-or YouTube or or whatever-you should see or know where they’re supposed to fit in.  
> Manos, Monster A Go-Go, Mac and Me, Red Zone Cuba, Hamlet and Cry Wilderness are among the worst films I think MST3K has served up. But at least they made Mac and Me watchable. In contrast, I’ve only sat through the MST3K Red Zone Cuba only once. Despite strong riffing and host segments, they just couldn’t save it.  
> Poor Joel has minor electrical burns all over from Kinga’s abuse. She did the Christmas Carol thing and didn’t learn her lesson. Ah well. Eternal damnation it is for her, then.  
> Gypsum’s finally opening up to Joel. And it’s angsty.  
> A first hint that Mike did not escape unscathed from being knocked unconscious and shot up in space by Dr Forrester and TV’s Frank.  
> A fluffy flashback to ten years ago.  
> And back to depressing reality for poor Mike, who doesn’t know what else to do. But don’t worry too much for him-in the next chapter is where he gets his first clue.


	12. I Have A Joel Robinson To Find

On the SOL’s bridge, the purple light on the desk began flashing. 

“Huh, that’s weird.” Crow said. 

Jonah reached over for it slowly and touched it, causing the screen to light up. 

On the screen, was a smartly dressed woman with brown curly hair and thick owl-y glasses standing in Moon 13, in front of the heart shaped doors. A few Boneheads walked in the background. 

“Merry Christmas.” She said.

“Dr Donna!” Crow said happily. “Jonah would love to see you! He’s drooling over you! Yes, it’s over, _you_ , it is absolutely, unequivocally, categorically _not_ the brain damage.”

Jonah frowned at the woman, unable to place her. 

“Hello, Jonah.” Donna said. “I got you a present.”

“He’s just ogling you, Dr Donna. Don’t take it personally.” Crow said.

“I don’t know.” Donna said. “It doesn’t look like it.” 

Jonah pointed at the screen. “Who it?” He asked in his usual slurry way of speaking. 

On the screen, Donna gasped and looked panic stricken over at Jonah. 

Crow simply chuckled awkwardly. “Come on, Jonah. It’s not funny to pretend you don’t know people.” 

“But, Crow... he might actually _not_ know her.” M. Waverly said. 

“I know her. You know her. He knows her.” Crow said. 

“But-“

“There is no buts, you little idiot. Jonah knows her.”

Truth was, Jonah had forgotten a lot of things. He’d forgotten he was up on the Satellite Of Love-but those memories were coming back. He’d forgotten Crow and Tom Servo and Gypsum and Cambot-or at least their names. He’d forgotten M. Waverly and Growler-or at least that he’d made them. He’d forgotten Kinga. Max. The experiment. The movie he was forced to watch earlier. He knew he had been. But did he remember a single thing about it? Not a snowball’s chance in Florida.

He remembered working for Gizmonic Institute. He remembered Joel Robinson, the guy who was shot up into space by two evil scientists, was forced to watch bad movies and escaped, crash landing in the Australian outback. As far as Jonah knew, it was just a story. But he personally knew Joel now. So it wasn’t _just_ a story; it was a _true_ story. 

On the screen, Donna was frantically talking with Max. 

“Jonah... do you really not remember her?” Crow asked. 

Jonah shrugged. He didn’t remember her. But at the same time, he kind of did. 

Crow looked away from Jonah. Everyone kept saying there were problems with Jonah. But Crow kind of thought-no, he knew, but he just _hoped_ that they would resolve themselves. That Jonah would be okay, back to normal. No seizures. No tremors. No jerky movements. No looking or sounding like he was drunk. But that wouldn’t happen. And although he was a molybdenum robot, he could swear he felt his heart sinking at that realisation. 

Donna appeared on the bridge after the tube dropped her out. “Jonah?” She said. She picked up a wrapped present and stood up. “Merry Christmas.”

Jonah frowned. He _should_ know this lady. But he just couldn’t place her. 

“Jonah, you know Dr Donna.” Crow said. 

“Yeah, she went on tour with us because Kinga decreed it.” Growler said. 

“I’m still thinking that Kinga forced her somehow.” M. Waverly said. 

“Oh no, Waverly.” Donna said. “Kinga and I are old... acquaintances. That is to say we knew each other in college.”

“How did you end up working for her?” Crow asked. “I thought you were kidnapped, like we were.” 

“I was.” Donna confirmed with a nod. “She hired me for that tour and didn’t let me go.” 

Joel walked onto the bridge with Gypsum overhead. He was wearing his white t-shirt with the scorch marks and his red jumpsuit as pants, tied around his waist at the arms. 

“Who’s this?” He asked. 

“Oh, Joel, this is Dr Donna.” Crow said. “She’s a B movie monster specialist and she’s Jonah’s lady friend.”

“Hello, you must be Joel Robinson.” Donna put her hand out. “I’m one of Kinga’s kidnap victims too.”

Joel shook Donna’s hand. “How many kidnap victims does she have?” 

“I think the only person who willingly works for her is Max.” Donna replied. 

“I don’t know why, but that doesn’t surprise me.” Joel sighed.

“How are you? I heard Kinga electrocuted you?” 

“Oh I wouldn’t say that. She just poked me a few times with a cattle prod.” 

“At _your_ age?” 

“I’m not _that_ old. I’m not even sixty yet.” Joel complained. 

Donna moved over towards Jonah, who was looking at her curiously. She handed the present over to Jonah.

“It’s for you.” She said. 

“Jonah, are you okay?” M. Waverly asked. 

“Who it?” Jonah asked. 

“You _know_ who it is.” Crow said. “It’s Dr Donna.” 

“Doctor... Do...nna?” Jonah said slowly. He frowned and cocked his head slightly.

“Before this happened, Jonah, you had a raging crush on her.” Crow said. “And she did on you.”

Donna took a napkin from her pocket and wiped the spit from Jonah’s mouth and chin. “He’s still a big cutie.” She said. Standing up on tiptoes, she gave him a quick peck on the lips. 

“Eew.”

“Gross.” 

“Hey, hey, that’s Jonah’s girlfriend.” Joel said. “She can kiss him if she wants.” 

Donna blushed. “Oh no, no, I’m not his girlfriend.” She said. “I could have been. But I’m not.” 

“What she means is that they went on some dates.” Crow said. “They kissed. They assembled some Ikea furniture. And now Jonah has Dr Donna Amnesia.”

Assembled Ikea furniture...? Joel frowned trying to wonder whether that was a euphemism or not... and when he realised it _was_ , his face flushed bright red.

“Crow, it’s rude to talk about peoples’ um, well, their _personal_ lives.” Joel said. 

“But we talk about you and Mike all the time.” Crow said. 

“Jonah’s different.” Joel said. He looked over at Donna, who was standing awkwardly and looking away from the robots. Joel couldn’t say he blamed her. He wouldn’t like to be in her position if Crow started talking about his sexual partners in front of her. Or lack thereof. 

“Why?” 

“Because... I’ll tell you later.” Joel said. He cleared his throat. He’d have to talk with the bots about why it was unacceptable to talk about who was having sex with who. “Oh look, your netting’s loose.” He said, noticing that Jonah and Donna needed to be alone.

“It is?” Crow fumbled his claws over his head. 

“It sure is.” Joel said. “Come on. Let’s go fix it. Come on, Waverly, Growler and Cambot, I might need your help too.” 

Joel pushed Crow off the bridge and the other robots followed, leaving Jonah and Donna alone. 

Jonah looked at her. His vision may have been half blacked out, but he still thought she was really pretty. Her kind smile. Her unruly hair. The way her eyes looked behind those large framed glasses. 

But with the way he was now, he didn’t stand a chance with her. Not that he was thinking about that, no way! He wasn’t thinking about getting into her pants-but if he got into her pants before, maybe he could do it again-no! Not with how he was. She wouldn’t want that. She was too pretty and amazing and... _perfect_. He was just a pathetic _wreck_. Damaged goods. A zero. 

“Are you going to open your present?” Donna asked. 

Jonah looked down at the desk. He’d completely forgotten there was a present. How was he going to open it with his hands being all shaky and jerky? 

Donna seemed to understand Jonah’s concerns. She put her hands over his, marvelling at how big his hands were compared to hers. She shuffled around and with her hands, helped Jonah to open the present. 

“I thought you might like it.” She said. “I remember when we were on tour together, you mentioned that Rowlf the Dog was your favourite Muppet.” 

Jonah looked down at the t-shirt and the Rowlf figurine. He didn’t know what to say-a common occurrence these days-but he was really at a loss for words. He knew deep down that he knew this woman, but he didn’t know how or who she was. But he wanted to know her. As long as she wasn’t like Kinga. 

He wiped the drool away with the sleeve of his jumpsuit, before bending down to kiss Donna as she’d kissed him. It ended up being messier than anticipated as their faces smashed into each other, but he didn’t pull back, even as his nose crunched up against hers, making it harder for him to breathe. His heart was racing. He wanted this. 

Donna wanted it too. She put her arms around Jonah’s neck, pulling him down deeper into the kiss. She stopped and pulled back for a breath before going right back into the kiss. Her face was flushing. She felt it. She felt the adrenaline coursing through her blood, like Jonah was some kind of... forbidden fruit. He had brain damage, sure. But she still had feelings for him. Deep feelings. 

Jonah suddenly pulled back and looked away. 

“Jonah.” Donna said, catching her breath. “What’s wrong?” 

He shook his head and pointed at her with his braced up hand. “P-p-pretty.” He said. He tapped himself on the chest. “Not good.” He said. “Bro-ken.”

“Jonah, you _aren’t_ broken.” Donna said. “You’re still good.” 

Jonah shook his head again. She deserved so much better than him. He still barely knew who she was. Why did he kiss her? _Why_?

“Look at me.” Donna said.

Jonah obliged and looked at her with his big puppy dog eyes, though only one stayed focused on her. 

“You are a kind man. A talented inventor. And you’re good with the B movie monsters. They like you. So I like you. You need to like yourself. You’re worthy of love, Jonah Heston. Don’t let your condition make you think otherwise.” Donna put her hand on Jonah’s. 

Jonah looked down at her hand on his. Maybe he could get to know her again. But once she saw his messy eating and fussy toileting habits... she would back out. Nobody wants to clean their potential romantic partner’s poop up. 

He looked up and tapped Donna’s hand to get her attention. 

“What is it?” Donna asked. 

“Tube.” Jonah replied, pointing upwards. 

“What-“ Donna began, but it was too late as she was sucked up the tube, screaming. 

Jonah was alone on the bridge for a minute or so, until Gypsum descended again from the ceiling. 

“I’ve set up Christmas dinner, if you want some, Jonah.” She said. 

“Kay.” Jonah nodded. 

* * *

On Moon 13, the Boneheads were happily celebrating Christmas in the dining hall, though being beings created by Kinga, they had no idea what it was actually for or about, only that it was supposed to be a happy day worth celebrating. 

“What did you get off Max?” 

“The same thing that everyone else got. Shower gel.” 

“At least he _actually_ bothered.” A female Bonehead said. “Kinga didn’t even.” 

“Kinga’s got more miserable in the last few months.” 

“Do you think she feels remorse?” 

“I don’t think she’s capable of that, given that she electrocuted that other guy earlier.”

“What do you think it-“

“Sh! Sh!” The female Bonehead cut across. “She’s here.” 

Kinga walked through the room, glaring at the group of four Boneheads sitting at the table. They, in turn, glared right back at her. They didn’t notice Max also in the room.

“Kinga.” Max said. “Did you have to do that to Donna?” 

“I did what I had to.” Kinga said. “She shouldn’t have been up on the Satellite to begin with.”

“It’s _Christmas_.” Max said. “The time of giving and showing goodwill towards all men-that _includes_ the disabled ones.” 

“Donna is our prisoner here too.” Kinga said. “You can’t go giving the prisoners what they want. That literally goes against the definition of the word ‘prisoner’, Max!”

“It’s Christmas!” Max protested.

“I don’t care if it’s their last day on Earth (don’t say it) you are _not_ to give them what they want. I want them to answer my every whim. If you answer theirs, they will get cocky and say ‘no’ to me. Do I make myself clear?” Kinga said threateningly. 

Max cleared his throat. “Crystal.” He winced, knowing what was coming. 

Kinga pulled her fist back and let it go, colliding into Max’s face, knocking him down to the floor. “No more fraternising with the prisoners!” She hollered.

All the Boneheads had stopped what they were doing to look at Kinga. 

“What are you looking at?!” Kinga shouted. 

The Boneheads quickly looked away from Kinga and back at each other. 

Kings stamped her feet angrily as she walked out of the dining hall. 

One of the Boneheads went to check on Max, who was still lying sprawled out on his back. “He’s still breathing.” The Bonehead declared. “But he’s going to have a black eye. And probably a concussion.”

* * *

Mike dumped the flyers on Joel’s kitchen table and sat down. He didn’t expect to find Joel today, but he desperately wanted his best friend home for Christmas. The last Christmas he’d spent without Joel was in 1998. A full twenty-one years ago. He didn’t know if he could do it and his headache was getting worse and his emotions were going overdrive and he just didn’t know what to do!

*BANG*

A stack of three hundred and fifty flyers fell down to the ground, scattering all over the floor. Out of frustration, Mike had pushed them over. 

He pushed his chair away from the table, grabbed his key and went out the front door. He walked down the path (he needed badly to shovel that) as the snow kept falling. It was the midwest, of course the snow would keep falling. He grew up expecting white Christmases and getting them. 

His mind wandered to Christmas snowball fights with Joel and the bots. Even when they were out of their thirties, into their forties and firmly in their fifties, they would always have a snowball fight. He remembered when Joel first started to wear glasses, he threw a snowball and it hit Joel’s face, wedging itself in between Joel’s eye and his glasses. Mike had laughed so hard at that but poor Joel had a black eye. 

He remembered the Christmas they’d all spent in Wisconsin and they took the bots sledding. Gypsum had come along too. Crow crashed his sled into a car which had been driving at the bottom of the hill. He’d come out of that with nothing but his hands and bowling pin a bit messed up, so Joel had to replace them. Crow was really more happy to have an upgrade to functional hands that he forgot that Mike had caused the crash to begin with. 

Mike stopped outside the door of the elderly Coopers, but he couldn’t bring himself to knock on the door. He had to do it. He needed someone to talk about Joel to. And something took over him and he found himself knocking on the door. 

Mr Cooper answered it. “Hello, Mike.” He said. “Have you been crying?”

That was when Mike had become aware of it. He _had_ been crying. “Yeah, I just...” He couldn’t think of anything else to say, so he left it there. 

Mr Cooper nodded in understanding. 

Mrs Cooper shuffled over to the door. “Mike, hello. Won’t you come in, dear?” 

“Thanks, Mrs Cooper.” Mike said, taking tiny steps inside. 

Mr Cooper shut the door after him. “Would you like a cup of tea? Coffee? A hot chocolate, perhaps?” 

“I-I just need to talk about Joel.” Mike said. “I’m really scared that he might be dead.” 

“Of course, Mike dear, you’re always welcome to talk about Joel.” Mrs Cooper said. “I was surprised to hear from Ernie that Joel is missing.” 

“Yeah.” Mike nodded. 

“Oh dear.” Mrs Cooper said. “Come on into the living room. It’s nice and warm in there.” 

“Thanks.” Mike said as Mr Cooper led him to the living room. 

“Let me take your coat, Mike dear.” Mrs Cooper said. 

“No, it’s fine, Mrs Cooper.” Mike said. He took off his coat and carried it. 

“Okay, well, sit down anywhere.” Mr Cooper said. 

Mike sat down on the sofa and draped his coat over his knee. It was rather warm in the Coopers’ living room. Christmas cards decorated the mantelpiece and along strings on the walls. Tinsel was draped over the mirror, the TV and a few photo frames and a Christmas tree sat in the corner of the room, lights blinking gently. It looked festive as opposed to Joel’s house. 

“Merry Christmas, Mike.” Mr Cooper said. 

“Merry Christmas.” Mike said. 

“Mike dear.” Mrs Cooper sat down next to Mike and put her hands on his. “I truly am sorry to hear about Joel. He was always such a friendly man. Oh but he just wasn’t the same after those little robots of his went missing.” 

“They were my friends too.” Mike said. 

“Of course they were, Mike.” Mrs Cooper said. 

“I remember when Joel moved in next door.” Mr Cooper said. “He was a lot younger then. In his thirties. Very tanned. Never said where he’d been or what he’d been doing. You’re a lot the same, Mike.” 

“I, uh, I’m a temp.” Mike said. “I’d like a full time job, but nothing’s really taken up my interest to want to do it for the next... well, ten years now.” He did have a tendency to forget his age sometimes and forget that he was closer to the retirement age than he thought he was. He wasn’t that thirty-something trapped on the Satellite Of Love forced to watch terrible movies any more. Although this headache was Dr F’s fault. 

“There’s nothing wrong with temp work.” 

“I know that, Mr Cooper.” Mike sighed. He couldn’t say what _really_ happened to him and Joel. If Mr Cooper didn’t know, he didn’t know. He still had people come up to him sometimes to talk about Mystery Science Theater 3000, but it happened a lot less now, thankfully, as did the talking on the street, since most people only cared about their phones. But at least he was able to explain away the gap in his CV and find more temp work. 

Joel, on the other hand, was far more reluctant to talk about what he’d been through. Outwardly, it looked as if he’d taken everything in his stride, but Mike knew it had affected Joel much more than he’d care to admit. Joel had often said the best things to come from that experiment were the bots. And they were gone. And so was Joel. 

“You’re welcome to stay for Christmas dinner, Mike dear.” Mrs Cooper said, patting Mike on the shoulder. “Ernie’s making a turkey.” 

“That’s really nice, thanks Mr and Mrs Cooper.” Mike fumbled in the pockets of his coat, looking for his phone. He found it, as well as a stray Missing poster. 

Mrs Cooper took the missing poster from Mike and looked at it. “Have you called any hospitals?” She asked.

Mr Cooper nodded in agreement. “Yes, I recall that Joel went missing once before-before he knew you, I’m sure. There was a search for him for at least a week before he turned up in a hospital in Wisconsin with a fractured skull after a car crash.” 

Mike frowned thoughtfully. He hadn’t thought to check any hospitals _outside_ of Minnesota. Maybe that would be something to consult with the police once he got back to Madison. But he wasn’t planning on making the four hour drive any time soon. 

“Do you mind if we hold onto this, Mike dear?” Mrs Cooper asked, regarding the flyer.

“Uh, no. Not at all.” Mike said. He’d planned on posting as many as he could through letterboxes anyway. Even though Joel lived in a small town, Mike would still have to make more flyers for that. Another reason he couldn’t make the trip back home to Madison.

Mrs Cooper nodded and took out a file from a cupboard. 

Mike couldn’t help but look over as curiosity got the better of him. Inside the file was various ‘missing’ posters and flyers. For cats. Dogs. People. As Mrs Cooper leafed through the ‘missing’ folder, Mike noticed something that caused his blood to run cold. 

“Mrs Cooper, can I have a look at that flyer please?” 

“Certainly you can, Mike dear.” Mrs Cooper carefully took the flyer out of the pile. “Do you recognise him?” 

Mike took the paper and nodded. The photo of the missing man was clear. He was wearing a yellow Gizmonic Institute jumpsuit. It couldn’t be a coincidence that Joel used to work for Gizmonic Institute and then was shot up into space. Then Mike temped at Gizmonic Institute and was shot up into space. And now this young man went missing from Gizmonic Institute. Mike had a sickening feeling that he too, had been shot into space. And that maybe, just maybe, that it had happened to Joel too. Again. 

“I’m sorry, I have to go.” Mike said. He stood up and grabbed his coat, keeping hold of the flyer. 

“Mike, are you okay?” Mr Cooper asked. 

“I think I know where this Jonah Heston guy is.” Mike said. 

“Is he in Wisconsin?” 

“You wouldn’t believe it if I told you.” Mike hurried out of the room and put his coat back on. He shoved the flyer into his pocket. “Thank you so much for your hospitality and keeping me company... but I have a Joel Robinson to find.”

There was a reason it looked like Joel had vanished off the face of the earth and if Mike’s suspicions proved to be correct, it was because he had. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some Jonah and Dr Donna romance. I’m hopeless at writing romance, being aromantic and all. But I have kissed people and draw my experiences from that.  
> Hiring Dr Donna for the live tour and not letting her go is something I wouldn’t be surprised if Kinga did. So Dr Donna is another of Kinga’s victims.  
> By now you’ve probably gathered that this is an AU where Joel didn’t go on the live tour.  
> Jonah knows the story of Joel because he thought it MST3K was a story. It is not. At least not in his world.  
> Kinga absolutely did not learn the Christmas Carol lesson. I toyed with having her learn it, but thought back to the ending of Yongary and thought ‘nah, she wouldn’t learn it’.  
> Mike. Poor Mike.  
> The snowball fight memory is something that happened to me.  
> The sledding memory. Back in Reptilicus, Jonah mentions he was tinkering on the bots, but not Crow. But Crow’s hands are bigger. I figured in all those years, Joel must have been tinkering on them too. And so he had to replace Crow’s hands after an unfortunate sledding accident. He also gave Servo working arms.  
> Explaining away twenty years is actually quite fun. The first time Joel went missing? Soultaker. The first time he met Mike. He thought he was on a suicide mission and wouldn’t make it back. He did make it back, a bit battered and broken, but otherwise okay. But he didn’t know that he would, which is why he had to leave Mike and the bots behind.  
> The missing person folder. Ah. That’s something I took from my own elderly neighbour. She has all kinds of flyers for missing cats and dogs, just in case she comes across them. She’s found a few and reunited them with their owners, so it must work, right?  
> And finally, Mike has his first clue-Gizmonic Institute. The place where it all began. Mystery Science Theater 3000.


	13. Ground Control To Major Servo

It had been a few days since the experiment and Kinga had yet to be in touch. Joel was hard at work on another invention in the workshop. He was getting used to Jonah and his mannerisms, but he still wasn’t used to being back living on the SOL. He’d been gone for so long that he never expected to be back. He knew he wouldn’t be here forever. Mike was coming. He _had_ to be. His best friend wouldn’t just abandon him in space-it’s not what best friends do. But would Mike be able to get up here? 

Those were the questions that kept Joel up all night. So much so, that he almost fell asleep right into a circuit board. 

“Trying to get yourself electrocuted again?” 

Joel jolted awake. “I-yeah... no... I...” He turned around in the swivel chair to see Tom Servo hovering behind him. “I think I’m just tired.”

“Looks to me like you were trying to kill yourself.” 

“I may be many things, Tom, and I mean _many_... but suicidal is _not_ one of them.” Joel stood up. “I’ve seen It’s A Wonderful Life-“

“But aren’t you sad to be back here, Joel?” Servo asked.

“No, I’m mad at Kinga.” Joel said. “Tom, we’ve been over this.” 

“But since then, she’s electrocuted you.” Servo pointed out. 

“She poked me a few times with a cattle prod.” Joel said. “She didn’t electrocute me.” 

“You got burned on your neck, back, thigh and-“

Joel cleared his throat loudly. “Yes, yes, I know where I got burned, Tom.” 

“How are you feeling since then?” Servo asked. “Your burns? Are they healing?”

“They aren’t bad, Tom. They’re just a bit sore, but they’re healing.” Joel said. “Why did Kinga do that?” 

“Kingachrome can’t record, it can only stream-“

“Yeah, I know that bit.” 

“Well anyway, it means that Jonah has to reenact his own kidnapping every time the show starts.” Servo said. “And if he doesn’t cooperate, then he gets shocked with a cattle prod.”

Joel paused, contemplating that. And when it hit him, he took off his glasses and rubbed his eye with the heel of his palm. Dr F had never made him reenact his kidnapping once every week. And although Dr F _had_ electrocuted him, it had never been for refusing to reenact his kidnapping once every week. It was no wonder that Jonah had night terrors. The more he learned about Kinga’s treatment of Jonah, the more his heart broke for the younger man. 

“I _really_ dislike Kinga Forrester.” Joel muttered, putting his glasses back on. 

“We all do, Joel.” Servo said. “The list of people she’s kidnapped is _very_ long. Me, Crow, Gyps, Cambot-although he actually likes her-Jonah, M. Waverly, Growler, Dr Donna, Matt and now you-“

“Servo, who’s Matt?” Joel asked. 

“I don’t know, who _is_ Matt?” Servo asked, sounding like he’d genuinely forgotten that he’d said the name ‘Matt’.

“Ground control to Major Servo, you just _said_ the name Matt.” Joel said. “Who is he?”

“I don’t know, Joel.” Servo said. “I’ve never met anyone by the name of Matt.” 

Joel frowned and then relaxed. Matt. Something to look into. Maybe Matt was that purple jumpsuit guy. If he was, it might give clues as to what Kinga has in store for him and Jonah. 

“Joel, do you miss Mike?” Servo asked out of the blue

“I-yes.” Joel said. 

“I think about him a lot.” Servo said. “I thought about _you_ a lot. And now I find myself thinking about how Jonah used to be.” 

“Tom, are you okay? You’re acting a bit weird. Shall I have a look at your circuits?” Joel offered. 

“I don’t feel like I’m malfunctioning.” Servo said. 

“You’re acting more... dramatic than usual.” Joel paused to yawn. “Have you been sleeping?” 

“I technically don’t need to, Joel, I’m a robot.” Servo pointed out. 

“And I technically don’t need to be wearing this jumpsuit either,” Joel pulled at the red jumpsuit he was wearing, “but I’m wearing it.” 

“Kinga will kill you if you don’t.” Servo said. “She _really_ will. She tried to kill Jonah.” 

“If Kinga kills me, then I’m going to haunt her forever, because I _really_ want to live.” Joel said. “I have a life back on Earth that I have to get back to. And I can only imagine how Mike’s doing without me.” 

* * *

Mike had abandoned Joel’s house and was living out of his car in the parking lot of Gizmonic Institute. He was hiding out there, what for, he wasn’t sure. Maybe a stakeout or something? He was just too nervous to go in and look around, despite having butchered his own jumpsuit (the one he’d crashed down to Earth in _once_ ) and Joel’s tattered old jumpsuit (the one he’d crashed down to Earth in _twice_ ) to disguise himself as a Gizmonic Institute employee. 

And it seemed to be working as he had been talking with this lady from the Big G Burger joint, who’d said that the Gizmonic Institute had been torched and raided last year. Mike couldn’t help but wonder if it had anything to do with Pearl Forrester. After all, he had heard that Gizmonic Institute was home to Dr F’s remains. Or it _had_ been. He wondered if, after all this time, Deep 13 still existed. 

Mike was lying down in the backseat of his car, thinking that maybe coming back here had been a terrible mistake. It had brought back all these memories of getting hit on the head and knocked out and being held captive. His head was still not right from that and although his brain was scrambled before, it only seemed to get worse _after_ that. Headaches and migraines notwithstanding. 

Mike got out of his car, ran a hand through his hair and took a breath before walking over to the Big G Burger joint. 

“Hey, Katie.” Mike smiled to the friendly burger flipper and scientist. Because of course she was also a scientist. This _was_ Gizmonic Institute, after all.

“Mike!” Katie smiled back. “Back for another burger, are you?” 

“You know it.” Mike said. “The way _you_ make the Big G Burgers is always the best.” 

Katie’s face fell slightly. “Yeah.” 

“What’s-what’s the matter?” Mike asked. 

“Just... someone else used to say the exact same thing to me.” Katie said. “But he disappeared and now Gizmonics won’t look for him.” 

“Oh.” Mike said. He thought he had an idea who she was talking about; Jonah Heston. “Okay.” 

“It doesn’t matter anyway.” Katie sighed. “So have you heard about what’s going to happen with the weather, or have you been too holed up in your lab?” 

“No, I... I haven’t heard.” Mike said. 

“I’d get yourself back up to your lab before tonight, they say there’s going to be a blizzard.” Katie replied. “All of Minnesota is under a blizzard warning. Eight to twelve inches of snow we’re supposed to get.” 

“Oh wow.” Mike nodded. Having lived in the Midwest for most of his life (save for those almost six years on the SOL and five hundred years as a ball of pure energy), he knew he couldn’t stay in his car all night with a blanket like he had been doing. He had to actually go inside Gizmonic Institute to shelter from the coming storm. Although he was freaked out by the idea, he knew it was his best chance of finding Joel and the bots. Also, he didn’t feel like dying of hypothermia. 

“I know.” Katie said. “But this _is_ the Midwest. Weather’s always pretty terrible here.”

“I wouldn’t say ‘ _always_ ’.” Mike said with a slight shrug. 

“I dunno.” Katie said. “I’ve worked for the Gizmonic Institute for twelve years now and the weather’s always kinda sucked.”

“Well, where are you originally from?” Mike asked. 

Katie chuckled lightly. “California.” She answered. 

“So you’re more used to earthquakes than blizzards.” Mike said. “I’ve spent my whole life in the Midwest. Guess at this point, I’m just used to it.”

“And I’m used to astrophysics and flipping burgers.” Katie said. “Don’t know why I’ve never seen you in the main campus. I’d like to have an Invention Exchange with you, Mike.”

Mike bit his lip. Joel was the inventor. Mike was, by his own admission, just so terrible at it. But he wasn’t a scientist, he was just a temp. A bit absentminded, but that’s what made temp work so appealing. 

“I’d like my burger now, please.” Mike said. 

“Oh yeah, sorry.” Katie said. “Coming right up.” She put a burger patty on the grill. “So what are you doing today then? Any plans?” 

“Avoiding the blizzard, I guess.” Mike said. 

“Yeah, that’s a concern.” Katie said. 

Mike didn’t know what to say next. He was trying not to blow his cover and keep pretending like he was a scientist. Despite years of hanging out with Joel... well, they never really talked about science. In fact, most of their early conversations had been about the Satellite Of Love, Pearl Forrester, Bobo and Brain Guy, Dr F, TV’s Frank and the bots and the terrible movies they had each been forced to endure. And less about science and inventing. 

“What job do you do exactly?” Katie asked. 

“Uh, I’m a janitor.” Mike said, thinking of the first thing that came into his head. Janitor had, of course, been Joel’s position before Dr F and that other dude, Whatshisface, had shot him into space. 

Katie chuckled. “So I suppose you know all about The Legend Of Joel Robinson then.”

“The Legend Of Joel Robinson?” Mike wasn’t aware that Joel was legendary. He knew his friend as just Joel.

“Oh man, what kind of Gizmonic Institute janitor are you if you haven’t heard The Legend Of Joel Robinson?” Katie asked as she flipped the burger over.

“A new one.” Mike shrugged.

“I don’t know if it’s my place to be telling you, but...” Katie clicked her tongue, “you _need_ to hear this.” 

“Okay.” 

“Alright, so back in 1988, there were these three guys who worked for Gizmonic Institute; two scientists _Dr_ Clayton Forrester and _Dr_ Larry Erhardt, and the janitor, Joel Robinson. Joel Robinson was an incredible engineer and a talented inventor. Dr Forrester and Dr Erhardt didn’t like that he did better inventions because _they_ were the scientists and to them, Joel Robinson was just a lowly janitor. So you know what they did? They commandeered a research satellite, kidnapped Joel Robinson and shot him into space.”

Mike nodded. He knew the story, but only from Joel’s perspective. “You don’t say.” He said.

“Oh you haven’t heard the whole thing yet.” Katie said. “So the Doctors shot Joel Robinson into space. But they didn’t leave him there. They tried to drive him crazy by forcing him to watch bad movies.” 

Mike chuckled, but covered it up as a cough. He was intimately familiar with _that_ part. 

“Joel Robinson wasn’t having it. He didn’t go crazy but instead, he built four little robots to talk to. And those robots developed their own personalities. Imagine that-a janitor creating robots with free will!”

“I-I can’t imagine that.” Mike said. He knew she was talking about Cambot, Gypsum, Crow and Tom. “With him being a janitor, I mean.” 

Katie hummed. “Gizmonic Institute found out what Dr Forrester and Dr Erhardt were doing with him, so they got defunded and eventually fired. Then they went missing, but they must have still been out there somewhere as Joel Robinson was psychologically tortured while he lived up in space, alone, for _five_ years with nobody but his robots to talk to. Just absorbing that cosmic radiation ready for cancer in later life.”

Mike gulped. He hadn’t thought that he would get _cancer_ from being shot into space. But-no! No, he was trying to rescue Joel. So _why_ was he talking to this girl?

“And then he escaped! Oh man, he escaped! After five years, over a hundred experiments and over two hundred hours of torture. Oh, he must have been planning something incredible, something amazing! And he pulled that shit off!” Katie said excitedly. “Landed in the Australian Outback. That was in 1993. Five years later, he would make his way back to Minnesota and the Gizmonic Institute. He full on raided this place for parts. And then he built himself a spaceship and shot himself back up into space! Nobody knows why he did that.”

Mike shrugged. He knew full well why Joel did that. 

“But he came back to Earth. He crash landed again, in Wisconsin, only this time, he went into a coma. Nobody knows what happened to him after that. Some say he died. Some say he woke up and went and joined the Church of Scientology. And others say he’s alive and well and managing a Hot Fish Shop in Osseo. And of course, Dr Forrester died and his remains were here, at the Gizmonic Institute. But Dr Erhardt... he’s still out there somewhere. Or maybe he was eaten by a giant spider.” Katie shrugged.

“Well, what do _you_ think?” Mike asked. 

“ _I_ think it’s a load of _bull_.” Katie said. She put the burger on the bun and began to dress it. “It’s the plot of a TV series, after all. Mystery Science Theater 3000. The Legend goes that it _actually happened._ There’s a reason why it’s a legend, Mike.” She put the top of the bun on and put the burger on a plate. “Dr Forrester’s remains _were_ here. Of course they would be. He came up with the show that put the Gizmonic Institute on the map.” She handed the plate over to Mike. 

Mike took the burger. “So you don’t think Joel Robinson existed then?” 

“Well, yeah, he _probably_ existed.” Katie conceded. “But he wasn’t a janitor here at Gizmonics. He was an actor, hired by Dr Forrester. And those supposed robots?” She leaned into Mike’s ear. “ _Puppets_.” She whispered and pulled away again. “There was _no_ satellite. There was _no_ escape pod. There was _no_ spaceship. There was _no_ coma. There was _no_ Hot Fish Shop.”

“Robot puppets, huh?” Mike took a bite from his burger. 

Katie shrugged. “Well, Mike, it’s just a story.” She said. “Just like the Mike Nelson story. Nobody would _really_ hire a temp, only to knock him out and shoot him into space for psychological torture. It’s a _story_. But still... they’re saying that’s what happened to Jon... my friend. That he’s orbiting the moon on a satellite, forced to watch bad movies. But I know better. He was probably hit by a meteor when he was out in space. He’s dead and isn’t coming back.” She cleared her throat. “Anyway, that’s enough of that. How are you enjoying your burger?” 

Mike nodded as he chewed. “‘S good.” He said. “So how _does_ the Mike Nelson story go?” 

Katie raised an eyebrow. “You only want to know because your name is Mike too, right?”

Mike chuckled. “You got me!” It wasn’t true, he just wanted to hear what the Gizmocrats were saying about him.

“Well, after Joel Robinson’s escape, Dr Forrester was down a test subject. So he hired a temp named Mike Nelson and when he arrived, Dr Forrester knocked him out and shot him into space in a rocket. He forced Mike to watch terrible movies, just as he had with Joel Robinson, and psychologically tortured him while he plotted to kill him.” Katie said. 

Mike carried on eating his burger as he listened. Some of that was true, but it was exaggerated for dramatic license. Like how if Tom Servo was the one telling the story. 

“Though Dr Forrester’s mistake, the rocket that Mike was on crash landed into Earth and Mike died instantly, along with the self aware robots that Joel Robinson had created. And Mike’s final five years was spent being tortured. He never got to see his family and his loved ones again. And all they found of him was in Duluth, a badly charred left arm with third and fourth degree burns. The rest of Mike Nelson was cremated instantly at the site of re-entry, or so they say.” Katie said. 

Mike’s lower jaw dropped down mid-chew. So according to the Gizmocrats, he died horribly at the scene of the Satellite Of Love crash and only his badly burned arm was found. He was frozen at the spot, not knowing what he was going to say or do next. At least though, it made his job of infiltrating the Gizmonic Institute easier, since they thought he was dead. 

“I mean, some also say that he’s the face of RiffTrax, but that’s a different Mike Nelson.” 

“How-how do you know?” Mike asked. 

“Because the RiffTrax Mike Nelson is _real_.” Katie said. “Mike Nelson the temp... a story made up to scare the manual workers.” She said. “People like me and you.” 

“Right...” Mike said. He looked at his watch. “I-I’d better go back to work now.” 

“See you soon, Mike!” Katie said, trying to sound cheerful. 

Mike may not have done what he’d planned, but he still managed to get some important information that he needed. He learned from that conversation with Katie the Big G Burger Girl, that Gizmocrats generally thought Mystery Science Theater 3000 was just a story. A myth. A legend. But if what she said was true, then the experiment was up probably up and running again. And if Joel was going to be anywhere, he would be with Jonah Heston, orbiting the moon. But how was he going to get up there? 

It wasn’t _just_ a clue anymore. Mike _really_ needed to infiltrate Gizmonic Institute. He had to check out if what Katie had said was real, or just an exaggeration like his and Joel’s stories. And if it _was_ real, then somehow, he had to get himself to the moon. 

* * *

Kinga lay on her bed playing with her cattle prod. It was December 29th now and she had no plans for a New Year’s special of Mystery Science Theater 3000. She was debating to wait until 2020 to film the rest of the series. 

Max walked in with a black eye. “Kinga?” He asked. 

Kinda growled. “How many times do I have to say, Max, knock before you enter _my_ room!” She shouted.

“Sorry, I-I uh... they’re serving food in the dining hall. And Ardy’s gone a bit, uh, crazy.” Max said. 

Kinga sat up. “Crazy how?” 

“I think the Kingachrome went to his head.” Max said. “He’s standing on the table throwing food at the Skeleton Crew shouting something about Gamera...”

“Fuuuu...” Kinga stood up. “I’ll be right there.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not a whole lot happening here, but what is happening is important.  
> Joel may be seen It’s A Wonderful Life, but I never have as it’s not required Christmas viewing where I live. It’s more about The Snowman. But I know what it’s about-some suicidal guy wishes he was never born and all the good stuff he did was erased in an alternate timeline by a guardian angel to show him his life matters.  
> Yeah, Kinga definitely seems to be a lot crueller than her father and her grandmother. It’s just lost under Felicia Day’s comedic talent. That’s a good thing though.  
> Servo casually mentioning Matt Claude Van Damme.  
> I will admit, I wrote Mike’s budding friendship with a burger flipping inventor because I thought it was funny. Just the idea that the stories of Joel and Mike have been told so often at the Gizmonic Institute that they were highly exaggerated. We all know stories like that. And we all know people who believe them and people who disbelieve them. In between, there’s the truth.  
> I suppose Katie the burger flipper would be a conspiracy theorist in this world. Robot puppets. Who would have thought?


	14. Antarctica is Full Of Penguins and Scientists

Joel walked from the workshop and into the bedroom. Crow was sitting on the lower bunk. 

“Crow, what are you doing?” Joel asked. Exasperation filled his voice. 

“Jonah got sucked up the tube.” Crow said.

“Oh god.” Joel rubbed his eye. “I don’t remember Kinga saying anything about showtime. I don’t have an invention to exchange.”

“No, it’s not showtime.”

“Why’s he gone then?”

“I don’t know, I was hoping _you’d_ know.” Crow said. 

* * *

Kinga made it down to the canteen where Ardy was out of his now trademark Hazmat suit and was indeed flinging food at any passing Bonehead. Many of them were sheltering under tables or shielding themselves with trays. He was also screaming the Gamera song at the top of his lungs. 

While Kinga was occupied, Max snuck out of the canteen and ran as fast he could down the hallway to the break room, where Dr Donna was forced to sleep as a prisoner of Moon 13. 

“Hey.” 

“Hello, Max.” Donna frowned slightly. “What are you doing here?” 

“Ardy and I sort of planned a breakout for you.” 

“You did?”

“I mean... we’re not breaking you out so much as we’re letting you see Jonah again.” Max clarified. “It wasn’t cool what Kinga did on Christmas Day and I’m sorry. She’s just a major Humbug.” 

“Yes, she doesn’t seem to like my relationship with Jonah.” Donna said. “But he doesn’t remember me anyway. So she has nothing to worry about.” 

“Well, we’re getting Jonah back down from the satellite.”

“Kinga won’t like that.” 

“Kinga’s busy with Ardy, who’s acting like he just lost his mind. Or maybe he _has_ lost his mind. I don’t know. But Kinga’s still busy.” Max said. “Are you coming?” 

“Yes, just let me keep my book that I’m writing about the Lords and Ladies of the Deep-“

“I’m sure it’s going to be quite fascinating and you’d make a great Newt Scamander of B Movie Monsters.” Max said. “And I’m also sure that none of the Boneheads are going to touch it when you’re gone-well, the ones _not_ in suspended animation anyway. But what I’m most sure of is that Kinga’s going to kill all of us when she finds out what Ardy and I have done.” 

“What have you done?” Donna asked. 

“You don't believe me. Well, you’ll see.” Max grabbed Donna’s wrist and pulled her out of the break room. 

Max dragged her down the halls of Moon 13 as fast as his stubby little legs could carry him, until they ended up in front of the heart shaped doors. Sitting in front of them on a collapsible chair was-

“Jonah!” Donna rushed over to him as fast as she could and the two of them held around each other. 

“Enjoy your time together.” Max said. “Kinga won’t let it last.”

* * *

That night, after having slept most of the day, Joel stood out on the bridge, just looking out at everything. He’d been stuck up here for days now. It’d been ten since he’d been kidnapped. Already he’d been forced to watch two terrible movies. It hadn’t been so bad when he was younger. But all he had back then was his job at Gizmonic Institute. It was different now. He wasn’t twenty-eight any more. He was fifty-nine. And he had responsibilities. There was his Hot Fish Shop, he still had to pay off his mortgage, all the bills, paying his employees and of course, Mike. 

“When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade.” Joel muttered to himself. But it was hard to make lemonade when you didn’t have the tools to do to, only the lemons. 

Cambot beeped, letting Joel know that he wasn’t alone. 

“Hey, Cambot.” Joel said, putting on a smile. “How are you doing?” 

Cambot whirred in an answer and Joel reached over to pat him. 

“Good. Good.” Joel said. “I’m just having a bit of trouble, you know? I miss Minnesota. I miss my job. I miss Mike.”

Cambot beeped. Then whirred. Then started to project a video out onto the wall. 

_Joel was wrapped up warm in a coat, a hat and a scarf. He had his hands in his pockets and a big smile on his face. “Hey, Cambot! Come on!”_

_Joel’s gloved hand came from his pocket and reached over towards Cambot and the projection went black for a second, but when the picture came back, it was on Crow, who was also wearing a coat and a scarf, despite being a robot. He was pulling a sled behind him with some kind of contraption strapped to it._

_“Yeah, we can’t not surprise Mike when you’re dawdling behind like this!” Crow said._

_“Joel and Mike sitting in a tree! K-I-S-S-I-N-G!” Servo taunted. He was also wearing a scarf._

_“Joel and Mike are not in love.” Gypsum said._

_“Says the bot who spends most of her time away from home.” Crow said._

_“No no, Crow, Gyps is right.” Joel said. “I’m not in love with Mike. In fact, I’ve never really been in love with anyone.” He sighed._

_“But... you love us though. Right, Joel?” Servo asked._

_“Loving someone isn’t the same as being in love with someone, Tommy.” Joel said. He came to a stop in front of an apartment complex. “I love all of you. And yeah, I love Mike too. But I’m not in love with him.”_

_“How do you love Mike when you don’t love Mike?” Servo asked._

_“He’s family.” Joel said. “And you do anything for family, including driving almost eight hours to Milwaukee in the snow after inventing a machine specifically designed to get back at them for pranking you.”_

_“Get over it, Joel, that was last year.” Crow said._

_“Ah, but last year isn’t going to be last year for long.” Joel explained and looked down at his watch. “In fact, it’s already 2005 in a lot of the world, including Australia, Russia, China, India and the Middle East. Even in parts of Africa.”_

_“But... it’s two o’clock.” Crow said._

_“Not everywhere in the world, Crow.” Gypsum said. “You know how when you’d look out the window of the Satellite Of Love and you’d see Earth, how some areas were lit up by the sun and others weren’t?”_

_“Yeah?”_

_“Crow, honey, those were time zones.” Joel said. “There are twenty-four of them on Earth. You could travel from one part of the Earth on a Monday, visit another where it’s Tuesday, go back to the Monday somewhere else and start back at your original point and less than twenty-four hours have been and it’s still Monday._

_“Wait... How?” Crow asked._

_“So... time travel really is real, that’s what you’re saying, Joel?” Servo said._

_Joel walked over to the sled and started to undo the straps on the sled. “In a way, yes.” He said. “You’re travelling through time right now, at the rate of one hour per hour.”_

_“Wow.”_

_“And it’s two in the afternoon here, but if you were to go to the UK, it would be eight at night. And if you wanted to go Hong Kong, it would be two in the morning.” Joel said. “So here and in the UK, it’s 2004, but in Hong Hong, not only is it Saturday already, but it’s also 2005.”_

_“Joel, why did you abandon us in space?” Crow asked out of the blue._

_“I had no choice.” Joel said, setting the device down on the snow. “Gypsum launched me out into an escape pod-“_

_“The second time.” Crow clarified. “During Soultaker.”_

_Joel dropped what he was doing and stopped setting up the invention. He’d expected this question, but he didn’t want it to be asked now._

_“Joel?”_

_Joel turned around to see Crow and Servo looking expectantly at him. Even Gypsum._

_Cambot had moved angles so all that was visible was Joel’s face. He was biting his lip, not knowing what to say._

_“I... I couldn’t take you with me because... well, because I didn’t know whether I was going to make it back to Earth or not.” Joel said. “I did. But my ship crashed just south of Green Bay. I was out cold for half a day. Woke up in the middle of the night in a hospital with a tube down my throat. I had a fractured skull. Broken ribs. Dislocated shoulder. Whiplash. Bruises... just about everywhere. But I was alive. I am alive.” He swallowed hard._

_“I was afraid I wouldn’t have made it, but I only barely did. If I’d taken you with me...then none of us would have made it.” Joel said. “Do you understand?”_

_The bots remained silent until Tom Servo’s voice piped up. “Since you were probably in the Intensive Care Unit, I’m gonna ask. Did you see the Soultaker?”_

_Joel chuckled weakly. “I don’t know what the Soultaker is and frankly, I don’t want to know. So no. I didn’t see any Soultaker. But then again, I don't really remember much about that time. I was on a lot of painkillers.”_

Joel remembered Crow and Servo asking that. He held back a lot of information about his crash back to Earth because he hadn’t wanted to frighten his bots. He hadn’t been unconscious for half a day. He’d been drifting in and out of consciousness for half a day. He hadn’t been able to tell doctors who he was for a whole week because he’d been sedated. His injuries were a lot worse than he’d told his bots. And to this day, only Gypsum knew how bad they really were-she’d seen his medical file. 

_“Oh. Okay. So.... are we going to prank Mike now?” Crow asked._

_“We sure are.” Joel said. He turned back to his invention. “Just wait until I’ve finished setting up the invention and we’ll prank him good.”_

_“Will he like it?” Servo asked._

_“Probably not, but I’m not singing Auld Lang Syne tonight without pulling one over on Mike Nelson.” Joel said._

_“And what are you building, Joel Robinson?” Crow asked._

_“Oh, well, it’s a catapult.” Joel said._

_“That’s already been invented.” Servo said._

_“I know, Servo, I know.” Joel said. “But this is a catapult specifically for snowballs.”_

_“What?”_

_“If it works right, it should make snowballs and fling them at Mike’s window.” Joel made a few final adjustments to his machine._

_“Oh Joel, that’s so mean.” Crow said. “I love it!”_

_“Of course you do.” Joel said. He stood up off his knees, which were wet from him kneeling in the snow, and stepped back to admire his handiwork. “Would you like to turn it on, Crow?”_

_“Oh yeah! I’d love to!” Crow tried to flick the switch on the side with his hand, but failed and tried again with his bowling pin beak._

_The machine whirred and sucked up some of the snow on the ground. It came out at the top as a ball and into a slingshot, where it was fired and hit a window on the apartment complex with a thunk._

_The same thing happened again three more times before Joel turned the machine off. “Maybe Mike’s not home right now. Cambot, come with me. Crow and Tom, you stay here with Gyps.”_

_Joel walked on ahead with Cambot following behind. He turned to the camera. “Hey, he could be at his brother’s.” He said with a shrug._

_Cambot whirred and then beeped, a noise that expressed disbelief._

_“Oh I know Eddie’s an asshole, but he’s still Mike’s brother. And if something happened, then why wouldn’t Mike see Eddie?” Joel said._

_Cambot whirred again._

_“Don’t act all high and mighty. You know as well as I do that if anything happened to either Crow or Servo or Gypsum, then you’d want to see them too.”_

_Someone was leaving the apartment complex and held the door open for Joel, but gave a funny look at Cambot as he passed._

_Cambot whirred in indignation. A sort of ‘yeah, I’m a floating ball recording all this so what are you looking at?’ kind of noise._

_“Cambot, behave.” Joel admonished. “We’re only going to see if Mike’s in.”_

_Cambot beeped, indicating that he wasn’t happy, but would let it go._

_The two of them caught the elevator to Mike’s floor and Cambot floated out before Joel. He floated all the way over to Mike’s door, with Joel’s footsteps following behind._

_Joel’s hand reached over and knocked on Mike’s door, to no answer. “I got a bad feeling about this, Cambot.” He took his keys out of his pocket-on the key ring, was Mike’s apartment key. He put it in the lock and opened the door._

_“Mike?” Joel called out. “You in there or am I trespassing?”_

_A single groan came from the bedroom._

_Cambot floated through the apartment and slipped through the bedroom door, which was ajar._

_On the bed lay Mike, who looked unwell._

_Joel opened the door, letting all the light into the darkened room. “Geez, Mike. You look like you’re dying. Should I cal 9-1-1?”_

_Mike groaned again. “Shut the door.” He mumbled._

_Joel closed the door. “Are you lying in your own sick?” He asked. He reached over and put his now ungloved hand on Mike’s forehead. “You’re really hot. And sweaty. Have you caught something? Should I check your temperature? Do you want me to call an ambulance or should I leave it?”_

_Mike didn’t answer for at least a minute. When he did, it was a one word question. “What?”_

_“This isn’t looking good, Cambot. Photophobia, vomiting, high temperature... I’m going to check for a rash.” Joel rushed back out of the room leaving the door open again, letting the light in._

_“Shut the door.” Mike said, louder this time. “Cambot. Shut the door.”_

_Joel burst through the door again, as Cambot was about to close it. He was carrying a glass cup and knelt down at Mike’s side. “I’m gonna need you to take your clothes off. Not your underwear, but your other clothes. I’m worried you have meningitis-“_

_“I’s not meningitis.” Mike said._

_“Don’t be stubborn.” Joel said. “You need medical help if it is-I mean, I’d stay with you at the hospital if you wanted me to-“_

_“It’s not meningitis.” Mike repeated._

_“What...” Joel dropped his hands._

_“Dr F.” Mike said._

_“What’s he got to do with... this?”_

_“Migraines.” Mike said. “Headaches. Dr F’s fault.”_

_“How do you know?” Joel asked._

_“He hit me on the head.” Mike said. “Was fine before.”_

_There was a silence between the two men. Joel brushed hair out of Mike’s face, or rather he had intended to. But Mike’s face was just too sweaty, so Joel ended up swiping it off his forehead._

_“You didn’t just walk away from that.” Joel said finally. “You have a sort of brain damage.”_

_“Yeah.” Mike said. “I guess.”_

“Cambot, honey, you can stop that now.” Joel said. “I know what happens next.”

He _did_ remember what happened. Joel had offered Mike painkillers and Crow and Servo had burst in being loud and annoying. They’d all spent the night at Mike’s, making sure he was okay. And although he wasn’t perfectly well again the next morning, he was doing better. The following New Year’s Eve, Mike returned the favour and spent it at Joel’s house tending to him while he was bent over the toilet bowl, sick with the stomach flu. 

Cambot started projecting a different one of his ‘memories’. 

_“Crow, honey, you’re in Epcot.” Joel said. “In Disney World. Can you just... not snap your beak at any kids?”_

_“It’s not my fault they keep staring.” Crow said._

_“No, but it’s all about how you react to it.” Mike said._

_“Says Mr Super Headache.” Servo said._

_“Mr Super Headache? What?” Joel asked._

_“It’s how I explained my migraines to them.” Mike replied. “As super headaches.”_

_“It makes you sound like a superhero.” Joel said._

_“Honestly, I feel like one just for getting through them sometimes.” Mike said._

_“Oh bo-ring!” Crow shouted out for attention. Attention that he got._

_“Crow, I told you to be quiet.” Joel said sternly._

_“Yeah, Joel’s right.” Mike said. “If you don’t want people staring at you, maybe try not to make so much noise that people look and see you.”_

_Joel nodded in agreement._

_“What are we going to do now then?” Servo asked, changing the subject._

_“I don’t know.” Crow said. “I can’t hold the park map with these pitiful arms. They keep breaking, Joel.”_

_“You’re fine just the way you are, honey.” Joel said, patting Crow’s netting._

_Mike took an Epcot park map from his shorts pocket and opened it up. He bent down so Crow and Servo could get a better look._

_Joel also peered over at the map. “Alright, so we’re here,” He lightly tapped on the map between the Figment ride, the Finding Nemo ride and The Land, “we’ve just done the Figment ride, we’ve seen Honey I Shrunk the Audience and Turtle Talk with Crush.”_

_“That giant talking turtle made me think of Gamera for some reason.” Crow said._

_“What about Tibby?” Servo asked._

_“Not important.” Mike said. “And there’s no Gamera. There’s been no Gamera for like fifteen years or something. I’ve never seen Gamera.”_

_“And you don’t want to either.” Joel added. “Alright. We’ve also been to The Land and done Living With The Land and seen that Lion King show about global warming.”_

_“And you had to wait with Servo and Cambot while Crow and I did Soarin.” Mike said._

_“You waited with them while I went on.” Joel said._

_“I got to do Soarin twice.” Crow said smugly._

_“Crow.” Joel said in his dad voice. “Don’t make Tom feel bad about his height.”_

_“Why not? You built him like that, Joel.” Crow pointed out. “And he doesn’t even have working arms like I do.”_

_“I think Servo is fine the way he is.” Mike said. “Could be a little less hateful. But he’s perfectly fine.”_

_“Less hateful?”_

_“Trust me, Joel, you don’t wanna know.”_

_“So what are we doing now?” Servo asked._

_“Uh, well, I think we might have exhausted the rides and shows and stuff that you can do in this particular area of the park.” Joel said. “Probably best we move on to the countries.”_

_“There’s countries here?” Crow asked._

_“No, just small representations that are filled with stereotypes.” Joel said. “But it’s a good a place as any for you to learn about the countries of the world.”_

_“We know about the countries, Joel.” Servo said. “Japan is filled with monsters like Godzilla and Gamera.”_

_“Germany is where the Nazis live.” Crow added._

_“Everyone in Canada is a Mountie and the whole country sucks.”_

_“Hawaii is Lilo and Stitch Land.”_

_“Antarctica is full of penguins and scientists.”_

_Joel nodded his head. Servo wasn’t really wrong there._

_“Britain is filled with people who talk like Dick Van Dyke and have bad teeth.”_

_“China has more mathematicians per square capita than people.”_

_“Russians are all either bears on unicycles or Vladimir Putin. There is no middle.”_

_“French people like bread and cooking and garlic and rats that like bread and cooking and garlic.”_

_“Spain is a country in Europe.” Crow said._

_“And everyone in that country has a name that takes up all the letters. Soon, the letters the UN designated to Spain will all run out.” Servo said._

_“Scottish people wear kilts and eat haggis.”_

_“Vikings are all real and they live in the country of Scandinavia.”_

_“Irish people get drunk and blow stuff up to celebrate birthdays and there are a lot of birthdays because they have big families.”_

_“Adding onto that, Mexicans are always celebrating quinceaneras and the kids there are either friends with Santa or Satan.”_

_“Ooh and The Generalissimo runs the country of Latin America.”_

_“Alright, I’m going to stop you there, this is getting deep into stereotyping and borderlining on racism.” Joel said. “Who’s been teaching these two geography?”_

_“Nobody.” Servo said._

_“Yeah, we’ve been learning about earth from the movies.” Crow added._

_Joel took off his glasses and pinched the bridge of his nose._

_“It’s a good thing we came to Epcot today, isn’t it?” Mike said._

“I remember that.” Joel said. “Tom demanded I carry him because his thrusters were ‘getting tired’.” He chuckled at the pleasant memory. “You really _do_ record everything, don’t you, Cambot?” 

Cambot chirped in affirmation. 

“Show me what happened _after_ Crow revived Jonah. How did he and Servo and Gypsum react then?” 

Cambot made no movement and no noise. He stayed there, completely silent. 

“Cambot. Please.” Joel said. 

Cambot emitted a whir, sounding like a sigh, and projected another one of his ‘memories’ out to Joel. 

_“It’s been three days.” Crow paced the hall. “Jonah’s still sleeping. Joel and Mike never slept this much.”_

_“Jonah isn’t asleep, Crow.” Gypsum said. “He’s in a coma.”_

_“No. No, he’s not.” Crow said adamantly. “He’s sleeping. That's all. And when he wakes up, we’ll watch Birdemic, just like Kinga said we would.”_

_M. Waverly walked out into the hall. “Hi, Crow. Hey, Gypsum. Hi, Cambot.” He greeted. “I was just going to, uh... sweep the floor. Yeah.”_

_“Have you seen Jonah today?” Gypsum asked._

_“I-I haven’t.” M. Waverly responded. “I think Growler’s there with him for now.”_

_“Well it wouldn’t be Servo.” Crow said. “I haven’t seen him since it happened.”_

_“Crow, he’s probably just... going through some things.” Gypsum said. “Like we all are.”_

_“It’s his own fault that he didn’t do anything” Crow raised his voice. “He saved Mike from dying of oxygen deprivation. Why didn’t he do anything for Jonah?!”_

_“Crow, calm down.” Gypsum said. “The fault was at Kinga’s end. I don’t think the SOL’s been properly maintained since Kinga rebuilt it.”_

_“Your job is to watch the higher functions of the SOL.” Crow said. “So it’s your fault!”_

_“Look, it’s not my fault that Kinga’s as bad at rebuilding satellites as the Gizmonic Institute is as good at building them.” Gypsum said. “I don’t know. As smart as I am, it never occurred to me to check the tether to Moon 13 for faults. Because I never thought for one second that Kinga would cut the oxygen off.”_

_“I’m... going to go and sweep now.” M. Waverly said._

_“Yeah, you go do that, Cousin Oliver.” Crow growled._

_Cambot backed away as M. Waverly ran down the hall._

In the projection, Cambot turned around and followed the path down the hall to what Joel recognised as the first aid room. Joel wasn’t sure if he wanted to see the rest of the footage. It seemed what Kinga did had torn his beloved family apart. Crow seemed to be almost in denial and very angry. Gypsum seemed to be blaming herself. Servo... did he save Mike from Dr F? Joel made a mental note to ask someone about that later. 

“Cambot, go ahead, honey.” Joel said. He didn’t want to see, but he felt he needed to. He needed to know as much as he could about Jonah, since he was stuck living with him now. 

_In the room, Jonah was lying down on the gurney, his lanky frame slightly too big. There was a tube in his mouth, another in his nostril and an IV in his arm, the bag resting on his chest. His face was very puffy. He wasn’t wearing his jumpsuit, just a t-shirt, a pair of shorts and some socks._

“I had no idea Jonah had tattoos.” Joel muttered to himself, having seen on Cambot’s video, what resembled black ink on Jonah’s arm. He couldn’t make out what the tattoo was of, however, but it gave him a better idea of who Jonah used to be before the brain damage.

_On the video, Cambot beeped, making his presence known to the green robot who was sleeping at Jonah’s bedside._

_“Oh. Hey, Cambot.” Growler mumbled. “I was just... looking at Jonah. He hasn’t moved since the other day. But that’s fine. I’m sure he will when he’s ready to.”_

_A clattering noise caused Cambot to turn around to see M. Waverly walking in, carrying a brush._

_“Sorry.” M. Waverly said. “I wasn’t trying to wake Jonah.”_

_“That’s okay.” Growler said. “He isn’t waking up anyway. Still sleeping soundly.”_

_“He must be getting a good rest then.” M. Waverly said._

_“Do you wanna watch over him?” Growler asked. “I gotta get back to writing the songs for Crow’s musical.”_

_“Crow’s writing a musical?” M. Waverly asked._

_“Snow Pickles from Space is going to be a musical.” Growler replied._

The recording was interrupted by a loud, bloodcurdling scream. 

Joel ran off the bridge and to the source of the screaming. It was coming from Jonah’s room. Joel opened the door and burst inside to see M. Waverly casually reading a book while Jonah thrashed around in bed with his eyes wide open. 

“What...”

“It’s a night terror.” M. Waverly said. “They predate his almost dying.”

“I know. He’s woken me up more than a few times with all that screaming.” Joel said. “Can’t we do something?” 

“It’s best not to.” M. Waverly said, over the sound of Jonah’s screaming. 

Joel turned back and almost bumped into Gypsum. “Oh sorry.”

“I was just checking up on Jonah.” Gypsum said. “I heard screaming.”

“We _all_ did.” Crow said. “Stupid Jonah waking us up screaming for all his loved ones that he’s never going to ever see again.” 

“Hey, we might never see Mike again!” Joel snapped. “Think about _that_ , Crow.”

“Mike’s _your_ loved one.” Crow said. “The rest of us, well, we’re robots. We don’t have loved ones.”

“I can give you three right off the bat.” Joel said. “Me. Jonah. Mike.” 

“We’re robots, we don’t feel love.” Crow said. 

“You almost married Servo!” Joel argued. 

“Guys! Stop it!” Gypsum said. “Jonah’s brain has divided us enough as it is. Crow, just stop it and admit you care whether you see Mike again.” 

“Fine. I guess I kinda... sorta... maybe... _care_ if I see Mike.” Crow said. “I might even _miss_ him.”

“Thank you, Crow.” Joel said. “Now, Gyps, can I talk to you for a minute?”

“Sure Joel, what do you need?” Gypsum asked. 

“Not here, let’s go somewhere a bit more private.” Joel said. 

Gypsum nodded. “How about my room?” She suggested. 

“Sure, let’s go.” Joel said. “Lead the way.” 

Gypsum moved along the ceiling and Joel followed her. 

Once Joel was confident he was out of earshot of Crow and Tom, he spoke up. “Gyps, do you remember when you saw my medical file?” Joel asked. “And you nearly started crying when you read about my, uh, accident?”

“Why are you bringing this up now?” Gypsum asked. 

“Oh, no reason, really.” Joel said. “Just Cambot showed me something.” 

The door to Gypsum’s room opened and Joel stepped inside. It had a little nest for sleeping in, some artificial flowers in a vase on a shelf, a mannequin a toolkit and a poster of Richard Basehart on the wall. 

“Yeah, I know it’s not much, Joel.” Gypsum said. “But it’s better than sleeping in the closet.”

“Who’s sleeping in the closet?”

“M. Waverly and Growler.” Gypsum replied. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.” Joel said. Honestly.”

“Do you need me to check over your burns?”

“I think they’re mostly healed now, thanks Gyps.” 

“What did you want to talk to me about?”

“I wanted to ask a question about Mike.” Joel said. “I’ve become aware, recently, that Dr Forrester cut off Mike’s oxygen.” 

“Oh. _Oh_.” Gypsum said. “Yeah, he _did_ do that.” 

“Servo turned the oxygen back on then. But I saw video of-“

Gypsum shook her head. “No, he didn’t turn it on then.” She said. “That was after the life support got damaged in a meteor shower.” 

Joel’s sleepy eyed widened. “Wait, what?” 

“It wasn’t that long after the oxygen was turned off, actually.” Gypsum explained. “Probably within the same hour. Joel, you have to remember, it was nearly twenty-four years ago and the circumstances were different.”

“I’m not blaming Servo.” Joel said. “I’m just surprised that for almost sixteen years, you all kept secrets from me about your time with Mike on the Satellite Of Love. Didn’t you feel like you could trust me?”

“No, Joel. We just didn’t want to hurt you.” Gypsum said. “You’d been through enough already. I and when I saw your medical file-“

“You treated me with kid gloves.” Joel said. “I was going to find these things out, Gyps. I mean, I may be almost sixty, but I’m capable of not having a heart attack and being treated the same as any other person. That doesn’t change because I’m your father... creator.” 

“No, Joel, you’re right. We shouldn’t have kept any of this from you. We should have just told you straight.” Gypsum agreed. “But I don’t see how this is any different from what you’re doing to Jonah.” 

Joel was taken aback. “What do you mean?” He asked. 

“Jonah... well, sure he has seizures, but that doesn’t mean he can’t do anything in the lab. He’s not going to die if you let him in there.” Gypsum explained. “He understands the world around him. He just loses his words sometimes. And he forgets easily. But he’s still a Gizmocrat at heart. Joel, you haven’t even tried an Invention Exchange with him. You only see what you want to see, and that’s what he’s not capable of. You don’t see what he can do.”

“But I’m trying to help, I made him a stabilising brace for his arm-“

“Which you presented as an Invention Exchange.” Gypsum said. “You think about Jonah’s needs, Sure. But you think about how it benefits you. All I’m going to say, Joel, is don’t do it for you or to make you look good. Do it for Jonah because you care about him. He’s a great guy. Take some time and try to get to know him. Not what he was like before the brain damage happened, but get to know him as he is now.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kinga did not let that time last. But don’t worry too much, there’ll be some more Jonah and Dr Donna stuff later on. They’re going to get together, like in the romantic sense. It’s part of Jonah’s happy ending. I did say he was going to get one!  
> Reference to KTMA era MST3K.  
> Something Joel said in one of his episodes made me think that he could be asexual and aromantic, so that’s the angle I’m going with here; AroAce Joel Robinson.  
> Joel teaching his robot sons about time zones. I wrote that scene out on New Year’s Eve. One of my earliest memories is of New Year’s Eve/Day 1999 and my mind being blown at how it was the new millennium in some parts of the world, but not the UK yet.  
> Also, I chose Joel to reference the UK and Hong Kong because the UK is six hours ahead of the Midwest and Hong Kong is six hours ahead of the UK. Made it a nice round twelve hours there.  
> Migraines are not fun. That is why I do not like flashing lights.  
> But Epcot, however, is fun. I love it. Their visit took place in October 2008. I must have missed them, I was there too. It was freezing cold.  
> The idea that Crow and Servo got their knowledge of the world’s geography from the movies they’d been forced to watch and neither Joel or Mike corrected them in that time because it had never come up before was just too amusing not to include. It amused me, anyway. And the bots learned a good lesson about national stereotypes!  
> M. Waverly and Growler are younger than Crow and Servo, so it stands to reason that they’re more childlike and naive, especially since Jonah’s kinda-sorta naive himself. M. Waverly blaming a starling on being the underwater killer in Killer Fish comes to mind. In this instance, they don’t know, or maybe they do, that Jonah isn’t just sleeping.  
> Also, sadly, to M. Waverly and Growler, Jonah’s night terrors would be completely normal.


	15. He Kind Of Looks Like Torgo From Manos

Dear Jonah, 

I don’t know how much of this you can understand, or even if you can read, since I know you have trouble expressing words. I’m not going to tell you I know exactly what you’re going through. Because I don’t. I’ve been close to death a grand total of once in my life. That was when I shot myself back up into space to repair the SOL. After the repairs were finished, I crashed back down to Earth. And when I say ‘crashed’, I mean CRASHED. I think the bots still kind of resent me for that. And I understand. I mean, from their point of view I abandoned them twice. The first time, I was jettisoned out by Gypsum, who thought Dr Forrester was trying to kill me. That was Kinga’s dad! Still can’t believe he had a relationship with a woman, I mean-oops. Never mind. 

Anyway, the second time, I didn’t know whether I would survive. I love my bots and I knew they were in safe hands with Mike. Mike. Oh he’s such a great guy. Honestly, if you ever met him, I think you’d love him as much as I do. His brain’s a bit scrambled and I’d swear he has ADD or something. But his heart’s generally always in the right place. And you and him have a shared experience, kind of. Your brain was injured by Kinga Forrester and his was injured by Clayton Forrester. I mean, not as badly as you. But still. 

Anyway, I got off track. I meant to say that the second time I left the bots, I knew they were in good hands with Mike. And when I say that, I mean... I mean I didn’t expect to survive the journey. It was a suicide mission, carried out by a guy who didn’t want to commit suicide, but I was the only person in the whole world who could do what Mike and the bots needed me to to, since Dr Forrester, Frank and Dr Erhardt were all dead or presumed dead by then. I didn’t want the bots to see my mangled, dead body. They’d seen enough trauma in the terrible movies we’d been forced to watch. 

I didn’t die. I lived. But I lived with massive injuries that came very close to killing me because I crashed. I was found and rushed to hospital where I was heavily sedated for a week. It had been assumed, because my ship had suffered such extensive damage, that I’d been involved in a car wreck. I hadn’t, but I couldn’t tell them that I hadn’t. Mainly because I had a breathing tube down my throat and so I physically couldn’t tell them. I also couldn’t tell them my name and who I was, so I was just a John Doe for that same week. I know it’s nothing compared to what you went through. Your brain got... well, it got damaged. You have brain damage. And it’ll never heal, because that’s the nature of those types of injuries. Whereas my body got smashed up and it healed. It’s not fair, I know. A dislocated shoulder heals. A broken arm heals. A black eye heals. A bruised kidney heals. But an injured brain stays injured. 

I guess the reason I’m telling you this is that I... I, well, look, my skull was fractured in that accident. I had a serious head injury too. But I walked away with no lasting after effects. Mike suffered a head injury that wasn’t really too bad and now he has migraines. My head injury was worse than Mike’s and yet he’s the one with the headaches and migraines. Tell me how that’s fair? It’s not. It’s not fair. The world can be really cruel sometimes, Jonah. 

Mike’s injury was limited to his head, when Dr Forrester and Frank shot him up into space. When I crashed down from space, my injuries were everywhere. I mean, I’ve never had so many broken bones at the same time before. Internal injuries. Gypsum knows just how bad it was. In fact, she probably knows better than I do. I don’t remember much of that time in hospital, after all, I was on so much morphine. The only thing I remember is going back to work a couple of months later and feeling really bad about abandoning Mike and the bots up in space. I mean, it didn’t happen like that. If I’d taken them with me, none of us would have survived and I barely did as it was. But back then, I just couldn’t see it that way. Not until Gyps said that she’d rather I survived with severe injuries and they stayed on the SOL, than everyone escape and have none of us not survive at all. They made it down anyway. They escaped. I escaped. You will escape too. I know you will. Even if I have to build an escape pod for the eight of us and hide it in a crate of Hamdingers myself. I know the bots would go nowhere near them. My ones at least. Not too sure about yours. How do they feel about Hamdingers? Well, you probably wouldn’t know. I should just ask them myself. 

When you do escape, Jonah, I don’t know if you have any family members, but you’re always welcome to come and stay with me. When I’m not stuck up here with you and the bots as a prisoner of a Forrester, I’m running a Hot Fish Shop out of Osseo, Minnesota. I wonder how my business is getting on without me. That’s not what I think about most days. Most days, I think about Mike. He’s my best friend and he was trapped up in space, forced to watch bad movies too. I mean, you’ve probably heard all about him from Crow and Gypsum and Tom and Cambot. Honestly, I can’t wait for you to meet him. I think you’d really like him. I mean, sure, he kind of looks like Torgo from Manos, if he were in his fifties, but... I’m getting off track again, I’m sorry. You probably haven’t seen Manos. 

I’ve had some pretty good times with Mike. I remember this one time we took Tom and Crow to Disney World. We went for Halloween and, well, you know what those two are like. People kept staring at them, not that they really minded that. But Tom was upset because he’s so small. He couldn’t go on anything that wasn’t something like It’s A Small World or any of the shows like Hall of Presidents. Crow on the other hand, well, he could go on just about anything because he’s a lot taller. When we all got to go on stuff together, it was fun. I mean hardly anyone could call waiting around for a little red robot to calm down after being told he couldn’t ride Soarin because he was too small ‘fun’. Child swap was instigated more than a few times. But still I wish I was waiting with Tom for Mike and Crow to come off a ride and tell me about it. I’d give anything to be doing that right now, and I’m sure you would too. 

We spent two weeks on site. Mike and I had different rooms, but Crow and Tom would alternate. You know what they’re like at night, I’m sure. Nothing compared to what they’re like when it’s day. I’m sure they’ve walked in on you taking a shower and they’ve stared at you, maybe asked some awkward questions. They’re like thirty-one year old children. Yeah. I can’t believe they’re thirty-one myself. I built them thirty-one years ago. I haven’t always been with them. But they’ve had Mike and you. And now I know they can look after someone else. Not just keep them sane, but actually look after someone. Servo can cook. Crow knows CPR. Cambot’s woken me up because you were having a seizure. And Gypsum... Even though she ran her own company back on Earth, it never ceases to surprise me, what she can do. I’m so proud of all of them. Without them, you wouldn’t be alive now. You might not be able to tell the story, but I hope you can someday. 

I realise that I might not have been entirely fair with you and for that, I’m sorry. I thought I had no experience in dealing with brain damage, but Cambot showed me I was wrong. He showed me a lot of things, actually. For a non-speaking robot, he sure can say a lot. You might be, well, the way you are now, but you’re still a person. You’re the person that I’m stuck with up here until Mike rescues us-and I have faith in him that he will. I’ve been too hung up on what you were like before Kinga shut your oxygen off. But I should be getting to know the person that you are now, because that’s who I’m with now. 

I don’t know if you can, or if I should even expect you to forgive me. I guess I just have far too many stereotypes in my head about disabled people. After all, the saying goes that you shouldn’t judge a book by it’s cover. So... how about an invention exchange? 

Yours sorrily (is that even a word?)

Joel Robinson

* * *

Joel lay the letter down on Jonah’s bedside table, where he knew the younger man would probably find it and then snuck back out of Jonah’s room so he wouldn’t be seen. He had a lot of making up to do and he hope the weird and rambling letter would be a start. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I have an announcement to make about this story. But you’re going to have to wait until the next chapter to hear it.


	16. I Should Never Have Listened To Brain Guy

Joel was sitting in a swivel chair in the workshop, randomly swivelling back and forth as he thought about Mike down on Earth. He missed his friend, even though he hadn’t been gone two weeks yet. 

He was also very tired, more-so than usual. Between Jonah’s night terrors and his own nightmares of Dr Forrester and TV’s Frank and his, for the most part, nightly... _nightmares_ of crashing down to Earth, he wasn’t getting very much sleep and found himself thinking of Christmases past. 

There was that Christmas when Crow tripped up Mike and Joel had to drive to the emergency room. The next year when Crow smashed Cambot’s lens. The time they all spent Christmas at a homeless shelter in Appleton. The Christmas they’d all spent at Disneyland and Crow took it out on Joel because they missed the parade. The year after that when Crow beat Mike like a piñata because his PlayStation wouldn’t work. The time Crow took a death ray to his new Xbox. That time when they went to London and Crow behaved so badly that he got banned from American Airlines. The year Crow broke Mike’s tailbone and laughed about it. 

Okay. Most Christmases had actually gone wrong because of _Crow_. But at the same time, Christmases just hadn’t been the same without him. And now that Joel was with his beloved bots, Cambot, Gypsum, Tom Servo and Crow, he couldn’t help but be happier. They were all there. They were all safe.

But at the same time, there was something bugging him about Kinga. Max’s comments about ‘you should have learned from the last time’, a flash of some weird purple jumpsuit guy in Cambot’s footage and Servo offhandedly mentioned the name Matt. Was Matt the name of someone down on Moon 13 that he didn’t know about? Or was Matt the purple jumpsuit guy? For that matter, what even happened to the purple jumpsuit guy? Did Kinga cut off his oxygen and kill him, replacing him with Jonah only to cut off his oxygen too? Or did she do something much more sinister? What would she do to him? She was already capable of cutting their oxygen supply off and cattle prodding someone’s genitals. She forced Jonah to reenact his kidnapping once a week and electrocuted him if he didn’t go through with it. She’d forced Joel himself to reenact Jonah’s kidnapping-or at least tried to. And tried to forcibly marry Jonah. And had him eaten by a mechanical monster. And probably so many things that Joel just hadn’t yet heard about. 

Joel stood up from the chair and walked out of the room. He remembered that Dr F had electrocuted him. He couldn’t forget it. But Dr F had a reason to electrocute him, no matter how shoddy, while Kinga, well, she just did it for fun. She _tortured_ Jonah for _fun_. She tried to marry him as a ratings stunt and if he said no, cut off his oxygen and kill him-Max almost killed him anyway, She was _not_ her father’s daughter. No, she was _worse_ than him. 

From the bridge, he heard the sounds of a TV blaring and followed it, where he found Crow, Servo and M. Waverly watching cartoons. 

“Hey, guys.” Joel said. “What are you watching?” 

“Steven Universe.” Crow replied. “It’s one of Jonah’s cartoons.”

“Where is Jonah?” Joel asked. 

“In the fablab with Growler.” M. Waverly said. 

“Now shut up, Ruby and Sapphire have just fused into Garnet and they’re having this epic fight with Jasper to save Pearl and Steven and Lapis who are after Peridot.” Crow said. 

“Actually, Lapis Lazuli is imprisoned.” M. Waverly corrected.

“And I have no idea who any of those characters are.” Joel admitted. 

“Shh! Quiet, Joel! Garnet’s singing!” Servo said. 

“I’ll just...” Joel pointed to the hall. 

“Yeah, yeah. Good.” Crow said. 

Joel walked down the hallway, leaving the bots to their cartoon. He carried on walking until he reached Jonah’s fablab and knocked on the door before entering. 

Jonah looked up at him, clearly curious about what he was going to do next.

Joel could tell by the look on his face that Jonah had read the letter. “Uh, hey.” He said. 

Jonah looked down at the desk and picked something up. “In... ven-tion.” He said slowly. “Vention... uh... trade?” 

“You wanna do an Invention Exchange?” Joel asked.

Jonah nodded. “You... You fro’ Giz... monic. You do ‘Vention Ess-chain too.” He said. 

“What have you got to exchange then?” Joel asked. He had to remember that just because this had happened to Jonah, it didn’t make him any less competent. 

Jonah held his invention up. His shaking right hand stopped him from holding it too long and he set it back down on the workbench. He pointed to the switch. 

“You want me to turn it on?” Joel asked. 

Jonah nodded. 

Joel did as he was told and turned the invention on. “What does it do?” He asked. He didn’t wonder any more since as he spoke, the screen display of the device spelled out the words he was saying. “Oh.” He said in surprise, and the surprised face emoji popped up. 

Jonah smiled, happy that his invention actually worked this time. With his braced up hand (he had actually taken a shine to the stabilising brace that Joel had made for him), he patted the machine. 

“That’s... actually pretty clever.” Joel said. “It eliminates some of your communication issues.” He leaned in for a closer look. “And you built this _yourself_?” 

“G’owler helped.” Jonah said. 

“Where _is_ Growler anyway?” Joel asked. 

“One.” Jonah said, pointing at the door numbered one.

Joel nodded in understanding. “Well, my invention is the Passive-Aggressive Magic 8 Ball.” He explained. “It’s like a regular Magic 8 Ball, only when you shake it, it comes up with passive aggressive answers.” He pulled it from the pocket of his jumpsuit. “Here, try it.”

Jonah tentatively took the item from Joel and shook it, turning it over to look at the answer. _Honestly, it’s fine_. He shook it and turned it over again. _I guess, if you want_. He repeated the process. _Whatever_. 

“What do you think?” Joel asked. 

Jonah looked up at Joel and did the okay hand sign. 

“It stinks?” Joel asked, taken aback slightly. 

Jonah frowned, considering what Joel said and instead gave a thumbs up. 

“I think your invention’s pretty neat too.” Joel said. 

Jonah reached inside his pocket and took out Joel’s folded up letter.

“You got that, huh?” 

Jonah nodded. “You... got hur’.” He said. “Wha’ happen?” 

Joel bit his lip. “After I was forcibly ejected from the SOL, I lived in Australia for a while. Eventually made my way back to the Midwest and I found out Dr Forrester had sabotaged the original Satellite Of Love.”

“Sa... bo...?” Jonah frowned. 

“Sabotage. He deliberately damaged the SOL. So I went to Gizmonic Institute and... stole some stuff. Built a spaceship. Used their launch pad to send myself back up into space. I repaired the SOL, met Mike for the first time and got to see all my bots again.” Joel stopped. 

Jonah cocked his head slightly and opened his mouth to say something, but closed it upon noticing the tears welling up in Joel’s eyes. 

Joel cleared his throat and wiped his eyes. “Sorry.” He said with a weak smile. “I... that was more than twenty years ago now. I still try and put it out of my mind, but it comes back.” He inhaled deeply and tried to relax himself, but his hands were clearly shaking. “Anyway, I got back in the spaceship, knowing I wasn’t going to make it down. I thought that was the last time I’d see the bots. It was so scary I still get nightmares. My psychiatrist back on Earth, she said I got PTSD.” 

Jonah put his arms around the much smaller man and pulled him in for a hug. “I’ss ‘kay.” He said, dribbling slightly into Joel’s hair. 

Joel hugged the taller man in return. He was grateful for Jonah’s touch. Sure Jonah was... the way he was, but he was still another human and although neither of them were exactly touch starved, it was still nice to be hugged. 

* * *

Mike managed to make it inside Gizmonic Institute, which was a lot different than he remembered it being. But buildings do change in twenty-odd years and this was a place dedicated to STEM, so he had no idea why he was expecting it to be the same. Especially when he’d been told that the building had been torched and raided just the year before. 

He’d been carrying an invention of Joel’s in case he was asked by any Gizmocrats for an Invention Exchange. It was one that Joel had shown Mike how it worked. There were plenty of Joel’s inventions that Mike had no idea how they worked, just that he still invented stuff and tinkered a lot. 

Walking down the hall, he didn’t expect to see a ghost from his past. Or who he thought was a ghost from his past. As they got closer to each other, it became obvious it _was_ who Mike thought it was. 

“Pearl Forrester.” Mike greeted coldly. “Fancy seeing you after all this time.”

“Mike Nelson. Fancy seeing you here at Gizmonic Institute.” 

“You don’t look like you’ve aged a day since I last saw you.” 

“You look like hell.” 

“I’m fifty-five now, Pearl. I _would_ look like hell. Why do you barely look older than me?” 

“Because of science.” 

“Why aren’t you still the Dictator for Life of Qatar?” 

“I gave all that shit up. Islamic Law says I can’t go on the slot machines, so I figured where’s the fun in that?” 

“Well... what about Bobo and Brain Guy?” 

“I see you’re still the same.” Pearl said. “And I’m not answering every question you throw at me.” 

Mike nodded and carried on walking down the hall. He stopped and turned back when he realised there was one more question he needed to ask, perhaps the most important one. 

“Pearl! Why are you here?”

“I... um... I’m here because-that is to say-I don’t have to answer you, Nelson. You’re just a temp.” 

“Technically I broke in here.” Mike said, shrugging it off. 

“Well, look at you breaking into high tech facilities.” Pearl said. “As long as you don’t touch anything here that might destroy this planet-“

“No, three planets is more than enough for one person to destroy in a lifetime.” Mike said hastily. 

“Why are _you_ here, Nelson?” Pearl asked. “If you broke in, I mean.”

“Nuh-uh. You first.” Mike said. 

“I’m looking for something.” Pearl replied cryptically. 

“What a surprise.” Mike said. “So am I.”

“We don’t have to work together, do we?” Pearl asked. 

“It depends if we’re looking for the same thing.” Mike said. 

“Are we?” 

Mike simply shrugged. 

“I’m looking for Clayton’s ashes. I heard they were here somewhere.” Pearl said.

“Oh, yeah. They _were_.” Mike said. “Apparently some guy torched and raided this place for them last year. TV’s Frank’s too.” 

“What.” Pearl was furious.

“It wasn’t me, Pearl. I only heard about it from the Big G Burger girl a few days ago.” 

Pearl growled. “I knew I should never have listened to Brain Guy!”

Mike wasn’t even going to question what Brain Guy had said or done. He was too afraid that Pearl would force him to watch another terrible movie. The last thing he wanted was to watch and riff on Fun in Balloon Land like that other Mike Nelson guy. He simply stayed in place and blinked, trying his hardest not to show his fear and remain emotionless. 

Pearl pushed past Mike and stormed off down the hallway. 

Once she had gone, Mike walked down the same hallway. Not to follow her; he was already going in that direction before he’d turned back. Though he knew that probably wouldn’t be the last time he’d be seeing Pearl Forrester. 

Mike’s cover as a janitor helped him a lot. It was easier to get around Gizmonic Institute and not be questioned. He knew that after the snowstorm had passed, he had to drive back to Joel’s, so that night was his best chance at finding the record room. 

* * *

On Moon 13, Donna tossed and turned on the break room couch, trying to make herself comfortable. Ever since Kinga had drained the Ark-3 of it’s fuel, effectively stranding her on the moon, Donna found herself increasingly restless. She decided to get up, since she couldn’t sleep anyway, and maybe visit Ardy in the brig. Kinga had locked him up there after she managed to restrain him in the cafeteria and it was all Donna’s fault. 

Actually it was Kinga’s fault. It was her fault that she had a problem with Donna and Jonah’s relationship. Sure Jonah had some problems, but Donna still found him to be as cute as he was when they first met. As she walked down the empty corridors with a blanket draped over her shoulders, Donna couldn’t help but think back to the tour last year. 

Eventually, she made it to the brig and to Ardy’s cell. 

“Ardy?” She whispered. 

Ardy looked up at Donna from the bench he’d been lying on. “Dr St Phibes. It’s nice to see you. Actually, it’s nice to see anyone.” He stood up and walked over to the bars. “I’ve been so lonely.” 

It was weird to see Ardy without his trademark Hazmat suit. Instead, he was wearing a grey Moon 13 branded prison jumpsuit, cut off at the knees and elbows, and tube socks. 

“I bet you have been.” Donna said.

“You know, next time I draw you for Secret Santa, I’m not going to go to such levels that I have to distract Kinga.” Ardy said. “It’s not worth it to be imprisoned.” 

Donna took one of Ardy’s hands in her own through the prison bars. “I appreciate what you did, Ardy. Thank you.” 

“How’s Jonah?” Ardy asked. 

“I didn’t know you cared about him.” Donna said. “He’s fine. Hanging in there, I guess.” 

“It’s a good thing you taught that gold robot CPR.” Ardy said. “That’s all I’m gonna say.” 

Donna simply nodded. If she hadn’t been there, if she hadn’t known CPR... it didn’t bear thinking about.

“How are _you_ doing?” Ardy asked.

“Me? I’m not the one who’s locked up in the brig.” Donna said. “It’s so weird to see... _you_ and not your Hazmat suit.” 

“I’m not surgically attached to it. It’s just my uniform.” Ardy said. “Have you been looking after Bonesy?” 

“Oh yes. Yes I have.” Donna said. “And I’ve been taking him outside too-under Synthia’s supervision. It-it takes forever to spacesuit up a dog.” 

Ardy scoffed. “Tell me about it.” 

“But at least he’s someone to talk to.” 

“Hey, you also have Kinga, Synthia, Max, the Boneheads and some of the others. I have nobody.”

“If you don’t mind me asking, where did Bonesy come from, exactly?” 

Ardy pulled away from the bars and his general demeanour turned cold. “It’s best you don’t know.”

“But I’m asking-“

“It’s best you don’t know.” Ardy repeated, coldly. 

Donna frowned. This was clearly a man who had secrets. The dog being one of them. She didn’t want to press him further, so she decided to simply just drop it. Instead, she took the blanket from her shoulders and passed it through the bars. 

“I think you could do with this more than I could.” 

Ardy looked at the blanket and pulled it through to his side. “Thanks.” He said. He sat down, cross legged, on the floor and wrapped the blanket around him. Better to be slightly warmer than freezing his ass off. 

Donna sat down opposite him. “The last person I sat down with like this was with Jonah.” She said. “It was on the Deep Hurting on the tour last year. I brought my Lord of the Deep along and one night, she was giving me visions of my own death, more-so than usual. So I figured she must have been hungry. I went to the room where we stored the food for the journey to earth and there he was, sitting on the floor.”

* * *

“Oh excuse me, I didn’t realise anyone else was in here.” Donna said. She thumbed back at the door. “I can leave though. If you want.” 

Jonah shot up from the floor, bumping his head on the ceiling. “Dr Donna. Hi.” He said, rubbing his sore head. “You-you can stay. I was only taking a drink of water anyway.” 

Donna pointed at the bottle of water Jonah was still holding. “You _do_ know that’s toilet water?” 

“It is?” Jonah looked down at the water. 

Donna nodded. “The drinking waters are the smaller bottles.” 

Jonah slid down against the wall in embarrassment. 

“I only came in here for a snack.” Donna said. “The Lord of the Deep is getting hungry.” 

“What... what do they usually eat?” Jonah asked, afraid to find out the answer. In all the B movies he’d ever seen, the B movie monsters usually ate people. 

“Fish, really. And various other marine creatures.” 

Jonah nodded. “Makes sense.” He said. “But why did you have to bring it on tour? The one time I looked at it, I had visions of my own at the hands of Kinga.” 

Donna frowned and shook her head. “No, Kinga wouldn’t kill you.” She sat down next to Jonah. “She’s barely evil-“

“She kidnapped me, forces me to re-enact my kidnapping-a few days ago, six times in a row-she tried to forcibly marry me... oh and she cattle prods me and threatens to cut off my oxygen if I don’t do as she commands.” Jonah listed. “She’s evil, Dr St Phibes.” 

Donna pondered what Jonah had just said. “Hm.” 

“How do _you_ know her?” Jonah asked. 

“Oh. Well we went to college together.” Donna said. “I was studying zoology and environmental science. She was studying a chemistry major with a minor in engineering.” 

“So she’s an _actual_ scientist?” Jonah asked. 

“Oh yes. She got her doctorate the same time as I did.” Donna said.

“She has a _doctorate_?!” That honestly surprised Jonah. It shouldn’t, but it did. “Why doesn’t she go by _Dr_ Kinga Forrester then?” 

Donna shrugged. “It’s possible she wants to distinguish herself from her father, Dr _Clayton_ Forrester.” 

“She carried on his experiments though.” Jonah pointed out. He paused for a moment before adding; “how do you know so much about her?” 

“We were friends... and college roommates.” Donna said. “After graduation, we went our separate ways. She left for Gizmonic Institute. I left to save animals. What about you?” 

“Well, I’m studying-I _was_ studying,” Jonah had to correct himself, “at Gizmonic Institute. I didn’t get to go to college the first time around. Too busy with music. Somehow I ended up moving from Hawaii to the Midwest, where I actually got recruited by the Gizmonic Institute. Really weird being around a bunch of younger people when I’m there in my thirties. I mean, I also had a job there doing R&D, but I was working on my thesis when Kinga kidnapped me.” 

“You said music...” 

“I’m a drummer.” Jonah said, not missing a beat. “Do you play anything?” 

“Erm. A bit of guitar, I suppose.” Donna shrugged. 

“Surprised. You strike me as someone who spent their teen and college years playing the flute.” 

Donna waved her hand dismissively. “Oh that was when I was _much_ younger.” 

Jonah smirked. “I knew it.” He said. “Can you still play _now_?” 

“Maybe.” Donna said. “I haven’t played since college.” 

“Can... can you show me?” 

“When we get to Earth, of course.” Donna said. “Can you show me your drums?” 

“Well, they’re stuck in my backjack on Moon 13. But if we find another set when we get to Earth, I’ll be happy to show you.” 

“Gross, are you two _flirting_?” 

Donna yelped in surprise and Jonah grabbed a tea towel, draping it over his groin area.

“Crow! How long have you been there?!” Jonah asked, his voice going up an octave. 

“Long enough that you want Dr St Phibes to give you a blow job.” Crow replied. 

Jonah went red. “I... no I don’t!” He avoided Crow’s and Donna’s gazes. “How did you learn such vulgar expressions?” 

“I hung out with Mike for like... twenty years.” Crow said. “In that time I heard every euphemism possible and saw him bring home everyone possible-men, women, neither, both, transgender prostitutes-“

Jonah raised an eyebrow. “Mike paid for transgender prostitutes?” 

“No, Mike _dated_ transgender prostitutes.” Crow said. 

“How very... open minded.” Donna stood up off the floor. 

Jonah let the tea towel fall to the floor as he also stood up. “I don’t want to hear any more about Mike’s sex life. And don’t think that gives you permission to talk about Joel’s either.” 

“Joel didn’t have a sex life.” Crow said. “He always said he was married to his job.” 

“Oh.” Jonah said. 

“He _was_ a drug addict though.” 

“O...kay.” Jonah said. The image of Joel that had been painted to him over the years did not involve any kind of drugs. But whatever, as his surrogate son, Crow knew him best. “What are you doing in here anyway, Crow?” 

“Servo’s trying to prank Synthia with the Blob and asked me to get some more water.” Crow said. 

“Blob?” Donna asked. 

“It’s probably best you see to that, Dr St Phibes.” Jonah said. “The bots found it in my shower. And I’m pretty sure it’s alive.” 

* * *

“ _Was_ it alive?” Ardy asked. 

“It _was_ alive.” Donna confirmed. “But I managed to find a new home for it on the Ark-3.” She was beginning to feel tired and the yawn only confirmed it.

Ardy stood up off the floor. “Look, thanks for coming to see me and all.” He took the blanket off and tried to shove it through the bars. 

“No, no. Keep it.” Donna said, standing up. “I can always find another one.” 

“If you’re sure.” Ardy said. 

“I’m sure.” Donna said. “Goodnight, Ardy.” 

“Goodnight, Dr St Phibes.” Ardy said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love Steven Universe. And that episode is a particular favourite. I wanna scream about the finale, but it isn’t out where I am yet, so I’ve only seen chunks.  
> Joel and Jonah having an Invention Exchange. Slowly, Joel is coming to learn and understand Jonah’s speech patterns now, but not fully.  
> Mike meeting with Pearl. I’m not wholly satisfied with how I’ve written Pearl here. I may go back and change it at some point. But it’s taken three weeks to write and the story has to move on, so I’m just posting what I’ve got. I’ll have another shot to get her right when Bobo and Brain Guy turn up (and believe me, they will turn up).  
> Fun in Balloon Land. Yikes. Now that was... it certainly does exist.  
> Something from Donna’s point of view. It was hard to get inside her head, given that she has such little screen time, but I tried and I think I pulled it off.  
> I know it’s common for Mike to be written as bi, but how about Mike written as pan?  
> And Joel the drug addict? Hmm.  
> Well, now for the announcement. I was going to announce that I’m going to be filling in the twenty years between Joel and Mike’s first meeting in Soultaker to when Joel is put back on the SOL, in this story’s world anyway. Since I’ve finished 1999 (which you can read in Back to Earth), it doesn’t really matter now anyway.  
> But yes, it does mean that noodle incidents, such as how they spent Christmas as a homeless shelter and how Crow got banned from American Airlines, will be explained at some point.


	17. Bad ET. Coke Everywhere

It had been just over a month since Joel had been kidnapped by Kinga and a few weeks since the last experiment. It wasn’t that unusual, sometimes he didn’t get psychological torture from Dr Forrester for weeks or months at a time either. But whereas Dr Forrester and TV’s Frank generally left him alone, Kinga... Kinga didn’t. Kinga was pestering him every chance she got for literally any little thing. It didn’t phase Jonah, who seemed to be used to being disturbed by Kinga. It frustrated Joel though, who was quickly getting more protective of Jonah the more he got to know him. 

When Joel heard the alarm ringing through the Satellite Of Love, he grabbed his glasses and sat bolt upright, bumping his head on the top bunk. He had been resting in the room 3 quarters, but that wasn’t the case anymore. He rubbed his forehead, thankful for the plate in his skull, and stood up, but was knocked back down by Crow and Growler running and Servo hovering past as quickly as their legs (and thrusters) could carry them. 

“What’s going on, guys?” He asked. 

“Kinga’s calling again.” Growler said. 

Joel shook his head. “When is she _not_ calling?” He stood up and sighed.

Jonah came walking through, slowly and carefully planning out his movements. Moving around the satellite was easier for him now that Joel had installed grab bars. It meant he could get around without Joel or one of the bots supporting him just in case he fell over. 

“Jo’el.” Jonah greeted. 

Joel waved back before walking through the numbered doors himself, following the bots onto the bridge. 

On the bridge, everyone was gathered, save Jonah, and so Joel pushed the glowing button that told everyone the Mads were calling. 

“Joel Robinson. Such a pleasure to see you again.” Kinga said from the screen. 

Joel sighed. “I saw you yesterday evening, Kinga. You woke me up.”

“Oh silly Joel!” Kings giggled girlishly and waved her hand. “I just like seeing you, don’t you know?” 

“Just get to it, would you?” Joel had lost much of his patience towards her. “Tell us you’re going to do some kind of experiment on the bots’ CPUs like you did last week.”

“Oh no, I was actually going to send up Magic Mushrooms and film you having a trip for my own entertainment.” Kinga said. 

Jonah arrived through the final door and staggered towards the desk, leaning forward over it. 

Joel raised an eyebrow. “Really?” 

“No, not really!” Kings shouted and stamped her foot. 

Joel didn’t even flinch. “Well, if that’s all, Kinga-“

“I wanted to let you know that you should prepare.” 

“Prepare for what?” Gypsum asked. 

“I’m restarting the experiment exactly one week from today, so-“

“Next Sunday, AD.” Joel finished.

“Exactly.” Kinga said. “So be prepared.” 

“We will be.” Joel said. “Bye, Kinga.” 

“Toodles, boys-and Gypsum. Push the button, Max.” 

The screen went dark. 

“Oh great.” Crow said. 

“Like life here couldn’t get _any_ worse.” Servo complained. 

“What movie do you think she’ll show?” M. Waverly asked. 

“The Beast Of Yucca Flats!” Crow said. 

“Are you kidding?” Servo asked. “Dr Forrester already showed that one _years_ ago.” 

“Oh yeah.” Crow said. “I guess I forgot because it was so bad and forgettable.” 

“Ga’t...let.” Jonah said carefully. “She show ‘no-tha ga’t’et.” 

Servo threw his arms up. “No! I barely survived the _first_ one!”

“We _all_ barely survived the first one.” Crow said. “She’d better not be showing another gauntlet.”

“But if she _did_ , we could just trap her in the movie vault again, right, Jonah?” 

Jonah shook his head. “No... uh... dupe ‘gain. Too... uh... uh...” He struggled to find the word and became visibly more frustrated until he growled out and angrily shook his fist. 

“She’s too wary now.” Servo offered. “Is that it?” 

“Wa-ry?” Jonah frowned and considered the word. 

“Like she’d be expecting another stunt like that.” Crow said.

“Wary.” Jonah nodded. 

“There’s a story there, isn’t there?” Joel asked. 

“Jonah, Servo and I trapped Kinga in her movie vault using her own containment vessel.” Crow said. “Oh you should have been there, Joel, it was _awesome_.” 

“I’ll take your word on the awesomeness levels, Crow.” Joel said, patting Crow on the head.

“Is Mike actually coming for us?” Servo asked out of the blue.

“Um, well, I don’t rearly know.” Joel admitted. “But I’m sure-“

“Only I don’t actually want to watch whatever movie Kinga’s got planned for us.” Servo said. 

“I’m sure it won’t be as bad as Monster A-Go Go.” Joel said. 

“Speak for yourself, _you_ never saw Red Zone Cuba.” Crow said. 

“Or Carnival Magic.” Servo added. 

“Cry... Wi’dder’esh” Jonah shook his head. “Bad. So bad.” 

“Paul, your father’s in great danger!” Crow said. 

“ _All_ the movies I’ve seen are pretty bad.” Gypsum said. “But by far the worst and by the easiest margin was Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny.” 

Growler shook his head. “Oh that one was terrible.”

“Worse than Ator.” M. Waverly said. 

“Wait, Ator?” Joel asked. “M. Waverly, Cave Dwellers was nearly thirty years ago, how do _you_ know Ator?” 

“What’s Cave Dwellers?” M. Waverly asked. “Ator’s from Ator the Fighting Eagle.” 

“He’s from both.” Servo said. “It was weird seeing Ator because that was an hour and a half of the introduction of Cave Dwellers, which felt like an hour and a half long.” 

“Hamlet!” Crow cried out. “That horrible German Hamlet movie.”

“Oh yeah, that was _so_ boring!” Servo agreed. 

“Worse than The Castle Of Fu Manchu?” Joel asked. 

Crow and Servo looked at each other, neither of them saying anything. 

“I take that as a ‘no’, then guys.” Joel said. 

“Probably just as bad.” Servo said. 

Cambot blorped to try and get Joel’s attention.

“Hey, Cambot, honey, what’s the matter?” 

“Oh I know-Danger! Death Ray was his worst movie.” Servo said. “I remember, it made him cry.” 

“Cambot, did you cry at a movie?” Joel asked. 

Cambot whirred affirmatively. 

“Oh you poor thing.” Joel said. “I didn’t know you _could_ cry.”

“Of _course_ he can, Joel.” Servo said. “You programmed _him_ with free will, just as you programmed _us_ with free will.” 

“And Jonah programmed _us_ with free will.” M. Waverly said. 

“Yeah.” Joel turned to Jonah. “How _did_ you do that?” 

Jonah pointed at Crow and Servo and Gypsum. “Co-de.” He said. “Fo...low. They co-de. Make... make M. Wav...ly ‘n’ G’owler.” 

“Impressive.” Joel adjusted his glasses. 

Jonah simply shrugged. 

“So, Growler, what’s the worst movie you’ve seen?” Joel asked. 

“The Day Time Ended was pretty bad.” Growler said. “Plot was very incoherent and just generally all over the place. But I don’t think any movie I’ve ever seen is the _worst_.”

“But if you _had_ to say.” Crow pressed. 

“Then I’d say Atlantic Rim.” Growler said. 

“Oh!” Crow exclaimed, shaking his head. “Dear god.” 

“What’s Atlantic Rim?” Joel asked. “Wait, before you answer-do I want to know?” 

“Iss bad.” Jonah said. He put his thumb and forefinger together and made the okay sign with his trembling right hand. 

Joel nodded, understanding Jonah instantly. “Right.” 

“Tells you it all, doesn’t it?” Gypsum said. “Seriously, Joel. Don’t search it out. Just don’t. It’s... I thought the worst was Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny, and I mean, it still is, but Atlantic Rim is a _very_ close second. Poor Guillermo Del Toro.” 

“Poor Conan the Barbarian too.” Crow said. “He was ripped off for Ator.” 

“Mac ‘n’ Me.” Jonah blurted out. “Worst. Bad ET. Coke ‘vrywhere.” 

“Oh man. How could we have forgotten about Mac and Me?” M. Waverly asked.

“Yeah, that movie was awful.” Crow agreed. “It was just one big, hour and a half long, advertisement for Coke and Skittles.” 

“And McDonalds.” Servo added. 

“Yeah, and McDonalds.” Crow said. “But at least it had a shootout to make it more interesting.” 

“Shot E’ic. Died.” Jonah said. “Ne’er ET wou’n’t.” 

“You’re right.” Gypsum said. “ET didn’t kill Elliot. And Elliot didn’t use a wheelchair.”

“Yeah, somehow that makes it worse.” Crow said. “Like if someone were to shoot Jonah.”

“Hey!” Jonah protested.

* * *

Mike sat in Joel’s kitchen, looking over the documents he managed to steal from Gizmonic Institute. There were some things he didn’t know about, like the fact that Joel had a middle name and was still technically under employment of the Gizmonic Institute. But he also found something that completely shocked him. If Joel found out, it would shock him too. 

At first, Mike didn’t want to believe it. But there was just so much paperwork and red tape around it that it couldn’t have been a hoax. And he’d been looking at the paperwork for weeks now. He had to get Joel back. He just had to. This mess needed to be sorted. But in these sub-zero temperatures, he wasn’t sure he would be able to go out for today. Or tomorrow. Or until the weekend. 

He pushed the chair away from the table and stood up, leaving the paperwork behind him. He walked into the living room, picked up the remote control and turned on the TV. He threw the remote onto the sofa as Teen Titans Go played in the background, and went to look out the window. 

The snow was falling steadily, which was to be expected. It was January in the Midwest. The snow was gently covering Joel’s rose bush, and Joel loved that rose bush. He’d nurtured it for the past nineteen years and it meant a lot to the both of them. Joel had planted it to mark the start of his sobriety off drugs and that was the day their little family was truly formed. 

And now, one by one, that family had been ripped from Mike. He knew where they were... roughly. But getting there would be the bigger problem. He didn’t know what to do, but he knew he had to do something. Even if that something meant going back to Gizmonic Institute and commandeering a Backjack. 

Mike sat down on the sofa and turned the channel off Teen Titans Go. Rocky and Bullwinkle was on Freeform so he decided to sit down and watch that. He remembered taking Crow and Servo to the cinema to see it, their fist proper cinema experience. They wouldn’t stop talking and riffing the entire time, but the theatre was relatively empty, so it didn’t matter too much. He only took them to distract them from Joel’s drug abuse anyway. 

Crow. Servo. Joel. Mike felt his heart sink in his chest as he remembered his lost family members. But he still settled in to watch it, mostly to remember good times. And he had to distract himself from that bombshell. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit of filler, but brings it back to the main plot.  
> Jonah’s becoming more open with Joel as the two are becoming friends. And together they’re modifying the SOL for Jonah’s disabilities.  
> A brief discussion of the worst, most irredeemable movies.  
> And what exactly did Mike find? Why he found a plot point of course!


	18. They Already Lie About the Captchas

Jonah woke up with a start. That hadn’t been the first kinky dream he’d had about Dr Donna in the last week or so. Rather than dreaming about his loved ones that he’d never see again or about his kidnapping that he had to relive over and over... they were sexy dreams about Dr Donna. 

The more he dreamed about her, the more he remembered who she was. She was someone that was important to him. They’d talked to each other through Cambot a lot. They’d spent seven weeks in each other’s close company. They’d had sex more than once-not including that time in the Deep Hurting where they’d been caught by Synthia. He’d proposed marriage. But he couldn’t remember whether she’d rejected him or not. Was he engaged? 

Jonah lifted the blankets up and off him and stood up using the grab bars that he and Joel had installed. This was a much better way because now Jonah has the satisfaction of sound simple things for himself and Gypsum could focus on the higher functions of the SOL once again. And thanks to their new seizure alarm system-co-designed by both Jonah and Joel-Jonah could sleep alone once again. He hadn’t slept alone since before the coma. 

Granted, not all of Jonah’s problems were sorted. He still couldn’t communicate effectively. Then there was the incontinence. The vertigo. The brain fog. The fatigue. The poor co-ordination. The hearing problems. The drooling. The mood regulation issues. The memory loss. The fact that he still might fall over and had to think long and hard about his every step. But the grab bars helped a lot. And though the seizure alarm system and the medication didn’t cure his epilepsy, they did make it so it was safer for him to sleep alone and that the bots and Joel didn’t have to take it in turns watching him. 

Simple adaptions made not only Jonah’s life easier, but the lives of everyone caring for him. The more independence Jonah had, the better it was for him and the less Joel and the bots had to do. 

Over the course of the past month, Jonah and Joel had grown closer together, with Joel usually writing down what he wanted to say to Jonah and Jonah responding verbally. It wasn’t a perfect system, but it worked for them. Jonah had come to trust Joel deeply after Joel told Jonah his own story of being disabled. And though Jonah was the taller one, he still hadn’t stopped looking up to Joel as an inventor. Having Joel on board was good for Jonah in that respect as well, because it got him up into the workshop and encouraged him to keep inventing (though he couldn’t be there without either Joel or one of the bots because of his epilepsy and the power tools).

But everything was somehow easier to manage now. He’d even made it through the bridge and to the bathroom by himself. He couldn’t have done that before Kinga kidnapped Joel. Jonah was secretly happy that she had, although releasing him would have been better. 

“Hey, Jonah.” Joel greeted. 

Jonah jerked in shock. He hadn’t expected Joel to walk in on him as he was cleaning up after himself. 

“Did I startle you?” Joel asked. 

“Sta-tl.” Jonah nodded. 

“I was just...” Joel pointed to the number 6 door. “Bridge.” 

“Kay.” Jonah said. 

Joel looked down at Jonah’s jumpsuit. “You’re wet.” 

“Wet.” Jonah repeated. “Bed... cha’ge.” 

Joel nodded in understanding. “I’ll do that. Clean jumpsuit first.” 

Jonah nodded again. He liked when Joel spoke in short sentences. It was easier to understand. The bots didn’t, but he’d had longer to get used to them than Joel. 

Joel motioned for Jonah fo follow him into the laundry room. 

Jonah pulled himself along the grab rails and followed Joel. Albeit slowly. It still took a while for him to plan his movements and think about where he was going to put his feet. And he was scared of his knees buckling underneath him, something which had happened more than once. Especially when a seizure was near. But he’d taken his medication. Even so, they still happened. But he made it to the next room, no problem. 

Joel pulled one of Jonah’s yellow jumpsuits out of the dryer, thankful that Gypsum had put a fresh load of Jonah’s laundry earlier the previous day. “Here.” He handed Jonah the jumpsuit. 

“Did you pee? Or did water splash you?” He asked. What happened would determine the urgency to wash it.

Jonah flushed bright red. “Doc’ Don-na.” 

Joel screwed his eyes shut as he realised what Jonah was implying. “Oh. Um... I’m not-I can’t talk about this.” He said. “I don’t have sexual feelings. Not to people.” 

“What... do I do?” Jonah asked. 

“Jumpsuit.” Joel said. “Change.” 

“Help?” 

Joel shook his head. “Not this time, honey.” He walked out of the door, leaving Jonah behind. 

Jonah looked down at the jumpsuit in his hand and began to make his way, slowly, back to his room. 

* * *

Joel sat on his bed with a letter in his lap and his head in his hands. There were three days left until the experiment and he didn’t know what to do or say. Whether he _could_ even say anything. 

Crow was sitting next to him. He knew the letter’s contents too. 

“You should just tell Jonah what’s happened.” Crow said. 

Joel lifted his head. “Crow, I can’t just-what do I say? ‘Oh hey, I had a letter from Kinga this morning, it says that in the time she’s held you imprisoned and almost killed you twice, your mom died?’” 

“Well, _your_ mom died when you were in captivity.” Crow said. 

“No my _dad_ died while I was in captivity.” Joel corrected. “Mom died when I was back on Earth. It’s how I ended up back in the Midwest.” He said quietly. 

“Remember when _you_ almost died?” Crow asked. 

“Crow, I _did_ die.”

“Yeah, but only for a minute.” 

Joel sighed. Crow was right. “I know. It was temporary.” He said. “But it _could_ have been permanent.” 

“We’d still have Mike, at least.” Crow said. He looked up at Joel. “Joel, I miss Mike.” 

Joel put his arm around the gold robot. “I know you do.” 

“You do too.” Crow said. 

“Yes I do. Very much so.” 

“Joel, what if _Mike’s_ dead?” 

“Then I’ll find a way to get us down myself.” 

“Joel, you know Jonah’s mom?”

“Yeah?” 

“How are you going to tell him?” 

Joel took his arm from around Crow and looked down at the letter again. “I don’t know, honey.” 

“What’s going to happen to _us_ when you and Mike and Jonah all die?” Crow asked.

Joel took his glasses off and bit the arm. Admittedly, he hadn’t thought of that, not in great detail. And not with Jonah in the equation. “Well, Mike and I thought it’d be best to have Gypsum look after you both.” 

“Both?” Crow asked. 

“Yeah, you and Tommy.” Joel said.

“But-but what about Cambot and Gypsum?” Crow asked. “What’ll happen to them?”

“You meant the four of you.” Joel said, nodding in understanding. He put his glasses back on. “Well... to put it simply, Crow, honey, I don’t know.” Joel replied. 

“And you know how Jonah is.” Crow said. “Who’s going to look after him now his parents are dead?” 

Joel’s blood ran cold. “What.” 

“Jonah’s an orphan now, Joel.” Crow said. “What’s going to happen to him?”

“I...I don’t know.” Joel said. “Does he have any siblings?” 

“An older brother. Just like you.” Crow said. “And Mike actually. Wait, why do you _all_ have older brothers?” 

Joel chuckled weakly. “Because we do, Crow. You have an older sister _and_ an older brother. You also have a younger brother.” 

“Servo.” Crow said. 

“You’re a middle child.” 

“I’d rather be an _only_ child.” Crow said. 

“No, you don’t mean that.” Joel said. “Look at Kinga and how she turned out. Telling people by letter to tell other people that their parents are dead.”

“She also electrocuted your balls.” Crow said. 

Joel flushed red with embarrassment. “Yes, okay!” 

Gypsum descended from the ceiling. “Hey. I couldn’t help but overhear Jonah’s mom died?”

“According to this letter Kinga sent me, yeah.” Joel held the letter up for Gypsum to see. “I miss the days when the only letters we’d get were fanmail.”

“We still get fanmail.” Crow said. “Only these days we have a Twitter for that.” 

“Wait, _you_ have a _Twitter_?” Joel asked.

“Yep, mine’s @actualCrowbot.” Crow said. 

“You know mine, Joel. @ConGypsCo-I still run my company’s Twitter.” Gypsum said. “Servo and Cambot both have one too.” 

“They sure do-@officialcambot and @majorhtom.” Crow said. “Jonah’s is @jonahjheston. Growler and Waverly don’t have one. They’re too young. They already lie about the captchas, they can’t lie about their ages too.” 

“How did I not know you had social media? Before Kinga kidnapped us all, I lived with you.” Joel said. “Could we use them to contact Mike?”

“Nah, Kinga watches what we do on it.” Crow said. 

“Yeah, she _does_ do that.” Gypsum said. “We’ve already tried to get in touch with you-rather _Jonah_ has.” 

“How did _that_ go?” Joel asked, though deep down, he already knew the answer.

“Kinga recalled him down to Moon 13 and cattle prodded him.” Crow said

“Of course she did.” Joel nodded, folding the letter back up. “Of course she did.” 

“So what are you gonna do about Jonah’s mom?” Gypsum asked. 

“I don’t know, Gyps.” Joel admitted. 

“I’ll be there when you tell him, if you want?” Gypsum offered. “I’ve been looking after him for months now, so he might take it better if I’m there.” 

Joel nodded. “Good idea.” 

“What about _me_?” Crow asked. 

“Well, for the first few months, you point blank refused to accept that there was anything wrong with Jonah.” Gypsum said.

“At least I’m not avoiding him like Servo is.” 

“Come to think of it, Tom _is_ acting a little strange.” Joel said. 

“He’s been like this ever since Jonah...” Gypsum trailed off. 

“Since he got brain damage?” Joel finished. 

“He feels bad, I think.” Crow said. “I don’t feel anything at all.” 

“He’s lying.” Gypsum said. “I know he feels feels. Denial is the first stage of grief.” 

“I don’t think any of you have taken this very well.” Joel said. “The best adjusted of you is Growler.”

“What do you mean?” Crow asked. 

“Well, all the rest of you seem... stuck in the stages of grief.” Joel explained. “If Crow’s ‘denial’, then Cambot and Jonah are ‘anger’, Gyps, you and Waverly are ‘bargaining’, Tom’s ‘depression’ and Growler’s ‘acceptance’.” 

“What are you then, Joel?” Crow asked. 

“I’m pissed off that Kinga gave me a letter to tell Jonah that his parents are dead.” Joel said, standing up from his bed.

“Where are you going?” Gypsum asked. 

“To the bridge. I’m going to call Kinga and tell her that I’m not doing her dirty work for her.” 

“But what if she shocks you in the balls again?” Crow asked. “What If she shocks your hip?”

“Crow, she already did and I didn’t get electrocuted from it.”

“Technically you did because every cattle prod shock was an electrocution-“

“He’s talking about my hip replacement, Gyps.” 

“I know that.” Gypsum said. “I guess logic just kinda took over.” 

“And what if she shocks your head-you have metal in your skull.” Crow said. 

“I had a metal plate in my head because I had parts of my skull taken out.” Joel said. “The metal is not _in_ my skull.” 

“Oh.” Crow said. 

“Crow, honey, I’ll be _fine_.” Joel patted Crow’s shoulder. “I know metal’s a conductor for electricity, but _not_ the kind of metal they use to repair people with.” 

“Does that make you the Six Million Dollar Man?” Crow asked. 

“I’m pretty sure he’s worth more than six million with inflation.” Joel said. 

“Yeah, he’d actually be worth thirty-five million dollars in 2019.” Gypsum said. “Not that The Thirty-Five Million Dollar Man is as catchy.” 

“Then I’m probably the thirty five million dollar man with how expensive my medical bills have been since the accident.” Joel said. 

“Given you broke three of your limbs and damaged your skull around your eye socket and you had other injuries too.” Crow said. “You really _are_ the Six Million Dollar Man.” 

“I’m fine, Crow.” 

“Only because they rebuilt you.” 

“I had plates and screws fixing my broken bones, Crow. And then I had a hip replacement. The only ‘six million dollars’ was in my medical bills.” 

“Which _I_ helped pay off.” Gypsum added.

“And I appreciate that, Gyps, honey.” Joel patted Gypsum on her head. 

“I’m just sorry I wasn’t there. You built me to keep you alive and-“

“No, it’s not your fault, you had to keep _Mike_ alive.” Joel said. “And Jonah’s brain damage isn’t your fault either, it’s _Kinga’s_.”

“I don’t like Kinga.” Crow said. 

“Me either.” Joel admitted. He walked through the door labelled 4. 

* * *

Back on Earth and in Osseo Minnesota, Mike sat in Joel’s living room, reading over and over the papers he’d straight up stolen from Gizmonic Institute. He had been right about Jonah Jay Heston, a grad student who worked in research and development and as a Backjack driver and went missing on a meteor collecting mission after flying past the dark side of the moon. 

A last name caught Mike’s eye; Forrester. Kinga Forrester. The daughter of Clayton that Joel had mentioned a few times over the years. TV’s Frank had a son too. Mike also knew that from Joel. They’d been in employment at Gizmonic, just as Joel and Dr F had. They’d been fired. And then they’d recruited some people from Gizmonic and then nothing. They’d all dropped off the face of the Earth. Or had they gone to Deep 13?

A knock on the door startled Mike from his thoughts and he put the papers down to go and answer it. 

“Oh, hey, Andy.” Mike greeted. 

“Hey, Mike.” Andrew greeted. “No news on Joel?” 

Mike shook his head. “No. But I’m doing everything I can to find him.” 

“I think I may have already found him.” Andrew said. “Or rather Mary has.” 

“What... what do you mean?” Mike asked. 

“Well, Mary was on Netflix earlier and she came across a show, Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Joel happened to be on the latest episode. He left to be an actor again. And _you_ were on that show too-why didn’t you say you were an actor too, Mike?” 

“Because I’m not.” Mike said. 

“What?” Andrew asked.

“All that... it _really_ happened.” Mike said. “Joel was sent up first, I did a temp job and then I was sent up. I really spent all that time up there, forced to watch terrible movies.” 

“... No.” 

“Yes.” 

“It can’t...” Andrew frowned. “Is that why Joel’s so closed off about his past?”

“You’d have to ask Joel.” Mike said. 

“Well... in any case, if the Satellite Of Love is _really_ real, then he’s there.” Andrew said. 

“I thought as much.” Mike said. “Thank you.” 

“You might wanna check Netflix.” Andrew added.

“I probably should.” Mike said. “Thanks again, Andy.”

He shut the door and groaned. “For god’s sake.” He muttered. He’d been right to go to Gizmonic Institute. He’d been right about Jonah. And now he was right about Mystery Science Theater 3000. Kinga Forrester, Max and Joel’s clone had disappeared because they’d restarted Mystery Science Theater 3000 and kidnapped the bots, Jonah and now Joel. And in order to rescue them, Mike was not only going to have to revisit his past, but he’d also have to seek help from the one person he really, _really_ didn’t want to.

He took his phone from his pocket and unlocked it. He looked through his contacts-most of them friends, family, neighbours, ConGypsCo, Joel... until he arrived at the name at the bottom of the list titled ‘ **zzzzz** ’ and tapped the call button. 

“Hey.” Mike said, groaning slightly. “Hey, yeah. Listen, uh... Eddie... much as I hate to say it,” he paused, “but I need a favour...”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah. Jonah. He’s getting along a lot better since having basic adaptions. But how’s he going to react to his mother’s death?  
> And yeah, that kinky Dr Donna dream is what bumped up the rating to M.  
> @majorhtom is actually my handle on Instagram and Tumblr. Sorry Servo. But feel free to find me there. I post a lot of Disney/MST3K stuff.  
> And next chapter may feature Mike’s brother Eddie, or it may be the chapter after. Depending on whether we go down to Moon 13. But there will be a flashback to Dr F and TV’s Frank in Deep 13 coming up.


	19. So Sleepy Eyes Has A Clone

Joel knocked on Jonah’s bedroom door and walked in, still holding the letter from Kinga. 

Jonah looked up at Joel like an expectant puppy. 

“Jonah.” Joel inhaled deeply. “Kinga gave me this letter.” He handed the letter over to Jonah. “It’s best you read it.” 

Jonah nodded and took the letter from Joel’s hand. 

As Jonah read the contents, Joel could tell that he was getting more and more upset and agitated. “I’m really sorry.” He said. “My dad died when I was up here too. Dr Forrester never told me.” 

Jonah looked up at Joel with tears in his eyes. “Mo-mmy.” He squeaked. “My mom’s dead.” 

“I-“

“Dad. Gone. Mom. Gone.” Jonah shook his head and wiped his eyes with the heel of his hand. “‘Lone.” He said. 

“Jonah, you aren’t alone.” Joel put his hand on Jonah’s shoulder. “You’ve got me. The bots. Donna. Mike. _We’re_ your family.” 

“Fam’ly.” Jonah repeated. 

“That’s right.” Joel said. “And I won’t let Kinga hurt you.” 

“P’omish?” Jonah asked. 

“Promise.” Joel said. 

“Stay?” Jonah asked. 

Joel nodded. “I’ll stay.” He said, sitting down on Jonah’s bed, next to him. 

* * *

It would be until showtime before Jonah came out of his room and stopped crying. A full three days before any of the bots, except Gypsum, saw him. Joel and Gypsum had popped in and out with food, water, clean clothes and towels. But the first time Jonah had left his own room, was when he was standing on the bridge in his yellow Gizmonic Institute jumpsuit, alongside Joel (who was wearing his red jumpsuit), Crow and Servo. 

“Welcome to the Satellite Of Love, my name is Joel Robinson and this is Jonah Heston. These are our robot friends, Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot. If you’re watching this, Mike, please hurry it up.” Joel sighed. “For the past month, I’ve been readjusting to life in space. Because not only did I never expect to be shot up here the _first_ time, I also didn’t expect it the _second_ time.” 

“Oh yeah.” Jonah nodded. “You... space, my job.” He tapped on his chest. “You... uh...” He made a cleaning motion on the desk in front of him. 

“I was a janitor. Then I hosted Mystery Science Theater 3000. (Didn’t get paid for that). Then I did pyrotechnics. Then I managed a Hot Fish Shop. And now...” Joel looked up as the tube descended down. “Oh crap.” 

The tube sucked Joel up and Jonah and the bots looked up at it. 

“This is going to be a regular occurrence, isn’t it?” Servo asked. 

“Why doesn’t it suck you up anymore?” Crow asked.

Jonah shrugged. 

“Well it should.” Crow said indignantly.

* * *

Joel was let out of the tube into Moon 13. 

“Welcome, Joel.” Max greeted. 

“Don’t get friendly with the prisoners, Max.” Kinga said. “We’re recording a new theme song, just for you, Robinson.” 

“Don’t mean to burst your bubble, but I’ve already had my own theme song.” Joel said. “In the not too distant future, next Sunday AD, there was a guy named Joel, not too different-“

“Shut up.” Kinga said. “How did the backstory bit go?” 

“Backstory bit?” Joel asked. “Oh um... he did a good job cleaning up the place, but his bosses didn’t like him so they shot him into space? That it? That’s what you mean?” 

“Yeah, we’re changing that. SKELETON CREW!” Kinga screamed. 

* * *

Up on the SOL, Jonah drummed his fingers impatiently on the desk as Crow and Servo talked. Mainly about Mike. 

“Yeah, but do you _really_ think Mike is coming?” Servo asked. 

“I’m not sure what to think, actually.” Crow admitted. “On one hand, he’d never leave us behind. But on the other... he’s hopeless.”

“Remember that murder-bot he made?” Servo asked. 

“Oh god, don’t remind me!”

Joel walked back onto the bridge, after having been dumped back in the Satellite Of Love. “Hey guys.”

“Ahem!” Gypsum cleared her throat loudly. 

“Hey guys _and_ Gypsum.” Joel greeted. 

“You took forever.” Crow said. 

“I was gone ten minutes, Crow.” Joel said. “Kinga made a new opening sequence for me and shocked me when I didn’t do things to her standard.” 

“That’s right I did.” Kinga said. “Invention Exchange. Now!” 

Joel put his palms on the desk. “Gee, Kinga, I haven’t got one this week.” 

“Why not?” Kinga snapped. 

“Oh you know why.” Under his glasses, Joel narrowed his eyes challengingly. 

“Joel? You, uh, you okay there, buddy?” Crow asked. “Only you’re not-“

Joel patted Crow’s bowling pin beak as a way to tell him to be quiet. “Instead of an Invention Exchange, why don’t you tell me about the guy you had here before Jonah.” 

“What...” Kinga chuckled nervously. “I don’t... I don’t know what you’re talking about.” She motioned for a nearby Bonehead.

“Oh sure you do, Kinga.” Joel said. “He wore a purple jumpsuit and I believe his name was... _Matt_.”

“Matt? Who’s Matt?” Crow muttered. 

Servo shook his head. 

“MAX!” Kinga screeched. 

Max rushed over. “You screamed, Kinga?”

“I don’t have time for this. Send them the movie.” Kinga stormed offscreen with the Bonehead. 

That was when Joel knew he was on the right track. There _had_ been a purple jumpsuit guy. And that purple jumpsuit guy had a name. Probably from Gizmonic Institute as well. There definitely seemed to be some sort of cover up. So something, something _bad_ , had happened. Likely a death. A murder. 

“Alright.” Max rubbed his hands together. “Your movie today is Birdemic. You... you will not enjoy it. It’s full of the worst acting, worse editing and even worse special effects-and we’re talking-“

“I’ve already seen Birdemic.” Joel said. 

“Oh.” Max looked thrown for a loop. “Well... you’re still watching it. Ardy!” 

“Yeah, yeah, I’m coming.” Down in Moon 14, Ardy was wearing his hazmat suit as usual, but he had his helmet under his arm.

“Helmet on, Ardy!” Max hissed loudly.

“Well, you just released me from the brig, so-“ Ardy, ever so briefly, looked towards the camera and everyone up on the Satellite Of Love got a look at his face. 

“WHOA!”

“OH MY GOD!” 

“You!” 

“What the the heck?!”

“Yikes!” 

The SOL occupants were surprised by what they saw.

“You _didn’t_ see that.” Max chuckled nervously. “Because in fact, you didn’t see _anything_. Ardy?” 

“Yep. Movie in the hole!” Ardy, with his helmet firmly on, pulled down on the lever, as usual, sending the Kingachrome fluid up to the SOL. 

“That was Joel.” Crow said.

“That wasn’t me.” Joel said.

“It _was_ you.” Servo said. “Young you.” 

Gypsum hummed. “I’m inclined to agree with Tom, maybe there’s time travel or-“

The lights started flashing on the bridge and an alarm started blaring. 

“Movie sign!” Jonah shouted and everyone scrambled into the theater. 

* * *

“Max!” Kinga shrieked. “How the hell does he know about Matt Claude Van Damme?”

“I honestly don’t know, Kinga-“

“I thought we covered it up enough.” Kinga began pacing. “There are people down here who’ve never heard of him.”

“Well, I don’t think it’s anyone’s fault-“

“It’s _your_ fault Max!” Kinga stamped her foot. “You know what we have to do now!”

“Wipe his memory?” Max asked, flinching slightly. 

“Wipe his memory!” 

“Whose memory are we wiping?” Synthia asked.

“Joel’s.” Max said.

“No.” Synthia shook her head. “No, no, no. That can’t happen. Think of the implications, Kinga. Larry wouldn’t like it, he’s already told me to tell you to get rid of Joel-“

Kinga folded her arms. “Larry-who the hell’s Larry?” 

“My friend, Larry. Dr Erhardt.”

“Your _friend_?”

“Yes, Kinga, he’s my friend so I’ll call him Larry if I want to.” Synthia said. 

“He’s not your ‘friend’, he’s your internet boyfriend-stop lying.” 

“So what if he is.”

“Ladies please!” Max said loudly, causing the two women to stop arguing. “I know it’s hard to get away from people here, but you’ve really gotta hold it together.” 

Kinga sighed. “After Birdemic, I want you to get Joel down here and then you’re to send him to Bree for a memory wipe.”

“Kinga, please.” Synthia said. “You need to do this another way.” 

* * *

Mike was watching TV when there was a knock on Joel’s door. Actually it was more of a pounding noise that Mike recognised instantly. He turned off the TV and walked out of the living room to open the door. 

“What’d you want me for, Mikey?”

“Nice to see you too, Eddie.” Mike greeted. “Please, come in.” He said, stepping aside slightly to let his older brother in. He noted how Eddie reeked of cigarettes, still obviously having not kicked the habit yet. 

“This the Sleepy Eyed Guy’s house?” Eddie asked, looking around.

“He’s got a name, Eddie.” Mike said. “And it’s Joel.” 

“Whatever.” Eddie patted the table by Joel’s front door, the one that once held the bowl for Joel’s keys, but now held Mike’s. 

“Look, I need some advice.” 

“And you turned to _me_?” 

“Joel’s missing.” 

“He’s probably just avoiding you.” 

“He’s on the moon.” 

“You’ve lost your mind.” 

“He’s been kidnapped and taken to the moon. By Dr Forrester’s daughter, TV’s Frank’s son and his clone.” 

That caught Eddie’s attention. He turned around. “TV’s Frank had a clone?” 

“You know, that isn’t exactly clear.” Mike said. “But no, I’m talking about Joel.”

Eddie raised an eyebrow. “Sleepy Eyes is a clone of TV’s Frank?” 

“Let me explain it better.” Mike walked out of the hall and into the kitchen where all the documents were. He leafed through the pile until he found the page he wanted. He walked out of the kitchen and into the hall, but Eddie wasn’t there. He sighed and walked to the living room, where Eddie was. 

“It’s all here.” Mike handed the page to Eddie. 

Eddie snatched the page from Mike and looked over it. “Ah. So _Sleepy Eyes_ has a clone.” 

“I don’t know why you call him ‘old’ you’re both sixty.” Mike said. “But yeah, it seems so. The clone’s name is Ardy and he was made by Dr Forrester and raised at Gizmonic Institute.” 

“How do you know he’s working with the evil scientist and fry cook’s kids?” 

“I’ve seen the show, Eddie.”

“Ardy, huh?” Eddie flipped the page. “Where’d you get this?” 

“Uh... I got it from Gizmonic Institute.” Mike admitted. 

“‘Zat where you went on that job and got shot in space by that weirdo scientist?” Eddie asked. “You _actually_ went back to that dump?” 

“Yes it was and yes I did.” Mike said. “My best friend is missing.” 

Eddie snorted. “You mean your _boyfriend_ , right?” 

“Look, just because I went out with Steve-“

“And Jon and Larry and Jim and Glen and Destiny and Garrett and-“

“Destiny’s a girl.” Mike said firmly.

Eddie rolled his eyes. “Pre-op transgender prostitute.” 

Mike folded his arms. “Female sex worker.” 

“Why’d you ask me here if you were just gonna argue with me?”

Mike sighed. “Joel isn’t my boyfriend. But he is my _best_ friend and he _is_ missing.” 

“What’d you want me to do about it?” 

“I need to... I need to steal something.” 

“Can’t help ya, Mikey.” 

“I know you got fired from your last temp job for racketeering.”

“The hell’s racketeering?” 

“Fraud.” Mike said. 

“So I defrauded a company.” Eddie shrugged. “So what, who cares?”

“It was Make-A-Wish, Eddie.” Mike said. “I’m sure the sick kids and their parents care.” 

“So you want me to defraud Gizmonic Institute?” Eddie asked. 

“I want you to help me steal something from there.” 

“What kind of something?” Eddie asked. 

Mike picked up a photo from the coffee table and handed it to Eddie. 

“What’s that?” Eddie asked, taking the photo from Mike. 

“It’s called a Backjack. They use them for space travel at Gizmonic Institute. The drivers wear jumpsuits in an ungodly shade of yellow. And I need you to help me steal one.” 

“The jumpsuit?” 

“No, the Backjack!” 

“Right.” Eddie rubbed his chin. “I think I might know a guy who can help.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No, didn’t forget about this story, I just had other ideas for fics.  
> I also didn’t forget about the subplot with Matt Claude Van Damme.  
> And who is the mysterious guy that Eddie’s referring to? Turns out he’s not that mysterious after all and will appear in the next chapter.


End file.
